The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really need your ESH today... Its been 3 days since I broke up with the (ex) ABF. I miss him and am second guessing my decision. I have not contacted him since Friday and he has not contacted me. I want him to at least know that I am thinking of him - but that could have good or bad ramifications. I don't want to be "cold" but I don't want to give a false sense of hope for us. I am just so sad with the loss - and I can't believe I did it before Valentine's Day - it seems like love is everywhere! But there are always constant reminders of happy couples around - regardless of the holiday season.
I am also worried about how he is taking this - maybe he is fine but I can't "detach" from projecting on how much I think I have hurt him. I know I am overthinking this - but I can't seem to stop. I think its the "withdrawal" symptoms taking over!
I really want a good and happy relationship and I don't want to go back to being alone and lonely.
So, I am writing here instead of texting or calling... I hope that you who have been through this can help me focus and help me to stop having this pity party ("Party of 1").
He doesn't need to know that you're thinking of him, does he? I think you must be right that it's the withdrawal starting up. I know I kept thinking, "Just let me touch this stove again to see if it's really hot ... I'm sure it will be fine ... see, it's perfectly fine ... ouch!! Ouch!!!"
Remember there were very good reasons why you broke up.
You say you don't want to be lonely and unhappy again -- the way to make sure of that is to move on from relationships that are broken.
I went back to my ex A so many times. Did the relationship get better? Not a single one of those times. There was relief at first, each time -- we were back together! I wasn't alone! It felt so good! Then ... reality set in. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I sure wish I had stayed gone the first time. I would have been over him so much sooner.
I think it's exactly like what an alcoholic goes through when he gives up alcohol. "I bet I could drink again and not get hurt -- I'll just have one little beer..." That's what getting back in touch is for me. It's a daily struggle. But life sure is better without all the turmoil and pain.
i understand exactly where you are coming from Festfan as i am only into my 6th week without AH. He lives just across from me and i see him every day going about his business, its unavoidable where we live, and that is really hard. i struggle sometimes not to rush out and find out how he is doing....but then i stop myself and realise that i left for some very good reasons,,,not least of all that i was unhappy with the situation. will it get better if i go back? will he change his ways? will he go to councelling? for a little while maybe. but then it will be back to normal once he is confident that i am staying. its a difficult time of year to be alone if you tap into the whole romance thing of valentines, personally i've never held much store by it so it doesnt really bother me that much... i can think of much nicer ways of showing your love for someone than buying a tacky card with someone elses words on it! you will find it gets easier the longer you are away....keep reminding yourself of why you left and what awaits you if you go back! (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))
I so understand this. I felt this way with my exAH. I wasn't in recovery and didn't have a program when I was going through my separation, and I didn't know how much pain I was going to cause myself by continuing to text and call because I was sad. Inevitably, he got his hopes up about us getting back together, and then I'd waffle back and forth for a day or two until I remembered why it was I split up in the first place. It caused me so much pain and anxiety, and I realize in hindsight that I kept doing that because I felt guilty and bad because I knew he was so sad.
Hang tight, and let go and let God. You can make it through today. Don't worry about tomorrow or the next day, just do today. It'll be okay. Good for you for posting instead of calling or texting!
White Rabbit - your post is exactly how I feel and how I know the results will be right now. I have been better today, focusing on work and other stuff and not thinking too much about his. I have to remind myself that I think/obsess about our relationship more than he does (or more than he appears to or admits to). So my thoughts about how he "must feel" are not his reality and he may not be as hurt as I think he is. Which would also make me feel worse.
I don't want to torture him with my "yo-yo" emotions. And even more so - I don't want to torture MYSELF with that. I am trying to detach or at least to distract myself - whenever I have a "missing him" thought - I try to go back to something that bothered me - whether it is related to drinking or not. As much as I want to think that he could stop drinking and be the person I need and deserve, I know in my mind that he is still in denial and I think he will be for at least the near future. And we never had a relationship when he wasn't drinking too much, so it is not certain that if we were both in recovery that we would make a good couple.
So - everyone should expect to see me a lot on the MIP board in the forseeable future!
So hard. I unblocked my STBXAW and her bf on facebook today to snoop a little. Why do I rain pain on myself like that? Every snoop or contact or even people telling me anything about her messes me up more. I'm the one who cont try again. She wants to come back. Too much damage. But I'm the one who obsesses and snoops. No solutions. Just relating.
BR - I had to laugh when I finally "decoded" your acronym for your A (I'm slow to the forum abbreviations sometimes). The internet can be so great for support and information but is h-ll for those of us who feed off of the drama of the As in our life. FB and all of those sites really can mess with my sanity (what sanity I have). I learned that in a past relationship that was short, so the pain wasn't that bad and thankfully I got thru it unscarred, but lesson learned. There are just some people in my life I shouldn't be THAT connected to!
