The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A has been home from treatment, about 1month, and I am very unhappy. He was gone 4 months (we thought the issue was depression, he had a breakdown, where he pushed me through the laundry room doors and threatened me (he has never done anything like this before), he was arrested, with his parents for 1 month, entered mental health treatment for 2 months (where he was diagnosed as also being an alcoholic), and then 1 month of Addiction treatment.)
After the shock of what happened the night of the breakdown, I went through a stage of relief. He was very depressed for about 3 years, up and down, different meds, nothing worked. Needless to say, I was very stressed and also developed mild depression which I am still on meds for.
It felt like a load was taken off my shoulders. I was happy for the first time in a long time. Now he is home. For the first couple of weeks, we were back to the same old thing...me walking on eggshells, and filled with anxiety. He was acting the same way, nothing had changed. I said I did not want a room mate anymore, but he said that that was all he could provide right now. He was also very uncomfortable. He said he was not able to be the living husband and father right now that I wanted. He also said that he could not be affectionate.
Now, the only thing that has changed, is that we can talk together about nothing imparticular fine. When it comes to anything about LIFE (finances, marriage etc), we get into an arguement, with me feeling degraded, unimportant and stupid, and him running the shots (like deciding that he no longer wants to talk about "it" and leaving me hanging.)
Once again, this happened today.
I am tired of this. I feel like I can not discuss anything with him. I am afraid to voice my feelings, because they are "unimportant". i still have on-going anxiety to the point that I am having chest "flutters" which the doc thinks is panic attacks (i am going for testing tomorrow). When I try to affectionate towards him, he feels that it is my "codependency" which influences this need. I get no affection from him, not even "I love you". I definately do not feel any love from him. And I honestly do not know how I feel about him. He told me today (after our argument and him going to AA and me Al-Anon), that from others, he was told that he almost has to not communicate with me, because I feel like he preaches, and i am tired of being told from him, how to live my life.
How can a marriage survive, if there is no communication or affection. We are like room mates, and I hate it. I am very unhappy. Sometimes I think, that if he wasn't here, I would be happy again. At least I able to deal each day at a time. I find that really hard right now.
I do attend Al-Anon, but I am finding it really harrd to detach.
Just looking for some listening ears, and some stories of how others have made it through this time of sobriety.
This is not an easy time for you. I live with my ex-a for financial reasons and I can understand what you are going through. However, I detach from this well as you can't do anything with this type of behaviour except concentrate on yourself. I am good to myself now, have a lot of outside interests and though he irritates me a lot, I hand it over as much as I can.
This is a very difficult time, and I can only tell you what I was told.... now is the time to work on you, and your recovery, and allow him to work on his.... In time, you two may find that you grow back together, or you may not..... Early sobriety & recovery are HUGE issues, and these issues are magnified in an already strained relationship....
For me - I tried it for about a year when my AW came home from treatment - saw no improvement whatsover (from either of us) in our relationship, and so I started divorce proceedings..... Others have 'happier endings', but I believe "most" have to give each other a whole lot of room at this stage...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Id really recommend getting the book Getting them Sober. Perspective is everything.
I know for years and years and years I did not see how ill the ex A was. I railed and railed and railed. He lied, acted out, played the victim, martyr, meanie you name it. I turned my entire life over to him and his moods affected me deeply.
Al anon helped me immensely. Detaching is probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I know it is incredibly hard but it is worth practicing. Don't expect miracles at it right away.
* hugs* If you don't have it already please look for our book Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage == so much good stuff ,deals with new sobriety and a better way to communicate . your right not being able to go to the partner in your life for support just dosent seem right , but for me that is a fact even after 20 yrs of sobreity that is why my sponsor is so important to me and my recovery , she listens offers options for the problem and i choose how to handle it . In our lit it says going to an A for emotional support is like going to a hardware store for a loaf of bread . sad but true and for me today thats okay its just the way it is . Keep it simple do the opposite to what u have been doing , it has to work out differently , double up on your meetings just sit and listen call al anon friends , get a life of your own .. he cannot at the moment be what you need somtimes all an A can do is just not drink . Leaving will not solve the mental anguish your going thru now , detach with respect if thats all u have right now , and get your life back . leave him to AA .
I so understand how your feeling, and yes it hurts deeply, I am in a similar situation here, trying to talk to my husband about meeting each others needs is always met with resentment and anger so much so for now I have chosen to try and put that aside and deal with other things, in, our case I am trying to define if is possible for me to get those needs met healthily in other ways or if those things are nessasary for my own well being, trying to communicate with someone that doesn't want to listen is so cruel, so I have been trying to reach an acceptence of this, my main concern is that it can manifest itself in making us feel less than, and we are not LESS THAN, I have took it personally and I shouldn't of, it's really not about me, example, my husband has just been very poorly with hepititus, our daughter phoned him to see how he was and voiced her concerns in a loving way by any NORMAL persons standards, and he replied quite nastily, I'm sorry I have inconvienienced you by being ill, I will contact you in future to arrange a time to be ill that suits you!lol Now then this is a typical example of how he percieves affcetion love, call it what you will, so we have choices, I know just as my daughter knows that her concern for her dad was genuine love, there were no hooks or barbs, as much as I would like to get inside my husbands head and rearrange his thinking, I never qualified to be a surgeon, best I can do is stay true to myself!
Early sobriety and recovery are so difficult. I thought that when my AH got out of rehab and came home, things would be perfect. I felt very let down and very sad that they weren't. I felt that since my AH had spent such little time with me while he was drinking, he should spent a lot more time with me to make up for it. That didn't happen because he had to go to many more meetings, meet with his sponsor, do service work, work out, and whatever else he needed to do for himself to stay sober. It had nothing to do with me or with his dedication or lack of dedication to our relationship. He was working on getting better, and that took every bit of capacity he had.
The difficult time is normal. The alcoholic used to cope with everything by drinking. Now that drinking isn't an option, he's struggling to learn how to live sober. Just staying sober takes a huge amount of time, effort, energy, dedication, etc. in those early days. Things won't always be this way. It's a great time, like others have said, to work on your own recovery.
My Partner got sober last may then had a slip nov he has been trying so hard. I was very shocked when he slipped I thought everything was going to be o.k. But in reality he is fighting for his life. He is facing lots of guilt and can not go and get drunk to run from his pain anymore. At the moment we have decided to live seperatly. He need to focus on himself, meeting, learning to live in reality, find new interests. I am having to deal with old and new resentments. Learning to focus on me rather than him. I have accepted he still can not support me how I desire I am slowly starting to accept he is still very ill even though sober. He is moving in the right direction but I am not worrying about the outcome I am just taking one day at a time and handing it al over to HP. I have been reading the book called living with sobriety and have found this very helpful. takewhat you like
The first time my AH came home from treatment, I was sure that he was "cured." Boy, what a surprise was I was in for. He has now been through treatment 3 times. The last time, I called Law Enforcement, and they committed him. It's a long, long road.
I have learned to say nothing. He is in control of his recovery. He is the one to make the choice to go to meetings. He is the one that needs to read and follow his literature.
I am his wife, not his keeper. I have made the choice to live. I will tell him that I am proud of him. If he is running late, I will help him get ready (if he asks). But I do not prompt him to do anything.
It seems to be working for us. But it truly is "one day at a time". I still have anxiety but I am trying to "fix" myself for I was truly a mess from all of this.
Good luck to you.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
