The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm catching up on reading this morning and have gotten through only a few topics when two things jumped out at me and almost SMACKED me they were so relevant... the fantasies in my head and the illusion of a fairy tale ending. I started to comment as a reply to someones post - but decided to go ALL OUT with a topic of my own.
I think that the fantasy that there "wasn't something wrong" and that behind everything, my ABF could control his drinking - if he tried hard enough, if I cared enough and said the right things and did the right things... well that fantasy kept me away from the recognition that he has a disease and I have a problem. That fantasy kept me away from HERE - Al Anon in all of its forms.
I have backed away from my decision to break up with my ABF so many times - thinking that whatever had pushed me to that limit wouldn't happen again. I continue to think to myself that I might be wrong, that he might not be sick, he might just like to "have fun" that this might be the result of something else - a depression over other events in his life... and that if I leave, I might miss his change. I might miss the good times - and there are good times.
If I leave - will I find someone who loves me as much as he does? Who is so thoughtful with gifts and little things that he does for me? Will I find someone who finds me as physically desirable as he does? Am I leaving a "good thing"?
If I leave now - am I not giving my recovery enough time? I haven't learned all of the tools here - not even close. Maybe I will recover even if he doesn't and we could have a wonderful life as I find the coping skills to detach from the bad moments, but I will be there to enjoy the good moments.
But, I am not happy... I find myself making plans for things that I enjoy that I can't or don't want to take him to. Vacation plans are being made without him, party invitations accepted - "party of 1". No "and guest"... I really don't want to be alone - I was alone for SO LONG before I met him, and he has shown me such love.
So, I broke up with him last night. It was at least the third time I "tried" to break up with him. He was upset... I was upset. He told me over and over that he wanted to work this out - had been trying to work it out and I believe him - he has done the best HE CAN right now. My head was full of noise and voices - all of the things that I have written here and more. I kept saying to myself - this is what I want right NOW. This is what I need. I deserve more. I don't know if I made the right decision, but I did the best thing I could right now.
Phew - that was a lot. I don't know if I will be able to silence the fantasies and the images that everything will change and that I have missed my fairy tale ending. But I will keep coming here (and to meetings)...
for some of us the giving them a chance goes on for years. For me personally it was 7 years. 5 years of that were too long. I would say even after 3 months I knew he had serious serious issues. One of my core issues was jumping in and getting over involved too quickly. I have had to really work to acknowledge the issue.
At some points the ex A was there for me. I don't say the relatonship was all bad. He tried but he did not try to get sober ever. As I had no self esteem I did not put sobriety on the line. I do know he went out of his way to hide his addiction from me. I also know that the addiction was always far far more important than our relationship was. For such a long time all I had was denial. Over time I got to have more tools with al anon but even with those leaving him was a big wrenching experience. I think you are very wise to look at how separate your lives are and how much you have already segregated him from your life. For me I was so angry about those occasions I was not able to look at them with clarity.
Aloha Fest..."When the alcoholic was out of my life"...I came to program with my eyes and ears wide open and wow did I discover that the dreams and fantasies and fairy tale endings would always be there. The white picket fence around the always blazing white cottage had warning spikes on top of them...Happiness Keep Out!! Why would it be that way I asked? and came to the realization that when it came to my life, the others in my life were only part of the problem.
My problem is me it is not only what I do but how and why I do it. I had to come to know that intimately so that I knew what the source was and had help and tools in correcting it. For me it's not about her or them or the "other guys"...its about me and my perfectionistic attitude in the face of the awareness that there is not such thing as perfection when I hold the ability to expect too much and find fault.
Knowing myself got me out of the fairy tales and fantasies and into acceptance of reality and sanity. There never was a perfect woman for me and never will be a perfect woman for me as long as "me" is in the picture. I cannot be the fulfillment of another persons fantasies and fairy tale endings either. That hasn't happened yet and never will. I won't become the slave of another persons will and trying to have another person fulfill my own will in any form is a sickening thought.
The subject in our literature that helped me a lot was on Denial and then acceptance and then discussions on compassion, grace and mercy plus all the other experiences shared in the rooms regarding reclaiming and restoring my life whether the alcoholic was drinking or not.
This is a very good topic. Thanks for bringing it here. (((((hugs)))))
My first marriage lasted 8 years - the last several years, I thought of divorce just about every single day. I wasn't happy, but I felt guilty and bad thinking of leaving. I didn't want to hurt him. Every time I brought up separating, he would promise things would be different and I desperately wanted to believe him. But things never were different. We didn't go back to the magical place that I convinced myself that we started. Looking back with objectivity, I know now that we were never in a magical place. We started exactly where we ended, it's just that I was no longer blind to the reality of it.
For me, I have to watch my tendency to think that happiness is a destination I get to. I tend to think, "When ______ happens, I'll be happy." That's not the way it works, and if I continue to think that way I'm going to waste my life trying to get to a place that doesn't exist. Through working on my own problems, I've come to realize that happiness is a choice I make every single day - some days better and easier than others.
Thanks again for the topic. I'm really getting a lot out of the board today.
This is a good topic, and I thank you for bringing it 'here'. At times, it takes me a bit of thinking to align the topic or post to my situation. Since I've got 2 As in my home, whom are at different places --- it seems I have to consider all discussions in 2 ways.
While I can be slow at times, I'm coming to understand that's not true. In fact, as a double winner, and a super analytical thinker, this processing has been truly confusing my mind and making me stuck in a few areas.
I am and will be forever grateful to the 12 Steps. Upon accepting that my Ason truly was infected with this disease, I truly had to stop my brain and process (with a counselor).
You see, my 'fairytale' has changed over the years. He's athletic, academic, handsome, funny and tons of natural talent. As one who was pushed very hard by my parents, I have always wanted him to find that which makes him happy and go with it.
Every counseling session over the last x years, when folks ask what I want for my son, I've answered - happy, healthy and whole. Never a mention of college, job, career, money, wife, etc. So - thought I was approaching his choices with an open mind.
Today, I want my son 'alive'. Of course, I still want him happy, healthy and whole - however, alive is a place to start. What happens next is between HP and he. I can't keep getting in the way and this is a hard pill to swallow.
When I think about 'me' and the future - I see it as a series of next right things. Only because of the 12 Steps do I work hard to stay in the now. All the potential futures for me are welcome as I view them as part of the bigger plan.
I've been quiet lately (for me....lol), and it's cuz I'm sad. When I can think clearly, I'm sad because I'm projecting. That which I project is not always good. I so often forget that my HP has great things in store for me, if and when I get outa the way.
So - for me, today - I must stop thinking too darn hard and just do the next right thing in this moment, on this day and try to leave the rest to God. Otherwise, I work myself into a tizzy and that feeling is getting more and more uncomfortable.
(((((Hugs to you all))))) - sorry for ranting/carrying on - Fantasies & Fairy Tale Endings gotta stay on the TV for my program/sanity...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
