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Okay, so I confronted my A Fiance, who has been drinking off and on since I met him. The only reason he stopped in the past was his DUI..SO-little background- He's got 4 DUI's went to treatment, 6 times I think. He at first said, no way I am not going to quit blah blah...then the next day(which was yesterday) he claims he has a problem-that is great! first step there-BUT, the big but is that he WILL NOT get help, treatment, therapy or AA. He wants to quit on his own. So he didn't drink the past two days and has been in the weirdly happy annoying mood-I think he is acting like this because he knows he is going to loose his family if this continues-
So my question is...Will this even work? Seriously, If he can't get the professional help will he be able to do it all on his own? I find this very hard to believe. I feel like he "could" go on with this "plan" for a few months or something but I don't think it will work long term.
I am so angry and hurt right now I can't stand him! I can't stand the way he is acting super nice and it is just annoying and driving me away from him even more. He still has this bad attitude about me getting counseling and I am scared to even mentionthat I would like to attend the alanon meetings. Any thoughts?
well lindsey, some people can stop on their own, others need AA and still others need other forms of treatment. its hard to say. at this point all you can do is wait and see. meanwhile, take in a few meetings. there are some great ones here, plus a recovery chatroom. hang around, read and post, read and post, read and post. good to see u here
Lindsey I learned in Al-Anon that the responsibility for my life and my happiness is my responsibility alone and not the alcoholics. My last alcoholic marriage came as a result of saying "I do" when a few days before I was thinking "I don't want any part of this." That is an example of the insanity we talk about in Al-Anon. We do what it is that we think we not ought to hoping that we will get what it is that isn't possible.
My greatest most helpful decision for myself after first finding my way into the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups was to sit, stay, listen, learn, practice what I learned and then pass it on to others like myself.
Look up the hot line number to the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and get there as quickly as you can. Pick up as much literature about alcoholism and addiction as you can and read it all. Listen with an Open Mind and learn the steps, traditions, slogans and the names and phone numbers if you can get them from the other members in the room and then commit to doing that as often as you can for the next 90 days...one day at a time. Keep coming back here and leave the alcoholic in your life alone. (((((hugs)))))
My experience is that my ex tried to stop on his own at least a dozen times. Since his pattern is binging and then not drinking for a while and then binging again, in between binges it does look as if he's stopped. I think he believes it, and I believed it the first six or eight times.
The other question you might consider is whether merely not drinking, without him having a program in place, would give you the kind of relationship and person you want. Recovery is about more than not drinking. It gives people the tools to live life sanely. It gives them the tools to deal with stress. It gives them (and us) the tools to look at themselves and get perspective. Without those things, you just get a "dry drunk." So even if he didn't take a drink for the next ten years, his attempts to white-knuckle it without real recovery might not be something you wanted to stay around.
For me, I'd need someone to be working a program before I would let myself think about building a future with them. Actually, having seen several alcoholics with years of recovery relapse and be swallowed by the disease, I myself would be too wary to get too close to an addict, even in a program or not. But there are some people with wonderful strong recovery out there, doing great good in the world. Everyone has to decide how best to take care of themself.
I can't answer your question. However, I can share a little of my experience as briefly as I can.
I am currently in the process of divorcing my A of 36 years. For the last 25 or more, I have seen him implement his own programs that failed every time. The last two years, he had been attending AA meetings but still drinking. A few months ago he got his 2nd DUI and was forced to retire. (He lost his license for a year, something he needed for his job.)
One thing I can share that might help you is this: I spent most of our married life trying to help him get and stay sober. I would often confront him about his drinking, thinking all the while I was "helping" him. I eventually realized that I "overestimated" my power to change him and underestimated my power to change myself. I had things backwards for most of our married life. Now that I realize I can only change myself, my life is less stressful.
Accepting what I cannot change and finding the courage to change the things I can has made my life much more peaceful. Acceptance isn't having to like it.
The alcoholics in our lives have to first recognize that they need to change and then be willing to do whatever is necessary to make change happen for themselves. We can't do it for them.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Hello there, my husband has stayed sober for almost four years without a programme, he drifts in and out of AA periodicly when I say this, he maybe attends a couple of times a year, I personally feel that drinking is just a symptom of other underlying problems, he's still a very hurt man, takes things very personally and finds it very difficult to show his appreciation for all that is good in his life.
The best that I can do in this situation is take care of me, I have had to find an acceptence of who he is and to take off my rose tinted glasses of what I would like him to be.
I think alanon meetings are a wonderful idea for you....he is going to do what he wants to do.....you can only take action on your own life.....change your stinking thinking...find out how you really feel...with the help of alanon you can accomplish anything.
Why does he not want you to go to counseling??? It is my opinion that he knows you will learn....and maybe that is his fear....but remember his recovery is his and yours is yours.
I personally believe that alcohol is just a symptom of a greater problem. Sure, an alcoholic may be able to stay sober on their own...but without a program of recovery, they will become a dry drunk. They aren't drinking, so they're dry - but their behavior will be as bad or worse as if they were drinking.
Of course, help is available for you regardless of what your fiance decides to do, or whether he stays sober or works a program or doesn't. Your recovery is yours - it is something you decide to seek for yourself that is not a response to anything he is or isn't doing. Most of us got here because our relationships with active drinkers became too much to handle, but when we got here we discovered that the only thing we could change was ourselves. So we work our program instead. With all due respect, you don't need anyone's permission or approval to seek help for yourself.
Someone posted this on another Al-Anon forum which to me rings true. "alcoholism is a 3-fold disease...physical, emotional and spiritual. Taking just one aspect out of the equation (physical... not drinking) still leaves 2/3rds of the disease that needs to be worked on."
Please start attending meetings for yourself NOW - u cannot wait for him to recover .Your life is too important . Some make it without help but we call them dry drunks nothing changes except theydon't drink attitude stays the same or get worse as they are haning on by a thread . YOu too need to recover from the effects of his drinking , don't wait for him to see the light could be along time . Of course he dosent want u seeing a councelor but thats his problem this is about you , not him . ..... take care of you . Louise
