The material presented
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For those of you who have alcoholic spouses who have done some really disgusting, embarassing things when they are drunk, how do you get past that. I mean really? Peeing in the fridge? Peeing on the tv? My AH has done a lot of things while he's drunk and I just don't see him as the same person anymore - I've lost respect for him - he's not the man I married.
So how do you get past all those things? How do you get those images out of your head? How do you heal and forgive/forget?
For example - we have a fairly new washer/dryer set. One day I was out of the house and my AH was home alone with our son. At some point, our son managed to climb on top of the dryer and get into some bottles of chemicals. He spilled some on the dryer and it actually ate through the paint. I thank God that my son didn't swallow that stuff. But my point is - every times I see that rust spot on the dryer it reminds me of how irresponsible he is when he drinks and how our son could've been seriously hurt and it makes me mad.
What helped me was learning and remembering the wife from the alcoholic. She wasn't only an alcoholic. When she wasn't drinking and when she was working and living a recovering way of life we blended better and we didn't worry each other a lot. We were supportive of each other and family. When she drank...when we drank together? It all disappeared just like spilling water on an ink writing...it blurred and went away and you couldn't tell what was healthy...it was all sick.
I learned to separate the disease from the person. No matter how bad it gets today never loose empathy and compassion. "There but for the grace of God..."
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Wednesday 17th of February 2010 12:05:46 AM
Yes, that is it, compassion. I realized that I had seen my husband at his really lowest point, and how horrible that must be for him. I felt sad for him, to have brought himself down so very low.
I think another thing is amends. I really think my husband made suitable amends when he replaced EVERYTHING he urinated on with nice new things he let me pick out. We aren't wealthy, he worked very hard at extra jobs to afford those extra things. We never discussed it, but we both knew why he was buying that stuff new. I decided that if he loved me enough to make it up to me, then I loved him enough to work hard to forgive and forget.
I love the new sofa/mattress/fridge/remodeled bathroom so I focus on his hard work to buy it for me, I try to forget WHY it had to be bought.
I don't think I could have gotten past it with the old stuff, because to be honest, the mattress and sofa always smelled like pee to me, no matter how much vinegar he poured into them. And the fridge and bathroom floor, well, I kept picturing the pee in/on them and it was hard not to. With the new stuff it is a clean slate.
I also just felt a lot of compassion for my husband, I know how clean he is in general so knowing that it was just as awful for him as for me, helped me to get past it.
If you have a son who is curious about getting into stuff...
Lock up any and all "chemicals" around the house that can eat through paint, that sounds like some pretty nasty stuff. I bought a shelf with doors and locks for my garage and all chemical stuff is kept in there. Inside the house I made my own safe household cleaners out of vinegar and dishwashing liqued. Keeping stuff on a high shelf is good, but not when there are "aids" to reaching them like climbing on the washer and dryer.
When you live with a drunk you really have to EXTRA childproof your home since when you are showering, cooking dinner, or doing dishes, your child may be totally without supervision.
Not saying anything was your fault, jut sharing ESH on what I did in my household for some extra peace of mind.
You really made me ponder the question... how do you get past it... I think that compassion is the key. I have felt disgust, anger, and perhaps hatred. But after he sobers up, he's my husband again. It's hard to carry those feelings when HE is so disgusted with himself. It's kind of like living with Jekyl and Hyde. So, I guess I don't forget, I forgive. And I appreciate every good day even more.
Hope this helps. It has actually helped me.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
I like also what Jerry said! My mantra of last week is, "I Love my Son, but I hate this Disease."...I am such a creature of habit and so very, very new that I need these mantras to keep me focused on the true source of the issue(s) - the disease.
For me, I'm often reminded of some very simple processing - can you change it, did you survive it, how important is it?
I can be so darn black/white in my thinking that behaviors that I perceive as totally unacceptable and almost unforgivable can and will fester turning into, for me, a show stopper for progress.
I therefore, with or without compassion must forgive as soon as I possibly can. I have an ongoing prayer list. I add those I need to forgive to my prayer list. This helps me with my anger, my resentments and helps me with compassion, which I did not have much of when I came around these rooms and the 12-Steps.
I had a sponsor one day ask me, "who do you think you are to not allow another to be human and unforgiven."
It took me back, big time...but - there was a point. If I am working on a spiritual journey, going forward is and will be very slow/difficult if I don't figure out a way to let go of the past and let God direct.
Great topic - thanks for the bringing it up and thanks for the shares all...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I also want to add that you don't have to get past it. It's your choice whether to or not. I ignored this kind of thing out of denial at times -- "if it's not happening right now, it's not relevant." That denial allowed things to escalate to the point where I really couldn't get past it any more, and I don't think it was good for me to -- the behavior hadn't stopped. It was a deal-breaker, and the deal broke. So don't feel you are obligated to get past it -- it is your choice where to go from this point.
I so agree with Jerry on this one.....there but before the grace of God go I.....we can always learn to forgive...forgetting well that's another subject.
I also think that compassion in the key. I've gently reminded myself of something I really believe - that alcoholism is a disease that is no different from any other disease like cancer. If my husband had cancer and was very sick and making a mess because he couldn't help it, there is no question that I would be able to chalk the mess up to the sickness and move on. For me, alcoholism was harder because there were periods when he wasn't drunk that he acted normal ... and I just had trouble thinking of alcoholism as a disease and remembering that when he did stuff that was bizarre or got in trouble that he was suffering from the effects of a disease that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I found myself still believing that when he drank, it was somehow a lack of willpower to stay sober - and this thought contributed to a lot of resentment and made me unable to forgive and forget things that had happened.
I remind myself that he is probably feeling very guilty and bad about his behavior all on his own, whether he admits so or not. Heaping my own judgment on top of his guilt will not serve any good purpose. There's a reading in the ODAT that compares lashing out at an active alcoholic to kicking a sick dog. That reading has given me so much perspective.
I also remind myself that I am not perfect. When I have messed up, I don't want someone to constantly remind me of it or to not forgive me. I want to be forgiven and I want the other person to move on. I've learned that in relationships, I cannot get what I am not willing to give.
Just my perspective - take what you like and leave the rest. I think this is a great topic, and probably one that every person affected by alcoholism has to tackle head on in order to recover.
