The material presented
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Greetings, You wil have to pardon me but I do not know all the acronyms for this forum as I am very new to understanding addiction and this forum. In fact this is my first outreach I guess you could say. My Husband is recovering from Achoholism and addiction to opiets. I am deeply in love with my husband he is my best friend. We have been married for 10 years. We have been super challenged this year as he has been permenantly laid off for the last 12 months. So while I was working he was drinking and taking Vicodin for the last year (at least). My husbands story is much less dramatic then many I have read on this form, I consinder myself gratful. Here is the crazy part for me. I HAD KNOW IDEA. I did not know he was taking Vicodin at all and he would switch over to water or tea when I got home. We might have a beer together at night occationally but it was never excessive or alarming to me. So when he woke me up one night with major withdrawl symptoms you can only imagine my shock. (he decided to quit himself) Now to my credit I thought he was depressed. He has been treated for depression in the past and I know it has been tough for him to be out of work. So to make a long story short. He entered detox the first week in January and released a week later. Currently he going to meetings and seeing a Psych doctor. I can't believe how well he is doing and it only makes me realize how bad he was. So my biggest hurdle is how do I trust him. Everytime I see him slip out for this or that or while I am at work or just plain when we are not together I am afraid he will relasp. And Of course I am also thinking about "so what else is he hiding". I am being unreasonable I know, I have no cause other then this to not trust him. I do not think I let on to him that I don't trust him, I don't want to hurt his recovery at this delicate stage. I just did not see much posted about regaining trust and thought I might find some advice here I could take to heart. Live, Laugh, Love - Rebecca
The best advice I can give is to find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you need support . It is the best way to support thier efforts at sobriety , we need to learn to get off thier backs and out of thier face . HIS problem is just that his , we had a part in the mess and we have to change too not just the alcoholic . Learn al u can about alcoholism al anon will help u with that . You have better things to do with your time than worry about what he's doing when he steps out of the house for a while . get your life back on track get the focus back on your needs and he will do what he has to do . He will sence that your watching him and not trusting , but if in Al-Anon u will be too busy looking at yourself no time to watch him . Get settled in our program leave him to AA .
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 11th of February 2010 02:45:51 AM
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. If love could cure it there would be no alcoholism in the world.
In Al-Anon we learn about the 3C's......we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.
The title of your post is trust...........An active alcoholic cannot be trusted. Unless the disease is arrested by abstinence it will always come first. Always.
As Abby says, turn the focus on you and let your husband focus on his recovery in AA.
I know the MIP family here and my face to face Al-Anon meetings have restored me to sanity.
Hi Rebecca, You have definitely come to the right place!
Unfortunately, trust is one of the first casualties of addiction.
My wife, too, lost her job. She was in the mortgage business for approximately twenty years, and then the economic crisis hit the country..... She claimed she started taking opiates (morphine, methadone and who knows what) after she lost her job. But the fact is, I now know, she had been taking them for years. Losing her job just exacerbated her addiction. It gave her more free time and dried up her easy access to funding. Her access to money enabled her to continue the facade for years. Only after her paycheck dried up and my eyes were opened, did I understand the extent of her addiction, and her deceit. Unfortunately for me, she was handling our finances at the time. I was appalled when I took over. $500 withdrawal from one ATM, three days later, $300 from another. $400 unpaid cell phone bill. $5000 in property taxes overdue and unpaid... and on and on..... She had numerous credit cards hidden from me, rung up to the maximum; unpaid for months; bills sent elsewhere. She would vehemently deny, yelling in my face, that she had any more credit cards....., until I asked her about the latest phone call from "Chase". I heard so many lies, there was nothing she said to me that I would believe.
I'm sorry for going on about this, but trust is an issue that is near and dear to me. My wife will be finishing up her "extensive out patient treatment", weather permitting, next week. She has done extremely well and I am proud of her for working all day and going to treatment at night. (Yes, she has gotten back to work!) We are still working on "trust" issue. It is an ongoing process for me.
God bless you and I hope the best for you and your husband.
I hope this helps: Somewhere in this program I think I heard: When you have a negative thought quickly replace it with a positive one. I tried it and it works. Just make yourself trust ( for your own well being) the worst that can happen is that you will be proven wrong in your positive thinking- not your fault. The worst that can happen by thinking negative thoughts is endless and includes actually behaving in a way that facilitates your worries, making you sick, and most importantly being so focused on the negative that you miss the endless wonderful blessings all around us. go to face to face meetings and discuss this with someone- ask about a gratitude list. When we focus on all our blessings small or large (food shelter, being inlove with your best friend, loving an A that sees the need to get sober- believe me that is one many of us long for-) anyway focus on your blessings, replace (lack of trust) or negative thoughts with positive ones- and you will be okay- I promise.
-- Edited by glad on Thursday 11th of February 2010 10:22:35 AM
I read these posts and I see myself over and over again. Trust is a tough one. The advice given to you will help. Be positive and turn your attention on yourself. I am new to this site also and I have been trying to just go on with my life in hope that he will see, I'm not waiting around anymore, and he will stay in his sobiety. If not, it's his loss. We only have one life and I for one, am going to take mine back!! I have places to go, grandkids to enjoy, and things to accomplish. Stay with this website, it helps!
Thank you everyone for the posts. I think I have gone through some very real emotions that are natural. Trust seems to be the most difficult to get past. My Husband has really helped me feel secure/better/hopefull for a brighter future with him which helps with the raw feelings dealt with in resentments. It helps to know other people struggle with trust as well, Thank you Charlie. And focusing on the positive while still keeping it real is some good advice. Glad, your post really hit home for me and I appreciate that you took the time and effort to put it in writing.
Thank you all for the warm welcome, it means a lot. Live, Laugh, Love - Rebecca
Get settled in our program leave him to AA . 
