The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"If we could extract the "I" from our thoughts, some of us would lose our focus. We have a tendency to think only of our comfort, our convenience, our point of view, our feelings, and our happiness.
What if we made a conscious effort every day to put someone else first? What would it cost? The results may surprise us, because one of the spiritual paradoxes is that putting another first, makes us happy. It may be hard for the I in us to release its hold, but focusing on the needs of someone else can bring us a sense of deep personal satisfaction."
This was the thought for the day from Hazelden one day last week. Just having a hard time with the contradiction between putting ourselves first and putting someone else first. Isn't that our problem in the first place? Putting others before ourselves? I'm kind of lost on this one. Sometimes I feel I'm being very selfish when I'm taking care of myself first, how can we know the difference between being selfish or self centered and putting ourselves first and taking care of ourselves?
I know for me, my problem isn't being self centered in such an obvious way. The A's in my life are very very selfish and think the world revolves around them. I was raised in an A home therefore raised to believe that the world revolves around A's. So, my problem is really putting the focus back on myself in a healthy way.
I was used to trying to get attention by playing the victim or martyr. That was the only way I knew how to get others to pay attention to me. It was like I didn't exist if I didn't have an A on my arm.
So, my challange today is to put myself first. But with kids it is hard. The old analogy about the air mask on the airplane works. If you don't put the mask on yourself first then you will die and so will the person you are trying to help. I hear that so much in meetings and I always think in my mind "yes but...." I finally figured out why.
My mother never taught me how to put the mask on myself. She made me dependent on her for everything. She figured she was taking care of me by doing everything for me. The difference is for me, I will take care of myself AND teach my kids how to take care of themselves which frees me up to put the mask on myself and then help them if they need it.
I don't know about you but putting people before myself got me into a big mess , which of course is how I ended up here I find the more I focus on my needs first the more I am able to help others , first I ask myself * do u have time to do this > do u really want to do this ? * if the answer is yes then I do , expecting nothing in return . Today i give myself permission to say NO I am sorry I cannot help u with that at this time . Doing for others prior to al anon gave me huge resentments and I cant afford those today . I don't always have to come first but I make sure that I take my turn . Works for me .
For me the solution is balance...fair, honest and just...I can focus on helping others and keep myself in the picture with the program also. That is what works for me.
I agree with Jerry - balance is the goal. I also view helping another as 'one in need'. For me, when I do service work or reach out to help others, I try to actually focus on those in need - not those I want to fix/change.
For this particular reading, I view the 'other' as my higher power or the group. I have to be careful and focused that when I'm 'helping' I'm making a positive impact in someones life - not enabling or entrenching myself in one or something I think is in need.
Not sure if this makes sense! But - I'm trying...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I find the more I focus on my needs first the more I am able to help others , first I ask myself * do u have time to do this > do u really want to do this ? * if the answer is yes then I do , expecting nothing in return . Today i give myself permission to say NO I am sorry I cannot help u with that at this time .