Friends - Al-Anon Family Group

Codependent · Senior Member

Friends

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not friends or enemies with my ex. I honestly wish him well, but want nothing to do with him outside of having to interact with him sometimes because of our son. I am not angry with him anymore or anything like that. He's just not a person I would choose to be friends with because he cannot respect my boundaries - and therefore, I try to limit our interactions to only what is necessary.

If we didn't have a child together, I would not keep in touch with him at all. Continuing to interact with him was honestly very unhealthy for me. It was easier for me to start my recovery and make progress when we were no longer together and when we were no longer speaking on a regular basis.

That's just my experience - maybe some people are able or willing to be friends with their exes. I just don't feel much need for that - he is not the kind of friend I really want to have.

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm certainly not in the friendship or even the enemyship end. I have no contact with the ex A. I simply can't deal with the manipulation, demands and craziness. I let go.

I don't know that I wish him anything right now. I certainly never want to hear from him again as he burned that bridge clearly and completely.

I try not to think about what he might be doing as I can get hooked in way way too quickly.

Maresie.

Festfan · Veteran Member

Code - great question/topic. For me - I have always tried to be friends with an ex because I always thought that IN the relationship we were friends and lovers so why can't we remain so? And usually, that person was my closest friend at the time - the one I spent the most time with and confided in, etc.

As I look back - none of those friendships lasted. The length of time varied, but in the end, one of us was always doing something that resulted in an unhealthy relationship. I am sure that I was guilty of it too. This is interesting because I am trying to figure out what my to do about my new exABF. If you had asked me before I wrote this reply I certainly would have said that I didn't want to exclude him from my life entirely. But I am reminded of the saying "If nothing changes, nothing changes"... so I am not sure why I think this relationship could be a friendship when the others weren't. And since he isn't currently capable of being a full partner now, he isn't good friend material either.

Don't know if that helps. with my past relationship I just at some point realized that every contact with the ex caused me pain - and when someone is causing you more pain than happiness, that is my sign that the relationship can't continue...

Good luck - take what you like...

lizzakiss · Veteran Member

I know in the past I have tried to remain friends with exes but once one of us moved on with a new love the friendship kind of faded.

this is my first relationship with an admitted A. I realize now after dealing with my Abf that my ex husband is definitely an A but a passive aggressive (which is even more maddening!!) In being in the relationship with my Abf we have ups and downs where we were "just dating---not exclusive" aka "I want to be able to sleep with other women but don't you go anywere." and "just friends"--I'm going to try to make it work with my baby's mom but you are my friend don't you go anywere. and of course what we are now, exclusive but he's a dry drunk and I felt like I owed it to him not to leave like everyone else so I didn't go anywhere.

In being in AlAnon I have found my self worth again. I'm regaining my self confidence and I can honestly say in a couple months when I'm able to get my own place again I will be GONE. I have let go of my anger. I have handed it over to GOD. and I will truly wish my Abf well and hope he succeeds, but I will be out of here and NEVER look back!! or keep in contact. That would be unhealthy for all involved including our children (not with each other) THANK YOU alanon yet again!!!
And thank you for posting this because in writing my repsonse I feel even stronger and more determined to make life work for ME!! (and I've learned that's NOT a selfish thing!! smile

) (((HUGS)))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.