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I just got home from my meeting and found AH more drunk than he has been in months. When I walked in the door, he was at the bottom of the stairs, hauling a bag of stuff into the garage. I noticed something on the wall, so I went downstairs and looked at it. He had made a hole in the wall (which we just had painted, the guy finished today). I stopped myself from yelling but asked what happened. He was so drunk that he couldn't speak. I looked in the rec room on the other side of the wall, and the hole went right through and the carpet in front of it was all cut up, and his big camping knife was on the ground by it.
I was so upset - we are about to sell the house because we are separating, so this is just one more thing to have to fix. But I stopped myself from reacting, reminding myself that there is nothing I could do about it tonight, and there is no point in arguing with him tonight or trying to find out what he was doing. So I calmly said we'll talk about it tomorrow, and I left him there and came upstairs. I want to call my sponsor, but she's away on vacation, and it's too late to call up anyone else.
How do I deal with this tomorrow? Should I wait until he brings it up, and just calmly state that he needs to get it fixed? I am so angry and want to scream at him.
Wow -- such a good save by not reacting on the spot. That takes a lot of recovery!
I don't know if there's a "right" answer, but I think I would just calmly mention that he needs to get it fixed, assuming that he's responsible enough to take care of it.
The knife worries me -- I hope there isn't any chance that he's violent? It sounds as if he had some odd idea about cutting up the carpet, but still ... it's unnerving. They really don't know what they're doing when they're drunk.
Stay safe and take care of yourself. As a kind friend once said to me, "At least he never gives you reason to regret deciding to leave..."
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The disease of alcoholism causes those affected to do things that don't make a lot if sense. He may not even remember it. What do you do?
First, congratulations on not reacting. That choice shows a lot of recovery. Reacting won't fix it, nor will the explanation alleviate your frustration. Possibly reacting might lead to a behavior you wouldn't be proud of later.
I've experienced many similar events. The best I can offer is that you calmly ask the person responsible to rake responsibility for repairing the damage. That's it.
If you are separating, it's possible he may carry some resentment and refuse to repair it. If so, perhaps you can get it repaired and deduct the cost from his share of the proceeds?
Also a quick repair suggestion - sometimes there is carpet laid in hidden spots, like a closet, where you can cut a patch to "patch repair" the torn carpet yourself. It depends how big the patch is.
It's very sad to see the grip his disease has on him, quite apart from the incident in question, Im glad you have a sponsor and are working a program.
Waiting until he is chemical free will take a few days. Holes in the wall and things cut up with hunting knives are ominous signals. Are you okay being there? For real? It's a separation and I don't thing either of you are liking the situation but have different ways of handling it. You went to a meeting...he got drunk and destructive. We have a slogan in Al-Anon that contains one word...THINK. Please think. Don't push the envelope of this disease that affects mind, body, spirit and emotions; all of which are under the influence at the moment.
Thanks everyone. I have never felt threatened or worried that he would hurt me, I truly cannot see him doing that. Though I'm sure lots of people say that and then something happens, so I will be aware and careful. I might look into whether he could stay with family while we are selling the house.
This morning I was doing my own thing getting ready for work, and he came in looking sheepish and said he needed to tell me something. He said the dog ripped up a piece of the carpet, and he was so mad he kicked a hole in the wall. I asked if he hurt her, he said no, that's why he kicked the wall. He said he knows it wasn't his brightest move and he's going to patch the hole and repaint, but not sure what to do about the carpet (there is no carpet in concealed areas that we could get a patch from, and the area is about an inch wide and two feet long). The knife was there because he says he tried to cut the hole so it was square and didn't look like a boot mark (??).
I am so proud of myself for not reacting last night. Jerry, your "Don't react" slogan was front and center in my brain, and it also helped that I was fresh from a meeting on "live and let live" and "let go and let God".
... but what is the dog's version of what happened??? :)
Just teasing - good for you in not reacting.... isn't it empowering, all by itself??
In all honesty, whether his story is truthful & accurate or total fabrication - the key thing here is YOU are reacting in a way different manner, and applying your skills & experience to handle the situation in a way that makes YOU happier..... it's all good!
Awesome stuff....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
