The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and looking for those who can offer experience, strength and hope for dealing with an affair. My AH is 8 years sober. When we met, he was very active with meetings and sponsorship. Actually, one of the things which attracted me was the AA principles he was teaching me without my even knowing. He was a listening ear at a very difficult time and because of things he said, I was able to look at my life differently....months went by and we started to date. He told me most of his truly incredible story but left out an important detail, that he'd had an affair in a previous marriage... Long story short, we married. Almost immediately after we married, I heard his whole story on CD, which he provided. I was stunned; I would not have dated him if I'd known the truth and told him so. (I am still sorry I said it) He knew it, that's why he didn't tell me; I dealt with infidelity in my first marriage. He promised he was not that man anymore...that was before treatment and AA. I trusted and stayed with him. We continued with our plan to move to a different county because of his work. He quit being sponsored, meetings were fewer and less quality and the insanity began almost immediately. I now know that I fed the insanity because I had no Alanon experience. I left him when the affair began (6 mos. into the marriage). It's now over, he says and he is working the steps...with a sponsor, I think, not sure. We have agreed to remain separated while we each work on ourselves. The good thing is, the devastation drove me to Alanon...for that I am grateful! The bad thing is, I am full of fear that I will never trust him again. He is too. I have listened in meetings since June for someone to address this but they don't. I know I am not alone but need to hear the stories that end well...with or without the alcoholic. My sponsor knows and loves him and encourages me to believe in miracles. I know the man that he is when he's actively living AA. That's the man I want.
I am nearly done with step 5 and am looking forward to making amends. Missing him is painful but so is the anxiety about whether I'll have to go through this again.
If you have experienced this first hand, please share!
Well you rang my bell , infidelity unfortunatley is common in relationships like ours .* Dry or Drunk - stinkin thinkin* I know what it did to me - I shut down a part of me promised that no one would ever hurt me like that again . not good . Until Al-Anon I really didnt see what I had done , holding back a part of me from my husb . and just performing so to speak . that hurt me alot . In recovery I made amends to myself for doing that to me = I was able to let it go and take a chance to trust , one foot in the marriage and one out just dosent work . it had to be all or nothing . I told my husb that if it ever happened again I was done and I meant it . he said he knew I was serious and made a commitment to remain faithful . Trust takes time , but in order to move on I had to forgive and let go . which means I don't bring it up in an argument , he dosent deserve to be reminded of how much that hurt me . I know to day that his behavior has hurt him alot more than it did me . In your step 5 talk it out with your sponsor cry and get ticked off u have a right to feel it and a responsibility to let Go. My mother told me along time ago that u can forgive anyone anything . ONCE I never forgot that . good luck Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Sunday 7th of February 2010 08:14:43 PM
I have never qualified infidelity. In the disease of alcoholism it is rampant because alcohol will pretty much permit another to do things they would not do sober. It desolves personal value systems among a host of other things. I don't participate when I know it is going on and if it is going on I am going away. After a tune it does and will become a habit like being drunk and while in the program we forgive ourselves and others for unacceptable behavior I must protect myself the best way I can from the consequences of it. This disease doesn't only kill the alcoholic. It can and will kill those affected by the alcoholic with or without a car or gun or whatever. Sex and alcohol or actually anything and alcohol is not a wellness program.
