6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

bszab · Member

Where and how to draw the line

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's so hard, isn't it? It sounds as it's too hard to listen to his messages. I wonder if you can brainstorm (just for yourself) some more strategies to make it less likely that you'll have to deal with him when he's extra-incapacitated -- for instance, that you only talk to him when you initiate the call, or only on weekday mornings, or whatever. (He'll probably resist -- that's predictable.) In a larger sense, remember that he's no longer himself. The alcohol has made him insane, which is what it does. It's just as if someone with unmanaged schizophrenia or delusions or Alzheimer's were talking to you. If he had Alzheimer's, you wouldn't think "Why can't he just start remembering things?" He's in the grip of the insanity. It's very very sad. But you can't take it personally. I know easier said than done. He looks like your dad and sounds like your dad, but it's the alcohol talking.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( bszab )))) hello & welcome

Yes, I agree with Mattie - it is the alcohol/disease talking, not ur dad - seperate the two if you can. The A's say things on purpose, to get an emotional reaction out of us, the words are designed to hurt -- when u know that, it can help to detach from it bc what they want is a reaction. Dont take it personally - he is trying to feed his disease, so he can blame you for being - the emotional one - and tell himself, 'see Im ok, they are the crazy one' -- they need justifications to drink, so they blame others. They cannot take responsibility - that would be coming out of denial and recognizing there is a problem and owning it. He wants to keep doing what he's always done, keep balming and scape goating, so he can keep using with excuses.

It is NOT personal, it is what the disease does. It is unlikely he even remembers and if he did, he most likely would never admit to that -coherently in the morning bc then they would ow you an apology. On the other hand, he could just apologize all the time, every time and the apologies wouldnt even mean anything.

Boundaries are very important and whn I set them, I was able to expereience some emotional detachment for the first time, ever. Here are the 6 guidleines that helped me to set and folllow through on boundaries.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

HAVE CLEARLY DEFINED EXPECTATIONS.
CLEARLY DEFINED CONSEQUENCES THAT DONT DISRUPT YOUR SERENITY.
SET THEM CLEARLY.
COMMUNICATE THEM THEM CLEARLY.
ENFORCE THEM CONSISTENTLY.
WITHOUT REGARD FOR THE RELATIONSHIP (RELEASE ANY EXPECTATIONS ABOUT THE OUTCOME).

Boundaries are to protect you. Not to control someone else. No one respects an empty threat, so make sure it is something you can follow through on.

The boundaries are for YOU. In time u may change/alter them to suit you or the circumstance. When u out grow a boundary and dont need it anymore - u will know that too.

Just bc u have the awareness, it doesnt mean that changing is easy or learning to detach and not take it personally is either. It reminds me of the 3 A's (awareness, acceptnace, action) - first u get the awarenss, then comes acceptance and that can take a long time. It is hard to accept. But refer back to step 1 and serentiy prayer -- we are powerless over others and the only person we can is us.

You are the only person you can change or control. So to answer your question, "How do I just get over his hurtful words and actions" ~ u dont listen to them or take them into you. Also u may want to go back into these past painful expereinces to -feel - deal - heal them. They are memories with feelings associated with them. You can forgive yourself and them for this pain - sick people, hurt people (oh the saying goes - hurt people, hurt people) that is all they know.

I didnt like my pain, and I did have to go deep into the past to deal with some unresolved feeelings and experiences. It is uncomfortable and unpleasant but it cant kill you. I know mine were festering and creating resentments, so I did what I could to forgive, so I could let them go and be free of it.

You are entitled to peace and happiness and u deserve it. Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((bszab))))) - so glad you're here! It took me a while to figure out that I had higher expectations of 'me' than anybody else. I held myself to a standard that was impossible to achieve, let alone bring about any sense of peace/calm/serenity.

Kitty's share some great information. I was so wrapped up in all that was around me, and focused so much outside of me that I've had to set up boundaries even for me!

An example - I still have 4 messages on my machine that I've not listened to. They've been there all week. Before the program, these would have been heard the day they were left. Now, I get to choose when I listen and when I act/react/do nothing.

This applies also to email, text, mobile messages, etc. The only way for me to start rebuilding me was to set very specific boundaries on the 'time wasters' in my life. That included some needy friends, family, etc.

I've spent so much time trying to be 'perfect' that I never realized how nice it is to be human. So what if I forget to RSVP? So what if I return a call a week later instead of the same day? etc....

This disease is so powerful - it speaks through the user to use - directly and indirectly. Just keep turning it over and it will get better. Work on you and keep coming back!

TwistedServant · Veteran Member

Mattie wrote:

He looks like your dad and sounds like your dad, but it's the alcohol talking.

I like that.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

6 GUIDELINES FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene