The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I told a friend of mine I gave him 90 days before he would be in jail. He called me from somewhere Thurs and Fri. and he was sleeping w/ ppl for a place to stay. Fun, fun, fun. I got a strange call late Sat. night and sure enough he was in jail. I looked it up online and see he is in til the 22nd. So I thought, good thing he was arrested Friday because it snowed about 4 inches Sat. and I was hoping he was not freezing to death. I guess u gotta do what u gotta do to survive. He says all the clean and sober houses are full and there's no room.
As for letting him stay with me, it's not because of times of drinking/using, he doesn't do that at my house (well as far as I know and I don't know how he would when he never leaves the house) it's more about me. I get lazy and have expectations that BECAUSE I'm going to work and school and he's sitting on his butt all day that he will take care of the housework and cooking, etc. Then he gets overly comfortable and thinks he has a right to be there and then we have a problem. Soooo, he has been gone almost a month, I have gotten my house mostly in order and I don't want to set myself up for having expectations of him and resenting him for not living up to them. So for me it's better to avoid the whole situation and do everything myself.
One reason I avoid the dramatic and addiction is the mess that comes with it. At one time I thought my entire life was about cleaning up the mess.
I have come to a place where I find the drama, intrigue and sensationalism tedious. For years I was intrigued and felt a sense of connection to it.
I sometimes feel bad that I am not as available as I once was and I have to remind myself all the time that I am still very much on survival.
I'm not sure what role you want your ex A to be in your children's lives and how you plan to structure that. For me personally "no" isn't enough. I have to set limits on how much time I am going to give to dysfunctional crazymaking situations.
Maybe it's a good thing he is where he is....and heck I got use to doing things for myself a long time ago..I have to admit my dad and son are a great help when it comes to splitting wood and such things.
I can relate to your post so much. I became very angrey at my ABF because I was so tired working paying bills etc etc. He would lie in bed, clean up a little he put more pressure on me rather than supporting me. I had to put boundaies in place and stick to them. If he lived in my house he payed keep and did chores just like everyone else. My A is now sober. He had a slip in Nov and moved back in his mums. He got back on track and is doing fine. He needs to be in his mums to work on his recovery he said because he lost his job he can not live here as I will get resentful. plus i am sticking to my boundaies I set. It is a consequence of the slip he lost job and I can not afford to upport him as well as my two kids. Now he comes down twice a week and cleans up for me so I do not have to do it when I get in. I believe this is because I respect myself thanks to al anon and epress my needs in an appropriate manner and stick to my boundaies and take care of m. Also he is in recovery thank god and is working hard to become the man he wants to be.
