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The past few days I have been struggling....Grateful but struggling somewhat.<BR><BR>For some reason EXABF has been in my thoughts over and over again and I have been praying to HP to please remove any thoughts or feelings I have left for him in my mind and heart. It is hard to still have feelings for someone that you are still angry with in so many ways. It will be a year the first day of Spring since we "tried again" and to me that is long enough. HP must feel otherwise though so I am trying to be still and trust that He knows what is best for me and the thoughts/feelings will pass when He knows the time is right.<BR><BR>I've been dating a guy for a little over 1 1/2-2 months now. He lives an hour away so even though we talk daily, do to schedules, we can only see one another like 2 times a month.<BR><BR>In many ways he seems to be a great guy, but my gut just isn't trusting him yet. I've set boundaries with him-for example he had a habit of calling me in the evening when he got home from work and waking me up. The first time was unintentional-after that he knew I went to sleep early. One day he was off ALL day, and called me at 1030 at night-I didn't answer, and gave no explanation the next day. After that he started calling earlier. He was supposed to come down this weekend, and we had a blizzard-However-he wasn't supposed to come down until tonight, so really he could have-had it been that he really wanted to-or so I think. He tells me today when we spoke-finally at 3pm-that he was heading to his mom's for dinner. Now he had been outside all day shoveling, so he must have previously made these plans for dinner-without letting me know he would not be attempting the drive. Now again-the main roads are clear, snow was done.<BR><BR><BR>I have been going back and forth with ending the dating. He has mentioned the distance issue several times and it's not the drive he mentions but WHAT IF we got together who would move, etc? He does not want to waste time dating someone that there is not a possibility of it moving forward. I've told him how I feel and that in order to get to THAT POINT as to who would move when, we'd first have to decide we wanted a committed relationship and them move forward and we aren't there yet. He is so preoccupied with the future that he is not living in the now and enjoying this dating/beginning part that should be fun. He is very guarded and has obviously been hurt in the past, very deeply. His ex finance cheated on him the day after they got engaged and there were other bad experiences. I won't fight him to lower his walls, it is a loosing battle-I know this because I lived it for years.<BR><BR>I know that it is wrong to have expectations-that they are premeditated disappointments, but is it wrong to have desires or EXPECT to be treated a certain way in a dating relationship? I want someone who is capable of caring deeply for me-eventually-not jumping in head first. Someone who will be there and is willing to lower their guard and become vulnerable and intimate with me. Don't misunderstand...I'm not ready to commit to this man yet, and have made that clear. I may never be, however I don't want to be with someone or dating someone that there isn't a possibility that that person is capable of caring deeply eventually. It is also very difficult to work my program and focus on TODAY and live in the now sometimes with this man as he is what he calls a "realist" and thinks ahead. I believe a lot of his "reality" is defence mechanisms to keep people at a distance.<BR><BR>I'm just not sure that investing time in a long distance dating relationship with this man is a good idea at this point, especially when he has mentioned the distance issue several times, and has such a hard time expressing his feelings, and is so very guarded. I also find myself comparing how he treats me to how EXABF treated me, and even thought EXABF, in the end pretty much wiped his feet on me, in the beginning he was amazing and the best boyfriend a woman could have-attentive, kind, caring, thoughtful, considerate, romantic, good listener, affectionate, etc. But Im wise enough to realize that EXABF put up a good front early on and that is usually not a good thing-to someone who had been alone a long time it was everything.<BR><BR>So for today, I am just trying to be and be still. Remembering when in doubt-don't and if nothing ever changes nothing ever changes. Insanity, I know, is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.....so today I am trying not to react to my fears, but still to listen to my gut and trust myself and just be in today. <BR><BR>Just having a bit of a hard time the past few days....getting inside my head to much with EXABF and the past, and scared in many ways of the future it seems, but trying to work my program and focus on me. I know a lot of it is related to my rx's being all changed around and stress over this upcoming dr test on weds and another surgery, and today I am beat from 6 hrs of straight shoveling, so tomorrow will be a new day....and a blessed day as always:)<BR><BR>Any ESH would be appreciated<BR>Love and blessings, <BR>shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
wow, shelly you are dealing with a couple of different issues there and I found it best to seperate them and deal with things like, one at a time. First off, you are saying you are not over/healed from your ex. Whenever we dont heal from an expereince, we carry it into the next one, so I can see how it is very confusing for you now. It also appears your new fella is not over his ex either. When I say over, I mean you have done the -feel, deal heal - forgiven and learned your lessons from it. So, I would say, go back throught the issues with the exabf and forgive his part in what happened and forgive YOU for your part in what happened. When u do this, you will be free of the past.
I think when we compare ourselves or others, to other expereinces, it isnt the greatest thing to do, but we do do it, I guess it is natural. Unfotunately, we might end up taling ourselves into not so great a compromise by doing this - so & so did this, this is now like this - what can I tolerate - we tend to tolerate a little more of what we dont like. The first time u compromise yourself, it hurts but then it gets easier to do and our inner voice gets fainter and fainter.
Expectations will always hurt YOU even the "good ones", as I have learned. It sets us up, we are busy looking to the future and not living in right now, the present moment, which is - reality. I found I had alot of negatvie expectations too, and they were quite frankly me, allowing me to become bitter.
Throwing out ALL expectaions is better - I am not focused on any outcome and then I am open to the unlimited possibilites, plus I get to be surprised or enchanted by what happens - instead of jaded.
If this guy is talking about where the relationship is going after 6-8 wks and you see him twice a month, so that is 3-4 times, u have seen him? How can after 4 dates anyone be talking about the future? Ack that is crazy/red flag to me. Listen, I was like that myself. (Im acoa) I jumped into relationship - feet, head first whatver - I was all in and invested. That is NOT the appropriate action to take. I would try to force my realtionships. I wanted a connection so much and Id be instantly all in. Any healthy person would run from this behavior (& belive me I ran off tons of good guys) and rightly so! Relationships take time to devlop and unfold, slowly, naturally. I also discovered that if I had gotten to know most of the men I was involved with, as a friend first - I never would have slept with half of them. So, I say - take your time. Let it develop into a relationship/freindship, slowly & naturally. Anything worth having, is worth not rushing, seriously.
"I know that it is wrong to have expectations-that they are premeditated disappointments, but is it wrong to have desires or EXPECT to be treated a certain way..." -shelly
I dont really think of this as having expectations/desires -- for me it is about boundareis and not compromising myself. It is absolutely healthy to have boundareis for how you want to be treated emotionally. You are entitled to anything you say & feel you are worthy of. I do belive in fairness though and am willing to allow otthers to hold these same boundaires of their own. We all deserve respect and we all need to give it to ourselves first, if we want others to reciprocate.
I had to put myself - in check over how I operated in relationships. If u want a partner to live with or marry, take your time. I'd say date at least a year b4 u start talking/working towards that goal, esp with having your son involved -- it isnt fair to him or either of you.
I was told early on in program - to do the opposite of what I always did. So if I met a guy that I dated and really really liked them & I felt all the fireworks going off like bananas -- I would step waaaay back, take it slow. It was also told to me that when I felt these fireworks, that it might be this intense, crazy - same old thing - like here I go, jumping from the frying the pan and into a fire!
I have only had one healthy realtionship & its with the man I am living with and planning my future with. Even though wehn I first met him, I had the innate feeling that I would not hurt myself if he was with me (bc I has been previously suicidal) - and yes, I did tell him that too -- we still allowed our friendship to develop. See, I think the intesity of his feelings scared him, so he broke up with me -but- we remained friends and continued to date (even though we took breaks in the sexual aspect of the relationship). Those breaks allowed us to become true friends and then we got back together over time. I am glad it happened like that bc we had so much more value for each other. I had never stayed with a guy that broke up with me & even though I thought it was a little weird, I went with it and said, yes I will stay in as a friend and have emotional intimacy with you.
So, idk where I;m going with all of this -- except to say -- take your time, you are worth it and anything worth having, will stand the test of time. You know, love is patient and kind, it is not demanding. However - I do feel it is vital that you have demands, "expectaions" or boundaries for how you want to be treated. If you dont stand up for you, no one else will and u will be compromised. Take your time and stay in the now. My personal impression is that this guy is trying to force an instant relationship with you.
Take what u like & leave the rest ~ take care of YOU, whatver that looks like. love, -KoL
p.s. to say more why it is important to be open to the possibilities (in the movive, what the bleep do we know - it is explained succintly) -- if you focus on one thing - u are honing in and fixating on that one possible outcome. There are infinite possible outcomes but bc we are focused on one in particular - we cannot see the realm of possibilities. I will say further, this is us being in our egos - thinking we know the outcome and we are not open to hearing HP/god. When I mangaed to get into -right now -this moment (and stop projecting into the future) I found all of this energy and excitement. I was feeling the sea of unlimited pure potentiality ~ I was open to God. Now I spend my moments, being in this state - I dont know what the future holds but I am able to be alive and feel this moment.
I also dont ahve to decide anything - I can allow my life to unfold, not control and direct. Surely my controlling wasnt working, after all it landed me here and over 20 yrs of emtoinal pain and angst. It is so much easier, happy & peaceful to say, ok God, I surrender and I am open to feeling in this moment. Right now is reality. This moment is all we have a guarantee of.
So throw out all outcomes/expectations and be open to the possibilites God has in store for you - surely it is amazingly and infintely better than anything we could come up with.
-- Edited by kitty on Sunday 7th of February 2010 10:14:48 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can tell you that I don't think we get out of a bad relationship and waltz into a new one. All the concerns, boundary issues you have are a sign of great great health. We have to practice for a long time before we can know how to have a good relationship. You're doing that and really that is a great great case for you being able to get some of what you want rather than what you had.
