The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here's my story. Where I came from, what happened, and where I am today. I am 27 years old and have been married to my husband 5 months, we've been together 5 years. He is a recovering alcoholic. He was drinking and using for the first 2 years of our relationship, and thankfully has 3 years sober and continues to be very active in AA. Our relationship was dysfunctional at best, and turned abusvie. That night we both spent in jail (for public itox) after I called 911 after he "sucker punched" me, knocking the wind out of me. I left him and he went back to AA after 9 years out of the program. We began the process of reconciliation and I starting going to Al-Anon meetings for the 1st time in my life. I stopped going to Al-Anon about 2 1/2 yrs ago when I starting working a 3-11 shift and there aren't many morning meetings nearby... that was my excuse anyway! I got lazy and didn't make an effort to find early meetings and I thought we were fine, I was fine, and that I could continue to do my readings, apply the principles to my life, and call upon Al-Anon contacts if need be. The problem was, in the meetings I went to I was always the youngest person by at least 20 years and yesI made friends and contacts, but never found anyone I could really relate to. My sponsor was 70 years old and did have a lot of wisdom, experience, strength, and hope behind her. But she was not there for me when I needed her. When I called for help, she like to talk about herself and small talk. Again, probably all excuses, I could've tried harder to seek out other members, but I grew disenchanted and lost hope. My husband (then bf) and I went to counseling through a church and it helped for a little while, then our counselor moved out of state and we didn't find a replacement. We did fine for a long time. We were far from perfect, but we were making great strides to communicate and relate in healthy ways. Slowly our efforts diminshed and we began to fall back into old ways. Over the past couple years our fights have gotten worse and more frequent. In the past year we have sought counseling from out pastor to no avail, and had him mediate in several of our huge blowouts only for them to continue on after our promises to try harder. Lately I feel like our relationship is back where it was when he was drinking. When we fight there always comes a point where one or both of us stops trying to to the next right thing, and the abuse, manipulation, and passive agressiveness come out. He has not hit me ever again, but he has tried to stop me from leaving a toxic situation by disconnecting the car batteries, disabling the garage door, stealing and hiding my cell, my keys etc. I scream, and throw things, say hurtful things out of anger. I continue to tell him we need marriage counseling and he refuses to go. He continually berates me for no longer going to Al-Anon. He tells me that it is my responsibility to fix my problems and that if I work on me the rest will be fine. I agree I need to work on myself. But it takes 2 to destroy or fix a marriage. I would rather go to individual & marriage counseling as I think my/our problems are far too complex to be dealt with ONLY in AA/AL-Anon. I have been reluctant to return to Al-Anon in fear of sharing my feeling, my lack of trusting others with my feelings. Today we actually were going to initiate divorce proceedings. I told him we need to go to marriage counseling or there will be no marriage to be had. He refused to go, stating he is not willing to to any more that what he is already doing (which is not much). So I felt left with no choice, although I don't want a divorce; but I refuse to stay in a toxic, abusive marriage. Once again, he stole my purse and cell so I called the police to help me safely get MY belongings and leave. So he took my things and took off in my truck. Long story even longer, the police couldn't do anything and my pastor got involved and he is finally willing to go to counseling on the condition I go back to Al-Anon. I pray to God we can work this out. However, I have serious doubts about his true willingness to own his responsibility in this and step up to be the husband he should be. But I will do whatever it takes and won't walk away until I know I've done all I possibly could. I apologize for the looong rant. Basically I am feeling very lost, hopeless, alone, and depressed. At this point, he refuses to be supportive of me and our trust, security, and stability is just about nil. I am so emotionally drained, and have been away from Al-Anon so long, I don't know where to start. It's gotten difficult to pray. Any help or support is much needed! Thank you for listening.
welcome back LP. I don't know if you still have trouble with the time of local meetings, but this site has online meetings 2x a day - 9 am and 9 pm E.S.T (different on weekends). Hopefully reading the forums and getting online will help you get back into al anon. Maybe you have some literature from "before" that would be a refresher too.
one piece of ESH - for me, I got a lot out of personal counseling - just because he doesn't follow through on his promise to go doesn't mean that you can't learn from a professional.
please continue to take care of yourself and be careful.
I can relate to your struggle a lot. I have had lots and lots of dysfunctional fights with the ex A. I also felt totally ashamed, lost and depressed.
There are many many things you can do. One is to post here daily. For a long long time I posted here daily about my life. I received incredible support, care and a sense of belonging. Another is to really work on the tools, detachment, getting busy, putting it in perspective. I know for me when I first got here the tools seemed absolutely impossible but when we are in a bad place its just as good an idea to practice them.
You are certainly not alone in your predicament. I waited and waited and waited for the ex A to change. My expectations were enormous. I took total responsiblity for the "situation" and none for my own life. Sorting all that out takes time. For some of us it takes years. Finding a group you can identify with takes time too. Nothing is perfect. I could always find the disqualification. Many of us have to go to a number of sponsors before we find a "fit"..
Therapy most definitely helped me a great deal. I found low cost counselling, thee is usually a place you can go to for that too. I know all this is an incredible effort and you are looking to your husband to make a similar effort. I did that too. The ex A never made that effort. I did. I like my life now. I did not for years. Certainly I have huge challenges, many of them as a result of living in an alcoholic relationship for years, others are about the recession and other things. We all have challenges. You can use MIP as your base and move on from there.
On of the first things told to me here was to 'breathe' and be gentle with me.
I was so wound up and so distraught over all that had been and happened that I was a perpetual panic attack - in progress.
Be kind to yourself and be gentle with yourself. Work to the best of your ability to take care of you and turn it over. I wish, for you, me and everyone here that I knew 'the plan' - but only one knows that....and he doesn't give spoilers ... LOL!
I look forward to getting to know you and am glad you are here/back! This is a great place to share, vent, ask for help, etc. - some great ESH here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for all of your support and advice everyone. Today I have just spent most of the day trying to take it easy and recover from all the turmoil that happened yesterday. Tomorrow my husband and I will go to our first marriage couseling session. So today we didn't talk much about anything serious. I think that's best to wait until we're in a controlled environment. I am really looking forward to both of us taking a step toward repairing our marriage. On the other hand, I have so much fear over what will happen once we start being honest about our feelings. I know all fear do will hinder my growth, and I suppose I just have to live in the present, something that is very hard for me to do a lot of the time. Well, I'll be back tomorrow with an update, and thank you again:)
P.S. Thanks for pointing out the chat meetings festfan.
Soooo I got a question? If you know you need to get back into the face to face rooms of Al-Anon and he is requesting that you do that also are you going to blow that suggestion off and demand that he only follow thru on what you think is necessary?
In the past it was so easy to blame the alcoholic it was comical until I heard and learned the metaphor of the "Al-Anon handshake" That one finger pointing outward toward blaming something or someone else while I chose not to recognize the three pointing back at me.
I'm sure that you agree that both of you are frustrated with the situation and both of you are necessary to the solution. If you still have and are still reading the literature you will be able to find justifications for what he is asking your for. We have and do play a part in this disease.
May I suggest along with him; call the Al-Anon hotline number and get to the first meeting you are able. We haven't changed the literature and there has been very little change in how the meetings are now run.
hi my partner is in AA and I am in al anon we both struggle to keep the focus on ourselves our own behaviours, thoughts actions. When we fall out I look at what he did wrong he looks at what I did wrong. But we only make up once we put down the magnifying glassess and pick up the mirror. When I look at what I did and apologise he then feels less on the defence and looks at his part but as long as we ae both attacking one another we naturally defend ourselves. This is how the programme helps our relationship. We had couselling but it never worked at the time because my partner was still drinking. Today I work my programme and try anf keep the focus on me. My life is improving daily. even if I seperated with the A tomorrow I would still attend meeeting because it is about learning about me improving me. I work full time , have kids other commitmnts but I am very committed to my recovery so have to manage my time. I hope this helps take what you like and dump the rest hugs
