The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I posted here a while back about my dilemma with getting my brother out of my house. I had set a deadline of February 5th for him to be moved out. Being the good little sister that I try to be, February 5th came and went and I wouldn't put him out on his ear because he had not received his last paycheck from his last employment or his unemployment check and I would not impose upon my parents to fork over the money to put him up somewhere. Well, yesterday I come home to find a reminder up on my TV Cable Box for an adult content PPV movie which had been ordered. This is disgusting, and please forgive, but upon reaching for the remote to cancel the reorder of the program, I found the remote completely covered in personal lubricant. To the point where I had to wash it. I cancelled the automatic reorder and proceeded to go in and set the parental controls to "lock" specific channels, etc. I don't know why I didn't go to that precaution sooner, but I digress . . . Then I looked over to my armchair and saw that the bottom cushion had been flipped over and turned around to where the zippered side was facing outward instead of to the back of the chair where it would be unseen. So being the anal retentive person that I am and thinking "what in the world??" I pull the cushion to return the zippered side to face the back of the chair. Upon doing so, I discovered that the side of the cushion that would normally face outward was covered, again, in personal lubricant and well . . . certain bodily fluids. Let me tell you, I lit up like a Christmas Tree on the Fourth of July. Then, I got my cable bill out and looked at it. I don't normally look at my bills until I go to pay them because the amounts never vary for me. But low and behold! This time, I have a $200ish cable bill instead of a $75 cable bill. I staying in my bedroom with my dog all night and fumed. This morning, when I left the house for work, I pulled out the chair cushion and left a bucket of upholstery cleaning supplies with it and a note that said essentially that he needed to be moved out by the time I got home from work this evening. My dad calls me a little while ago, defending him and saying that my brother told him that he had NOT ordered PPV and that he (my brother) thought someone must be stealing my cable with a splitter. I told my dad flat out that I didn't believe it because of the condition of the remote and chair cushion, but that I would call the cable company and have them come out to be sure. But that I still wanted him out of the house when I got home tonight. He had the nerve to YELL at me and tell me that HE knew that, MY BROTHER knew that, and for me not to worry about it because MY BROTHER said it wasn't worth arguing over. Well, no, you know what? It's not. I called the cable company and was told that the only way to order PPV is with the digital box and remote in the house. That if someone was using a splitter to access my cable, they wouldn't be able to order PPV because they would have to have a box to do so. Duh. But they will send someone out to check and make sure anyway to make me feel better. Upon telling my dad about what the cable company said, he STILL defended my brother. I am so upset and so hurt by the fact that he will do whatever it takes to take care of my brother, but when I try to take care of MYSELF, it's the wrong thing for me to do. Why should I be subjected to what amounts to being abused in my own home by continuing to allow him to live there, rent free, and basically defile my HOME with his lifestyle?? Why does my dad think that is SUPPORTABLE behavior?? I know there are no easy answers. I am just hurting and venting. My plan is to also have my brother's cell phone disconnected when I go to lunch today. Yes, he is on my cell phone plan, thanks to my dad. And that's another thing that my dad doesn't seem to understand. My brother will run up $200-$300 easy every month on his portion of the phone bill and of course since he's not working, my parents pay his part of the bill. Well, what happens WHEN (not IF because it's only a matter of time) he runs up a phone bill that's too big for anyone to be able to pay? My parents live on Social Security and a very small retirement check. When he runs up a huge phone bill, it's going to be MY phone that gets cut off and ME that gets sent to collections. Why do my parents think it's appropriate for ME to lose things and privileges that I have WORKED SO HARD FOR? Why do they expect me to sacrifice MY LIFE in order to continue to enable my brother??
I know I'm not supposed to give advice, but I will tell you that I think you are taking positive steps to be able to live your life. One of our biggest problems is enabling and your parents are not helping. Sounds like you have gone the extra mile for your brother but everybody likes to be met half way.
Take what you like and leave the rest... Good luck to you.
When we want to make changes, those involved have a "Change back!" response -- often quite aggressive. It's unfortunate -- but predictable.
Why can't people be more reasonable? I wish I had the answer to that one. Do we have to wait until they're reasonable before we take care of ourselves and move forward with our lives? Fortunately the answer is "No." Because if we wait for them to be reasonable and agree with us, we could be waiting for the rest of time. And as long as they have to be reasonable before we make good decisions, they control us. It's like we say, "I won't help myself unless you agree with me! I won't set a boundary unless you agree!" "Sure," they say, "I don't agree. What are you going to do now? Bwahaha!"
Well, of course it's not really that overt. (Sometimes.)
It seems pretty clear to me that your original idea about setting a boundary and moving your brother on was a wise protective decision for you. He's helping by making it clear how difficult he is to be around and how he doesn't respect boundaries.
Why you would need your dad's agreement is a different matter. Sure, you'd like your dad's agreement. But unfortunately dads aren't any more likely to be emotionally healthy than anyone else.
Thank goodness we don't have to wait for anyone else to be reasonable before we start taking care of ourselves. It's absolutely within our power.
This is so hard. Please take care of yourself. And keep coming back.
It that's not your bottom Gypsy then more is coming. Hopefully not. You have been used pretty good by what sounds like a real sick puppy and a few of it's trainers. Its Higher Power time...pray for the courage to go thru what you need to do and to also turn him over to HP. Only a power greater than yourself can take care of this deal. As for Pops...he is affected or maybe even more than yourself. Ask him if he would like to attend an Al-Anon meeting with you. If he does great...if not great still. Go for yourself. I hope nothing stops you from doing what is necessary for your peace of mind and serenity. (((((hugs)))))
Hey Gypsy - may you go home tonight to a peaceful home and no additional residents. My hope is you can relax, breath and let God take care of all the rest.
My Ason works very, very hard to align my AH 'with him'. It quickly seems to become 2 vs. 1, and is frustrating, highly so. Between folks here and F2F meetings, I am learning how to not engage, and remember that it's the disease working them and us.
Keep coming back - this place and meetings has been a huge gift for me and I learn every day how to better be nice to me!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
