The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've posted quite a bit about confusion. I've been completely loaded down with it. Infact, if my posts have a common theme, it is CONFUSION.
I am trying to sort through all my feelings and intentions and hopes and needs and wants and try to come to some sort of permanent decision about my (possibly) dry exaH from whom I've been separated a yr and a half. The limbo I feel I'm in is tiring to say the least.
At times, I am completely certain that divorce is inevitable. Other times, I am deeply aggravated by the looming thoughts of perhaps I am the one who just cannot see clearly here. exaH has an amazing ability to give me just enough to make me question if I am a total wing nut who expects too much, appreciates too little and is too caught up in "hollywood love" to appreciate what he has to offer. It's almost bizarre at this point.
He lives elsewhere, says he's working a program, says he's sober (though can't recall a date of sobriety?). I have no idea if any of that is true or not. I'm not around to know. I know he's not drinking around me, but I feel I have talked to him on the phone and he's been drinking. I am cautious to believe really anything he says. He's quick to remind me "that's my problem".
Ugh. I feel like I want to make a decision, but I have this nauseating fear of making the wrong choice. We have a child, I don't take this lightly at all. I really want and wish the marriage could work, though I feel like I get nothing out of it at this point. I have an idea of what I want sharing my life with someone to look and feel like, and this relationship with exaH is not it. But then he tells me that I have so much, right here infront of me, that I fail to recognize because I am so into myself. I don't see it. He's right. I absolutely DO fail to recognize what it is that he feels I am to be so appreciative of.
I see the functioning of other "healthy" relationships around me and I am constantly comparing that to what I DON'T have. "Well her husband does a, b, c and mine doesn't. I value that. I need that. I want that. And my exaH will never do that". I am indeed stuck in evaluating all that is around me, I call it making good decisions based on real information. exaH would call it always focusing on the problems.
The other thing is that I've come to always feel is that my exaH has this undertone of being completely unplugged. I don't know how else to explain it. The atmosphere I sense when I am around him is that he's somewhere else when he's right here. He interprets things entirely different than what I do. Our son can be right infront of him saying "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy?" and exaH will not even seem to hear him. I have to sort of look at him or nudge him to come to and realize that our son is talking to him. Then I get angry because our son is amazing and how can he NOT be into reality and into being right there to enjoy every moment of him?
I feel almost trapped by this confusion I feel. There seems to be occasional glimpses of clarity between exaH and I, for which I go "okay, this is good, this is working, maybe there is hope" and then there is this fog, this unpluggedness, this disconnect, this hard to describe looming feeling of exaH being very faraway ... and then comes my confusion, my everlasting doubt.
Is this part of the disease. Is this the "dry" merry-go-round? ESH appreciated.
I went through most of what you just wrote when I got separated from my exAH. I felt the compelling need to make a decision - any decision - because I was so uncomfortable with the uncertainty of having not made a decision. I didn't know what decision was right, but I really felt like I should be doing something. Because of my discomfort, I waffled back and forth about whether to go or stay several times, and this only caused more pain.
A wise friend told me that doing nothing for the moment WAS making a decision - the decision being, deciding to do nothing. She said that in time, the right decision would be revealed to me. That was the wisest advice I've ever gotten. After going back and forth a few times, I was able to sit with the uncomfortable feeling. It wasn't easy, but months later when I did decide that getting divorced was the right choice for me, I was certain that I was not making a mistake.
I think that part of our disease is for us to make impulsive decisions just so that we can stop feeling uncomfortable. In recovery, I have learned that sometimes it's better to sit with the discomfort for a bit and find ways to feel better that don't involve making a life-altering decision right this second.
Just my ESH - take what you like and leave the rest.
