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My ex A boyfriend is drinking again. Since he left we have become friends, chat, talk etc. He is binging weekend with his new girlfriend and its become a disaster. Sounds totally crazy. I am trying to distance myself from it but I can't hellp but worry, its been over 24 hours since I have heard from him. Their last bout of drinking landed his girlfriend with a broken arm.
He tells me he needs to leave her but doesn't. Since they moved in together the drinking has increased and he has dropped out of AA. He is in school and can't afford a place of his own -another reason I am sure they are living together.
I am new to the ALANON part of being with an active drinker. Most of the time we were together he was sober. So forgive me if this sounds so basic but I don't know what to do but worry when I don't hear from him.
I am working with a sponsor and currently on steps 2 and 3 of my program. I really need to get to a meeting tonight but until then can you wise ones fill me in as to how to deal with this?
Remember the three C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. If worrying stopped other people from getting into trouble, there wouldn't be any trouble in this world.
I had a powerful lesson in letting go when I went shopping with a friend once. Her house was on a riverbank and we were having unusual floods. There was a strong danger that her house would be undermined by the water, broken up, and swept away. She had moved into a motel while she waited to see what would happen -- there was no stopping the river. So we went shopping at a furniture store. I said, "I can't believe you're so calm while your house might be swept away." She said, "Well, when I finally go back, either it will be there or it won't. So there's no use thinking about it; that won't change anything." So she had a good day shopping -- but she didn't buy anything, because she didn't know if she had a house to take it back to!
As it turned out, her house did survive, and later she actually moved it to where it was in no danger. But her example to me that afternoon had the greatest effect.
Thank goodness you are not the new girlfriend, in the spotlight of danger. Good for you for being more detached. I always did best keeping the focus squarely on myself. It's just an illusion that we can't stop things from happening just by worrying about them. And maybe stopping them from happening isn't what's best anyway. Maybe bad things have to happen to allow the drinker to hit bottom and turn himself around. All of that is on its own schedule. Our lives are on our schedule.
Take care of yourself. So glad you have a meeting coming soon!
You have to learn to detach. I know that's easier said than done. But it does become easier with practice. So practice, practice, practice. I'm pretty new to this too and have had to learn to detach from my AH. He used to drive me crazy with worry when he was drinking. Now it's getting a little easier for me. I try to put the worry out of my mind-¨let go and let God¨ as they say. Because I figure God can take a lot better care of him than I can. Also, when you can't get to a face to face meeting there are meetings in the chat room here twice a day. Keep coming back- There is a lot to be learned from the folks here. I'm sure that some others will come along to give you some more ESH.
Wow Jasobel - that really sounds like an awkward predicament.... In all honesty, it sounds to me as if either he is placing you (or you are placing yourself) in a pseudo-sponsor type of roll with this ongoing friendship/communcation, that is leading to worry and angst on your part....
As the others have said - detach, detach, detach....
His dealings.... his using or not using..... his relationships..... good or bad, positive or negative - are no longer yours to deal with.... I know it is easier said than done...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Detaching from the alcoholic when you fear they are harming themselves or others is extremely difficult. If you have knowledge of such harm, you can call authorities to step in.
Unfortunately, many of us "worry up" the harm and this eats at us from the inside.
I often tried to stand in the way of my AH's speeding train. I found that this was futile in the end, and it was often me who got run over! I once heard someone say that the best we can do is leave our loved ones to their HP - we shouldn't try to cause a disaster for them, but we also should not stand in the way of their consequences, or they may not get to hear, see or feel what HP wants them to - and WE are not their HP.
This all sounded so heartless to me at first. But I realized that I was destroying myself by trying to save the alcoholic and perhaps preventing my loved one from connecting with his HP. I also found comfort in loving him still - regardless of the heartless disease he had. I find comfort from a reading in "Courage To Change" - page 321.
Aloha Jas...You're still new here and to program so don't feel you need to get it over night. It didn't happen overnight so take your time. Good for you working the first two powerlessness steps and great that you have found a sponsor...awesome!! That alone gets you support with experience...YAY!! This program comes with practice. Sorry there are no magic wands in the hands of our sponsors. What they do is hold open the door and the light above the path which they know well as they have walked it. I am happy for you. Follow the suggestions. detaching has many many forms. Detaching with a phone is using the off switch and letting the alcoholic and everybody else hold on while you practice the program. Detaching with HP is listening exclusively to your sponsor and your HP instead of anyone not dealing within the program. Detaching with prayer is sitting very still and comfortably and softly and slowly reciting the Serenity Prayer or any other prayer you get spiritual balance from. Detaching with Love is accepting everything and everyone in your life at the moment as being just exactly the way it should be for the moment and you are NOT NEEDED to do anything but your own needs. Detaching with a different focus is shutting off the phone for a couple of hours and during that time reading from our literature specific topics such as detaching and not going on to something else until you're done. Hope that doesn't scare you. It's in the practice.
Worrying about the alcoholic never got one sober. (((((hugs)))))
Jerry, as always, your words are very helpful to me (and I am sure to all of the others who are reading). Thank you for your "plain English" examples of detaching. When I am focusing on my worries and focusing on my A's behavior, it is hard to slow down and remember how to detach. I actually may save your suggestions somewhere where I can access them on a regular basis. Good tools when my head is full of the "what if" worst case scenarios.
