"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Bluelady · Member

What I don't understand

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((bluelady)) I have not been in your situation but I can imagine how hard it must be wanting to help your daughter but knowing she has to take responsibility for herself. But still, she is your child and it's hard to fight that instinct to always protect your children. But maybe you can help her best by letting her figure this out for herself. Perhaps she has a friend she can stay with, perhaps she can get an advance in pay from her job, as a last resort there is probably a shelter she could stay at for awhile until she gets back on her feet. Again, I have not been where you are so don't really have any ESH to offer. But I think the whole idea is to let the A discover and live with the consequences of their actions. If someone is always bailing them out of trouble what incentive do they have to change? Just my thoughts on the situation. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult place, you and your daughter will be in my prayers.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

There are no absolute answers. If it's a matter of life and death, of course no one could say you should let a loved one freeze to death. I know from experience, though, that lots of times the addicts in my life said they had no options but me -- and they tried really hard to make me believe it -- when actually did they have other options. Maybe the other options weren't as cozy or as easy as my helping them, but they were there. It's your judgment call on whether there are real other options (and not the A's judgment call).

I saw a similar situation with my ex and his adult A son. Of course he was torn up about his son's problems -- what parent wouldn't be? So the son would say he was desperate and my ex would give his son money for rent. And a couple of days later the son would be back saying that he had to do something else with the money -- he lent it to an unreliable friend or something -- and now he still didn't have money for rent and they were about to throw him out. And so my ex would give his son money a second time in a single month. And sometimes the money would go somewhere else the second time, and he'd give the money a third time. I always wondered why, if he wanted to help his son out with rent, he just didn't pay the rent to the landlord directly? But when I brought this up he said he has to trust his son, etc. etc. etc., and it was clear I should just detach and let them find their own way out of the enmeshment. But I took note that if I'm ever in a hard situation like that myself, I think I would pay the money directly to the landlord, and not to the addict who might well do something else with it.

These things are so hard to deal with. I hope you're getting lots of support. Keep coming back.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Bluelady,

The thing about giving an alcoholic money is, as much as we would love to think they will do the right thing with it..they don't, ever. Chances are she will buy something to drink with the money first, and as much as I hate to suggest it, could even pass out in the snow somewhere, drunk.
Alcohol will come first to an alcoholic, there's no doubt.

By not giving the money, you can assure yourself you would have no part in that scenerio. If she is still drinking after losing her husband and home, she hasn't found her bottom yet. It's even lower.

When we make things easier for them, we prevent them from standing on their own two feet. We rob them of the fight to get there and resulting pride in themselves when they do. Contributing to a drinking person is contributing to the disease, prolonging it, assisting it.
Your daughter is a grown woman. She will figure out what to do, just as you or I would.
As Pineapple said, there are shelters, and most will not allow anyone to stay that is intoxicated. It may be forced sobriety, but possibly long enough to get her head straight. We all have a survival instinct, allow her the dignity to find hers.

I know it must be terribly difficult. It would be for me too.

"If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of The Twelve Steps and work the program, our lives will be transformed."
(From Survival to Recovery p 269)

(((hugs)))
Christy

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

There are no firm "right or wrong" or "black & white" answers to your difficult question....

I'll share a quick story from my experience..... a friend of my brother's was a coke addict.... had manipulated, stolen, and been awful to his parents for years... used them in every way possible, mostly to feed his habit.... One night, over 22 years ago now.... he called his dad..... from the street.... cold, tired, helpless, distraught.... begging his dad to let him "just stay tonight"..... His dad, through his tears, told him - "No son.... you cannot come home"..... The A was obviously devastated, and didn't immediately get sober (as in that night), but today he is 22 years sober, and HIS words, are that if his father had let him come home that night, he believes in his heart he would either still be using or dead.....

Back to your situation.... my two cents would be that I don't think I could/would ever give money to an active addict/alcoholic - it just doesn't make any sense to me..... I dunno - if you really feel that you need to take care of her, at least consider paying her rent (or perhaps even better yet - pay her rent as long as she is attending a program of recovery) - that way, at least, you'll know where your money is going.....

General rule of thumb - is an A typically needs to bear the consequences of his/her behavior.... if she can continue in her addiction, AND you are going to continue to give her money (albeit from the heart) - why would she ever change & choose sobriety?

I wish you well..... I'd encourage you to pick up a copy of "Getting Your Children Sober", written by Toby Rice Drews....

Take care
Tom

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

My take on this situation is that you do what your heart tells you is right. I agree with canadianguy on this one: If you must help her, consider paying her rent as long as she stays sober. But it might not be in her or your best interest to hand her money.

Best wishes,

Diva

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Blue...The feedback and suggestions you got here are very good and mine is
keep the money out of the users hands because the disease rules them not rational
thinking or need. She has reached a low point and one of her lovers (her husband)
has turned his back...you don't blame him so that's support for better decision making.

If you're in contact with her have her contact the Salvation Army and they may have
lodging (they do here in Hilo) on a night to night basis. They are also in contact with
other shelters and they are in contact with recovery programs.

As far as using the boundary (you must be in a program) the support on that one is
read back on the great number of post regarding that being enforcable. Alcoholism
is described as "cunning, powerful and baffling" and only one proof of that is that
the alcoholic will spend any money at all on drink than the essentials for supporting
health...mind, body, spirit and emotions. You can suggest she contact a recovery
program from AA (free of cost) to whatever however if she is controlled by the
compulsion to drink not even she can enforce that requirement.

Suggestion...There is an AA board here at MIP also. Click off of Al-Anon and back
on the AA board and read what is going on there. Some members here have asked
questions there. The answers you get will have real life experiences in them.

In the meantime get in and stay in Al-Anon and keep coming back here to MIP.
Hope your husband is better. (((((hugs))))) smile

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

I wish I could tell u what to do and how to do it , but I can't , that is your decission u know what u can live with and no one has the right to tell u what to do . I am sure your daughter has friends who wil help her in the short term -- I truly can feel your pain , do what your heart says is the right thing . * hugs*
I agree with the others cash is not the way to do this , it will go for booze first . When i have been approached in parking lots for money I say no but I offer to buy them a meal at restaurant near by , most times I am told to 'xxxx' off and they stomp away swearing at me . they want cash to buy drugs . not food .

-- Edited by canadianguy on Friday 12th of February 2010 11:57:45 AM

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

It might sound unthinkable, to let ur daughter live on the streets but until the A feels the painful, hard consequnces of their actions, if u make a nice soft warm cozy place for them to fall on and continue to make their life comfortable, while she is using - it is unlikey she will change or stop.

Work on YOU and get into the program, literature, steps w a sponsor, focus on YOU and detach with love from her. Take your time. Set boundaries. Eventually as you work the program, u will know the right thing to do for her, all the while taking care of YOU and your home. There is no rush and no one will tell you what to do and if someone does in [program - dont buy into it - alanon is about us and for us - you make the choices and do what is right for YOU. Take care.

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Dear Blue Lady))))))))))))))))),

My heart goes out to you...you are in one of those darn if you do darn if you don't situations...my husband was on the streets in the winter and begged to come home, for money all of the above.....I had just had enough and said no.....eventually he fell so low he did end up in rehab.....now this was a man who loved his family and chose alcohol and drugs before us.. his addiction had taken him that low.

If you must put her in a hotel or something if that helps you.....try and remember only she can help her.....cash will go straight to the drug of choice.

You are in my prayers......I am sure there are shelters....if she can find her way to an AA meeting I am sure they can help her.

Prayers,
Andrea

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think it is wrong to help an alcoholic. The issue is your expectations. Don't expect them to get sober, be grateful, get better.

The expectations are the key.

Maresie.

miss lucy · Senior Member

when you try to decide what to do about this situation ask yourself - what will be the consequences of my actions? if i help her what will the boundaries be and how will i put them into practise? i have found that i do this automatically now when AH wants my help. slightly different from a child asking for help admittedly, but the technique of thinking everything through honestly and clearly will help you reach your decision. you can choose the manner in which you are prepared to help her but, also, she can and will choose whether or not to accept. if she chooses not to accept your help then you have to abide by her decision no matter how hard you find it.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps you would consider giving money where it is needed: If you can pay rent or utilities, you would find peace in the knowledge that you are not leaving her to the cold. Handing her money, on the other hand, and allowing her to decide where and how it will be spent is another matter entirely. We can't say to someone we love, "FREEZE to death if that is what it is going to take!!!" But we can keep a tight hold on the reins if we are going to help.

I wish you all good things,

Diva

-- Edited by Diva on Saturday 13th of February 2010 01:56:30 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"