The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So the ex AH just left about 3 weeks ago after staying with me almost 3 months. I said in the beginning "NEXT" in regard to the new /old girlfriend (knew from childhood and reunited on facebook) and him trying so desperately to find someone to rescue him and save him from himself.
Soooo this is a bit of an ironic story. My oldest is getting married and moving out at 15 because I can't live with her another day (it is hellish from the moment I get home til the moment I leave when she is home, not just for me but for the other two kids too). The reason this is possible is because ex AH snooped her chat account and sent it to me with evidence she has been sleeping with her much older BF. Anyway, ex AH decided to snoop new girlfriend's email and confront her with a contradiction he found and she got angry and told him he has to leave. The irony here is unreal. Daughter is very angry with him and was talking of plans of revenge and I told her you don't have to do anything to him, he'll do it to himself, only days ago. Now here it has come full circle and for some reason the new girl is flying him back to my area.
No, I have already said he can't stay with me. I am torn on this because I need his help, especially with oldest leaving but I want it on MY TERMS!!! and I keep thinking well if I help him just a little longer and put up with his irritating quirks he will get it together. I know this is a trap. I can feel the difference since he's been gone. I have stepped back up to getting my house in order and doing what I need to do for me and the kids. When he was here I slacked and expected him to do what I do which he is not capable of even without having a fully time job and going to school every other weekend. AND he got a LITTLE too comfortable in my house. Soooo I need help but I don't want to keep doing the same thing. I guess in a way I feel like I'm looking for an easy out. Built in sitter but also built in BS. I need to rethink the situation. Oh ya and oldest also informed me that she brought him alcohol several times while he was staying with me because she thought he was her "friend". Sooo I forgot about that little bonus. I guess I want him to get out and be self sufficient but I want his help too and if I let him stay he cleans, cooks and watches the kids and if I don't then I'm on my own and have to struggle for childcare for school. I let him stay because I was hoping he'd get a job and place nearby but he just got comfortable on the couch chatting online to his gf in cali and watching tv and never left the house. So I guess I'm answering my own question here and I know what I should do and what my motivations are. It all comes down to I want him to do what I want him to do and that's not what he's doing so I need to let it go and do my own thing and let him do his.
It all comes down to I want him to do what I want him to do and that's not what he's doing so I need to let it go and do my own thing and let him do his.
Yup - you got it!
Breathe ((cg)) and take it one eensy step at a time. You can do this.
Great post and especially for you. In the end you answered you own question. Nothing changes when nothing changes. You already know your ex AH isn't going to change. You are looking at this....... "without rose colored glasses". You have made a decision that the bad far out weighs the good. You have already lived with these circumstance before and pretty well know how this "rodeo" will end up. Very good thought process. Bottom line you will be taking care of yourself first....... because you have the courage to change,....... you have decided you are not willing to do the same thing over again and expect a different results.
You can send and Alcoholic off to rehab, buy him new clothes, buy him a new car, train him for a new job, offer him free lodging, and free meals...............But, when you get through all you have is what you had when you started........ You have __________ .
yep, I agree, you have the blank, I can understand why you feel the way you do though, not that easy on your own, sending good wishes your way and you're further along than you think too.
As you know many of my housemates are alcoholics and I'd say all of them are very very dysfunctional. For a long long time I tried the being cordial and tolerating the blurred boundary stuff. Eventually I got to the point of having a hard line. The trade off of some issues did not match the pain of dealing with their dysfunction.
In theory I am not liked, I believe before now I was not liked because I was not in substance abuse (so who am I right?).
I do know that growing up around incredibly blurred boundaries I find it hard to hold the line. For me personally the tolerance is no longer there. I have to have incredibly strong boundaries around them. I have not not invest in being liked one bit.
I know that you have struggled incredibly around your ex AH. I'm sure there is part of him that wants to contribute to your life. I'm sure there are also ways that he'll only do that if he gets a cushion. He is going to be in your life in one way or another. I hope you can find a way to let him be in the children's life and your own life without seeking to rescue him or allow him to blur boundaries any more.
I know I snooped on the ex A all the time when I lived with him. I was always looking at his call list and trying to work out where he was. I thought that gave me some information. I know I also grew up around snooping (my mother read my journals and commented on them to my sisters). I understand many many many people have blurred boundaries and that they don't know it. It sounds like your AH does not understand where he ends and others begin. I hope you will find a way to stop the snooping if he comes back because while you do find out things it is a terrible way of going about living.
I agree about the snooping. I never find anything I wanted to know when snooping. Sometimes ignorance is bliss LOL. Ah well, live and learn right. His snooping actually benefitted me this time but that's not usually the way it goes and it was still nothing I really WANTED to know.
