today has been a really bad one.  emotionally.  i have witnessed my AH removing any possessions he had left in his home that we shared and putting them in the Biffa bin not 20 feet from where i live.  the temptation to run out and claim anything i wanted to keep was almost too much but i managed to close the curtains and let him get on with it.  i have cried so much my jaw and head hurt.  this really is it.  the end.  no more maybes.  no more if onlys.  the end.  8 years of love and devotion thrown back in my face - again.  i am hurting.  i cant live with the man and i am still not sure if i want to live without him.  but its out of my hands now.  he is moving away just as soon as he gets himself somewhere else to live and a truck to tow his caravan with.  then i will be totally alone.  my kids are over 200 miles away and have their own lives and problems.  i will need all the ES&H i can muster to get me through this.  i am tired and drained.  an early night may help if only i can sleep.  i feel strange without my wedding ring on...he claimed it back and promptly took it to the pawn shop so he could buy beer.  i could have denied him but what is the point?  it would only lead to another row, more upset, more hurt.  i have to learn not to love him now.  dont know how i am going to achieve that but i must,  for my own health and sanity i must.  i cant even get angry because i know the illness has beaten him.  and it has beaten me.  i am defeated.  i can give no more.  i have nothing left to give.  i hate this illness.  it has robbed me of my soul mate.  so so sad and down today.  maybe tomorrow will be better.