Immediate help needed please - Al-Anon Family Group

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Immediate help needed please

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Glad))) I can understand why you're upset, but I don't think calling to ¨fuss at her¨ will do any good. That's like playing her game. Getting all worked up over what MIGHT happen is doing you no good either. I know you're going by experience of what has happened in the past but no one can predict the future, maybe this time will be different? Maybe you and your BF could plan a get-away or other celebration but at another time. If she doesn't know about it she can't interrupt it. In the meantime, don't give her the power to ruin your day. I know, easier said than done. Take care of you.

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks your right! I have it so very good compaired to some others. I'll just make it a challenge to roll wth the flow not matter what!

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I lived with an A who was cemented to his mother. She called, he ran.

I spent years resenting it.

The more you can detach the better.

I tried and tried and tried to get them to see my point of view, they never did. In fact they went out of their way to exclude me. I then stopped going to the ex A's mothers.

There is no easy solution to this.

Maresie.

MaryPoppins · Veteran Member

I am so sorry you need to deal with this, and yes, it is very "romance killing".

The ties for a son to a needy mom are very strong, as she has bred him and brainwashed him since birth to cater to her very whim.

The only way to cut them is for your BF to "wake up" from the brainwashing.

I have a best friend who had a terrible situation like this, as I have also in the past, and we would brainstorm for hours on ways to deal with it.

The first thing you need to do is get CALLER ID and an answering machine! Get in the habit of not answering your phone, and screening your calls. Work from home, go shopping a lot, take a lot of long hot baths, be "sick" a lot (LOL), any excuse to her why you didn't answer the phone right away, LOL. Don't answer the phone if she calls, even if it is an "emergency". Be "sick" in the bathroom that day, LOL.

If you feel guilty, remember, you are niether the hospital, the police station, nor an EMT, and if she really has an "emergency" she shouldn't be calling you!

Let her son call her back later, or if you feel you have to, at the end of the day, when you know she is going to bed, then answer her call and say "OH, I just got a chance to call you back, I hope everything turned out OK!".

It's a shame you gave her your BF work number, perhaps him not giving her the number was a small attempt at not letting her control him. But, whats done is done, let him deal with it now.

I am a teacher and the most important thing I learned about classroom control was that you control children for the good by controlling the ENVIRONMENT. The same applies in the adult world. An example, I don't like guests snooping in other rooms when they go to use the restroom, so I put locks on all of te bedroom doors and lock them when I have company over. Ths is much better then telling guests I dont like nosey snoopers, LOL. Confrontations are seldom helpful, no one likes them, and they waste precious time, and they are seldom effective, it is far wiser to set things up to avoid the need for confrontations.

Far easier to avoid her phone calls then hear her cries for attention and either tell her you don't care, or pretend you do and be resentful.

As far as her ruining your plans with your BF, you have to stop giving her the chance to. Tell your BF, and her if it comes to that, that you "really" don't have anything firm planned, that you will probably just enjoy a quiet evening at home, but that you like to be spontaneous. Then, at the last minute, decide to be spontaneous. Pack for him, make reservations yourself and pick him up at WORK. Tell him NO CELL PHONES, that this is a secret relaxing getaway.

He might even appreciate the pressure being off of him to keep it secret and avoid any problems with her.

If all else fails you might have to set up plans where you meet your BF at the planned place. So, if an "emergency" happens, he will be very pressured to not let her derail your plans if you are already there WAITING. Don't answer your phone if he tries to call for a couple of hours. Be prepared to have a good time on your own. Maybe you can even arrange to meet another friend there if he is a no-show (my friend and I had to do that a couple of times). Think of your BF being with mommy imagining you having a good time without him, LOL. Don't ever complain, pretend you had a GREAT time on your own!

I have tried all of the above and had good success. The best strategy is the screening of your calls. Histrionic (look this up, you may find it helpful to understand her better and have better strategies to deal with her) personalities like hers have to be attended to IMMEDIATELY, so if you are unavailable she will likely find someone else in the family to tend to her "emergenies".

Hope this helps.

MP

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

It's too late to "not react" Glad...You are already in it. Pull your self back from the
edge with some of the tools and If you say you won't project or fortune tell get into
something positive for your mind and emotions to focus on. Valentines day is just
another day...yes I know many people use it as extra special however I'm thinking
that you've already got your's torn up ahead of time. If it starts to come out the
way you think it is...go do something good for yourself. If you can't beat them join
them and have fun or go have fun another way...It's allowable. Have a good one
where ever you find yourself. (((((hugs))))) smile

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

\\\Thanks she sucks- says she didn't phone him at all- but he called shortley after she got his number and denied that he ever made plans we me. even hung uip on me. I see I'm ether gonna havplan my own special days for myself or loose forget him, altogehter

She wins this way (by hurting her own son) bit does not care. she would hurtdestroy or manipulate anyone just to prove she can.
-- She is obviously not a christian so I supppose she will get to burn in all eternity and all I have to do is buy my own flowers.

Even if he came home with flowers chocolates and jewerly at this point I would just want to flush it down the toliet because he lied about making plans and he put her "pretend" manipulative needs first.

I'm sick of all the "I love you baby"words from him then actinglike Ideserve less than nothing at the times that really matter.I'm really pissed off at him for being so cold and controling about holidays=

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I was incredibly stuck in resenting the ex A and his mother on all the holidays. She dominated everything. Even to the last minute she was demanding he come over and help her move (he was working day and night at the time).

I really had no way of seeing them for what they were. I took it all tremendously personally and felt abandoned and left out. I also felt he was giving her something he didn't give me.

In hindsight I missed nothing, he had nothing to give. I had the illusion he did. That was the wrong illusion. I held on and held on and held on. I ranted and raved about it for years. Every holiday I was sick with resentment. There was no way I could detach, regroup and take care of me. I know the ex A got something out of my jealousy and giving him all the power. If had been able to detach, let go and take care of myself I would have been better.

The only way I eventually detached was to make a plan be. Some how while I was doing that I got to have a lot lot more detachment. I stopped over reacting, I stopped being so over involved with what he did, who he spent time with and what few crumbs I got. For me that was a huge repireve. Making a plan be can be an excellent way to pull yourself back and regroup.

Maresie.

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