The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been in the al-anon program for seven months now and I had been told to try and hold off on any major decisions for the first year. Seven months ago my AH finally admitted he had a problem and saught help. This admission was made after about a month of me completely shutting him out.. He entered himself into a 30 day in-patient treatment program, but not for himself. He was doing it for me and our marriage. During that 30 day period I got a taste of what it was like to have some peace and quiet. And during that period I jumped head first into the al-anon program, attending as many f2f meetings as I possible could. My AH's sobriety only lasted 4 months before he decided he was leaving me AGAIN so he could go out on his binge. Before al-anon I would be so distraught for the entire weekend while he was out there drinking. This time around it was so much easier thanks to my program and reading what alcoholism is and the effects it has.. I agreed to take him back after yet another promise that he would'nt drink again.. This last stretch of sobriety only lasted 2 months and this last time I refused to take him back..For elevn years I was nothing but a doormat for him, but now I refuse to be that doormat and I now know that he is absolutely scared.. It is almost a month now that we are seperated and I am really enjoying the peace in my home.. My dilema is that I feel sorry for him and am trying to make it as amicable as possible. Is there such a thing as dettaching with love from a distance? I know that what I am doing is one of the best things I can do for him, but I still fear being "rejected by a reject".. I question wether I still love him.. I care about him and want to see him get better but know I am completely powerless over it. I ask my HP to take care of him and leave it in His hands, but I still feel so helpless. I want so much for our marriage to survive but doubt that my AH will ever find long term sobriety. He says he is going to do it this time,and tell him only time will tell. He just asked me over the phone this evening if we were evr getting back together. I told him I could not answer that. Was this the right response? Is that another flag to tell me he isnt working the program for himself? I am by no means lonely, I'm just lost as to what to do..
I think that was a very honest response. There's a saying, "when in doubt, do nothing". Usually the alcoholic will show you what you need to see before too long.
take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Lady you are doing fine...you are right where you are supposed to be including the questions and doubts you have. If you haven't gotten a sponsor yet do so as quickly as you can and ask her "Teach me please". You've got the picture and you understand recovery. Now is the time for continued practice and commitment to your growth and recovery. Alcoholics have worries and concerns and need to have assurances just like normal people do...telling yours that you don't have the answer to his is good program...you don't.
Keep coming back...it gets much better. (((((hugs)))))
Absolutley the right response , tho sometimes it hurts honesty is best at this time u simply don't know . I have been where your at after a 7 mon separation my husb wanted to come home he was still drinking so the answer for me was no , in that 7 months I found out that I was going to be ok with out him and he found out that home was where he wanted to be and was willing to do what he had to do to be here = for me it had to be sobriety and AA or stay where he was . I knew there were no guarantees that sobriety would make our marriage work , but felt that with a prog we had a chance . When he was willing do those two things I decided to take a chance and told him he could come home . I did that cause I knew this time it would be different , because I was different and I knew that regardless of what he did I was going to be okay. with or with out him ..... I have never been sorry I took that chance , we have 20 ys of sobreity in our home , is it always easy ? NO its not but I still attend meetings for me , he has not been to AA in 3 yrs so far so good . I don't worry about him drinking again because today I know there is nothing I can do about that and I wont be the reason he drinks . Only you know what u can and cannot live with . I wish u luck - both of you. and remember u only have to do this One Day At A Time . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Wednesday 10th of February 2010 03:03:15 AM
Yes, I agree that was the right response - truth is, none of us know what we might do in the future. It sounds like you are taking space and respecting YOU by staying true to that boudnary. You already know u feel better with the peace and quiet and u are focusing on YOU and your program.
Yes, absolutely u can detach with love (I'll send u a link) and doing that is what is healthy -- being emotionally enmeshed/entangled is what is not. You are doubting yourself (most likely) bc this is all new behavior - new stuff is scary/unknown.
When u worry about ur AH & u catch yourself worrying -- say a pray for him and hand him over to HP. Then focus back on you - the only one u can control or change anyway. We all have to work out our individual feelings on our own. Feeling sorry for him - take u away from your program - and it doesnt help him. God has a plan for all of us - have faith that god will work on ur AH.
Ive even heard it said, when we are worrying - we are trying to take control, in a sense and playing God - or at least taking up the slack for God, like God isnt doing the job right. Get out of God's way, so He can do the spiritual work on ur AH. Working on YOU and honoring/respecting YOUR life - is your job and what God wants for us all. (IMHO anyway - as always, take what u like & leave the rest).
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
malady - I also believe your honesty was perfectly fine. What I've learned here is that no matter how I answer those questions - the 'all' or 'nothing' ones - this disease is still present. My answer, honest or not, truly doesn't change what the A does. Therefore, I do my best to be honest.
In a former incarnation, I would have viewed myself 'weak' to say, I don't know...today, I'm OK with that answer as I'm working to change who I was and how I was. While it's new, different and at times scary, there is also a freedom after I distance myself in being honest and true to myself/feelings.
I'm new enough that I need to see others who are working their programs and finding success! Thanks for being here and for sharing!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
