Jozie - first and foremost ----- (((((hugs))))) to you.  I understand completely about the weather and lack of sun - when it's out, my spirit is brighter than when it's hidden by clouds.  This has been a hard, long winter and my hope is that we have a beautiful, green, colorful spring at the end.

I've not done the 4th Step 'here', but am a double winner.  When I got engaged with the 12 Steps, I was powerless and my life was unmanageable.  As a candidate for the 12 Step program(s), my thinking, feeling, perceiving, etc. were all very, very broken.

As some wiser than I with some time under the belt carried me through the first few steps, I felt a guarded freedom.  That's the best 'terminology' I can come up with - I was feeling 'better' and more 'human', but I was still guarded - had my doubts.

For me, my 'inners' had been sick and unmanageable much longer than my 'outers'.  I did not realize it for quite a while, but I truly had to do a complete re-engineering of almost all that I thought I knew, felt, believed in, etc.

I went to 3-4 meetings a day for the first 3-5 years.  I was afraid of not 'getting it' - thinking 'it' was the program.  If they told me to read a chapter in the book, I read 2-3.  If they told me to memorize 'how it works', I did it over-night.  I was so afraid of 'failing' that I 'put myself right smack in the middle' of the program and the members.

When my sponsor suggested it was time for the 4th Step, I freely admitted my fear.  I had 'perpetual panic' attacks in early sobriety as well as extreme anxiety.  At every step of the way, I was my own worst enemy - only because I had a super difficult time in trusting others, god, the program, the promises.

I did realize though that something was working - I felt better most days and I was not indulging in mind-altering substances.  I was so afraid of relapse, that I refused all prescriptions from my counselor.  I did not know how to not overdo 'it' - life, the program, alcohol, drugs, etc. 

Finally, after much fight and with as must faith in my HP as I could muster up, I started Step 4.  Folks told me to go at my own pace, share when I was able, etc.  I brought it up over and over and over - as you see - I wanted it 'perfect' (rolling eyes here)...

The patient, kind, tolerant folks who had been down this path graciously and patiently carried me through - every fear, every delay, every excuse, every thing - and promised me every day, in every meeting that when I finished this step and Step 5, I would know a freedom like never before.

So, blind faith that what they said was true, and research in the various texts told me that it was worth it.  No matter how scared, how sad, how angry, how shameful, how painful - it was worth it.

I did finish and I did not hold anything back (that I was aware of).  I have since done a few more 4th steps as there were items I did not remember at the time.  I chose to do my 5th step with someone outside the program, from my church as I was still so afraid of my shame. 

I can share that my experience is as described.  Being able to get this all down on paper and then sharing with my HP and another was and remains one of the most freeing experiences I can recall having.  When I finished my 5th Step, I did not feel anything immediately.  I did as suggested - went home and spent quiet time reaching out to HP praying for freedom from the bondage of my past.

That night at a meeting, I realized my ears seemed opened more.  My focus was clearer on what was said and I was calmer.  I did not recognize this at the time - but within 3 days, I realized that there was a huge change.  I viewed it at the time as more external than internal - I walked with my head up, I had a little skip in my step, I smiled a bit more, I made eye contact with others, I did not shake as much as before in groups/meetings, etc.

It took me several more days to realize that the change truly was not external; it was from the inside out - but I didn't know that as I am slow at times when my HP is talking to me.  I did not still have all the 'chaos' in my brain; I did not have the continued uncertainty in my heart.  My guilt had been lifted and I actually had long moments where I could sit and meditate - no crap flying in from the left or the right...which was totally foreign to me.

So - what I can share is that everything that everyone told me was true.  The 12 Steps gave to me a completely new way of living and a new life.  I did not know it until getting through the process but my time prior to the 12 Steps I now call 'existing' and my time since I refer to as 'living'.

Imagine my surprise with all this 'experience, strength and hope' that I end up with my mind and heart so conflicted that I'm googling for online help.  Imagine my surprise and a bit of anger when I arrived here, shared a bit and you all welcomed me with love, comfort and ESH.

Took me (again - I can be slow) 2-3 days to just 'stop' long enuf to realize that I needed to turn left, and embrace a whole new level of powerlessness.  I was so caught up in the A(s) in my life, I was not even aware of the unmanageability or the insanity I was living in.

Doesn't everyone do ......?
You mean it's not sane to .......?

So - you see - my HP, at times, has to kick my bootie to the next stop on my journey.  Your HP is also leading you to your next stop - go with it and be good to you as you step forward.

May we all have sunshine soon - darn it!!!  Take what helps and leave the rest.  Thank you so much for sharing - it's always a huge help to me when others share where they are and then the ESH pours in.

Again, (((((Hugs))))) to you and ... I go to the online meeting almost every night!  It's very helpful for me with where I'm at.

Jozie wrote:

---

...

Also, I have had my Afather Stuck in my Head for over a week, and I couldn't put my finger on the How & Why "NOW" of it all, and it finally dawned on me...

It is GUILT... I have been Slowly working on my 4th step.. And tho I know Honesty is the only thing that will make this work for me, I have been "Bashing" (in my mind) my Father... Because being honest about who & what he was TOO ME in my childhood isn't a pretty picture between the ages of about 8-18...

SOOOO How do I release my Guilt of being honest..Yet still work hard on my 4th step so that I can move thru this...

 Hi Jozie

(((Hugs))) to your beautiful spirit and I salute you for  your hard, honest working of this program.

You have been given great ESH and I am sure you will process and implement the information.  The part of your posting that jumped out at me is what I outlined above.  

Growing up in an alcoholic home we were naturally taught to deny reality and pretend everything was OK.  In doing this 4 th step you are going against your alcoholic family's values.  

You are no longer pretending to the illusion and you are acknowledging the painful reality of the past.  That is the reason for your guilt  It is one of the reasons we need to do this step  We MUST own the reality of the past in order to recover.  

 I too hesitated about revealing family SECRETS but was assured that this was part of the recovery process.  I did not have to shout this information from the rooftops just admit it to God, Myself and another human being. 

Trust the process.  You are doing fine and your efforts will be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams. 

Cabin Fever is hitting us all I do hope you are able to get out this weekend and that somehow the storm is not as bad a expected.

Yours in recovery

-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 9th of February 2010 07:48:31 PM

Aloha Jozie...I also  belive you are doing great with the pursuit of the program.  You
will never get it perfect so dump that idea.  Progress for me mean't that no matter
how well I did it, how searching, fearless and moral there would be a need for more
because that's just the way it is with me.  My HP knows that so there has never been
a "rush" sign or attitude on my own personal journey.  I've done 6 ever more
searching, fearless and moral 4ths and still my HP has had to remind me of stuff
that I had forgotten.  It's okay and I am grateful for any opportunity to make things
right with those I have hurt while the disease was raging. 

Guilt?  take a slow look at this word and what it means to you.  Members of Al-Anon
habitually feel guilty just because they feel so responsible real or not.  Where do
the 3cs come from and what do they mean?   I believe that the 4th especially should
be a guided tour...with a sponsor (same gender) and after discussion.  Remember
to keep yourself on the list of people you have harmed and why.

Good luck ((((hugs)))))