The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
when I was with the ex A I really jumped full throttle into his stories of what he was going to do. I would rage and rail and rage some more about what he didn't do and I would really put a lot into all the things he "promised'.
Recently I have had the grace to have a co worker who is an alcoholic in my company. He is a master at creating a good impression. He is also a master at making sure the one thing in his life that is protected is his ability to go to the bar. Even when he is sick he manages to get there. He is absolutely full of projects, the vegetable garden (he put the shovel in once and that was it for now), the second job (he hasn't applied for any but he will he will ), the blog he writes (all about the bar), at some point he is going to research other bars but for now most of his time is at the bar.
When I was with the ex A I had no perspective, I believed him, I put myself in the equation. Most of all I needed him. I allowed myself to become dependent and reliant on someone who was completely unreliable.
When I listen to my coworkers stories, I say very very little. I know he feels I do "nothing" I don't much care about that. I don't join in the promises or the claims of anything. I listen and know I never ever saw the ex A at all until years and years after I left him.
Thank you, Maresie. It has been so hard for me to believe what they do and disregard what they say. Especially at the times when I can tell that they believe all their claims whole-heartedly -- it's so hard to keep my hope from getting ahead of my reality. But I can see that it's essential for detachment, recovery, and serenity.
The reason I can be detached from this man is of course there is no involvement for me beyond being pleasant. I sank my heart, life and soul into the ex A very very early on. I had many many many cues that he had major substance abuse issues. I lived, ate and slept denial in order to not see them. This man is only my coworker but the sign he is an alcoholic is like a neon one. I know there was a huge issue on my part in not wanting to see the obvious most of my life. My blindness was my need and dependency. I have to watch myself very very carefully around any alcoholic because I want to save, monitor, control and influence them. I am now respectful but not invested. And I know I have to watch myself very very carefully because I invest far too quickly and much too deeply from day one in a relationship.
Man, do I EVER understand and relate to this. I still struggle with this in my relationships with alcoholics - the two close to me that are active, in particular. For me, it started when I was just a child. Someone would enthusiastically promise (while drinking) to take me somewhere or do something with me and then the time would come and we wouldn't do it. I would be disappointed and hurt. This continued into my relationship with my ex AH. He'd promise that "in 6 more months," we'd be financially in a much better place and not have to worry and then we'd take a vacation, or "in 6 more months" he wouldn't be working so much and he'd be home more often, etc. I'd believe all the wonderful things he said - and I know that he wholeheartedly believed them when he said them. I was always really angry when there was no follow through, and I think that's one of the things that I picked the most fights over.
These days, I'm working on it. I still want to buy into what other people say, and sometimes I don't remember to look at their actions instead. I'm getting better, but this is hard for me.
I believe there will come a time that we can see past the neon signs of the challenges we have aversions to, and have a great deal of caution about, and see all the way to the divinity that lies within everybody. It's so beautiful to see a bright shining spirit, living a happy life, free from the darkness that can be so overwhelming in a person who forgets how to see the light, or looks for joy "in all the wrong places," or has become shackled by addictions or delusive habits.
I got so good at knowing who was an alcoholic, I could see them from a mile away. And I worked in a restaurant. Then I realized if that was my focus, then I was also visible to them. It became so awkward...One night I walked past this guy, and he simply hissed at me. That's when I remembered, I don't need to make enemies of alcoholics, and I don't need to be targeting them. I just thank God when I see the symptoms that I don't buy into them anymore.
I send my love to my friends and to the world; I believe we all have the ability along with the natural desire to acheive serenity and much, much more, if we just keep going within to seek peace and calm, spiritual growth and wisdom in enlightenment, and follow the steps that work best for us fundamentally, so that we can become free again not only to find ever new joy in our lives, but to share it and bring others to it as well. love, mac
Don't get me wrong I mean this man absolutely no harm at all. I don't actually even say anything when he makes his comments. I just know that I did not see them for what they were before.
The ex A had huge plans, huge promises and what always held him back was his drug problem. He blamed me and he blamed me and he blamed me for years. Before he blamed me he blamed his previous girlfriend for years too.
I am cautious today. Obviously I do not need to be that that cautious with a co worker but I have boundaries, huge huge boundaries around people who want to dump on me and blame me now. I didn't have them before.
It still amazes me (and I'm sure it will for a long time) that there always seems to be a post or 20 on here that speaks to me. I understand hoping my A's promises are real this time.. I keep letting myself fall for it over and over. But while reading this post I realized I have been doing this so much longer then just my time with him.. My parents are both Active Alcoholics and have always been. I remember as a kid always getting so excited over the camping trip they promised or the trip to the store, then getting so crushed when it never happened. I've also realized I do this with alot of things.. The camping trip last year that got cancealed due to rain, the trip that got cancealed because I was in surgery.. It didn't matter that there were valid reasons these plans did not happen.. It just hurt that something I set my heart on fell through yet again. I have noticed now that I try to not get excited over any plans/promises, (emphisis on TRY) but that is not always good either. Now it is almost like I am expecting everything to fall through without giving it a chance. I know setting my heart and my hopes on other peoples promises does not always turn out well, but not believing anything will turn out is just as upseting.. I know I just have to find that middle ground in there somewhere, guess I'm just stuck in the valley or can't find my way off the mountian. I will find it, for me and my sanity I need to. Thanks for posting this.. and listening..
