The material presented
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So here I am again on this same topic. I have been married to my recovering A for 6 years. In those 6 years it has always been our house rule that there is no smoking in our house. In the last week, I came hoe to find a cigarette butt floating in the toilet. I told AH that it was unacceptable. I don't want our house to smell like smoke and I don't want our 2 babies around the second hand smoke. He claimed that our son needed him so he came in to the house. I suggested, "Why not throw down the butt on your way into the house?" I didn't say it in an angry tone. I wasn't yelling at him. So...this morning I was up with our son. I went to use the bathroom and when I came back into the kitchen, there was AH with a lit cigarette sitting on the end of our kitchen table. Again, I told him this was unacceptable. He got mad, slammed the door, and went to his man cave. I guess I should expect this reaction since developmentally he is about 15 right now (Started using when he was 14). I am proud of myself for telling him that his behavior is unacceptable. So now what happens? He knows how I feel about smoking in our house and around our kids. In the past, I would have just yelled at him or gotten mad but not said anything to him. I just want the best life for my kids and for myself. Thanks for letting me share.
When I set the same boundary for my ABf he reacted just like your partner. He would do it when I was out or light one when I was out the room. I just kept on asking him to put it out I stuck to what I had said. Yes he got angrey, slammed doors had a tantrum but I stuck to my guns after a while he started just going outside for a smoke it was easier. I find my A does this with all boudaries I set he challenges them because he doesnt want the change. I can not do anything about that but I can rein force my boundary. I too used to struggle with setting boudaries and still do sometimes but with practice I am getting better another member posted this to me I wrote it down in my Al anon book and it helps me to set and stick to my boundaries.
define the boundary e,g no smoking in the house Have clear consequences that do not hinder your serenity. Set the boundary clearly (communicate clearly) Enforce it consistently Without regard for the relationship release expectation outcome.
hope this helps
-- Edited by Tracy on Saturday 6th of February 2010 08:14:23 AM
I thank you for the topic and also for the ESH so far. I am learning how to do boundaries right now, and tend to panic a bit when there is reaction to the boundary.
Tracy - you brightened my day by sharing that there was reaction to almost/all boundaries set. This feels like where I'm at right now. I am grateful to know that it doesn't just happen here - the reacting or over-reacting to boundaries.
supermom - YaY to you for setting the boundary and working hard to restate and enforce. That's a super way, I feel, to take care of you and your children!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The only thing I can share is how I handle it when my teenage son crosses one of my household boundaries. I too have had the raging, slamming, angry man go hide in his cave when I raise it.
I've found that it is better for me to wait until we are far away from the incident itself before talking about it. An example was that I believe my son smoked in his room one night, I found the butts, smelled the smell and also found that he used a spray to cover it up. I was pretty mad myself and tried to discuss it with him immediately. But my voice showed my anger even though I was trying to pretend I was this cool calm collected mom. The result - the man cave response. I waited a few days, until I was calm and let him know I wanted to explain to him why it was so important to me. I talked to him about how hard it was for me to give up smoking, that I don't want to be exposed to second hand smoke, and as the owner of my home, I don't want my guests to have to smell it either. I also don't like his decision to smoke, but I know that's his decision. I asked him once again not to smoke in my home and he hasn't. He told me he was cold when he has to go outside - that's why he smoked inside. I agreed he could smoke in the garage if it's really cold.
This is a tough one, because saying "No smoking inside!" is something a mother does to a kid, or a boss to an employee. I think spouses in an equal relationship come to an agreement together. He's decided he doesn't like the deal any more and he's going to just go ahead and break it. You respond by telling him what the deal is. If the rule isn't working any more, I'd think he should really say, "You know, this is my own house and I want to smoke in it. Let's talk about this." Or if you just find him smoking, you might say, "We used to have an agreement that you didn't smoke in the house. But now I see that you're doing it. Is this agreement not working for you? Let's revisit the reasons we decided on it. I genuinely want to hear your point of view."
Of course, my guess is that an A is not up to an adult discussion. But the trouble with not having the discussion is that then it becomes a control issue -- like the drinking can be. "You're not supposed to be smoking in the house." "Yeah" (does it anyway, semi-secretly.) "I said you're not supposed to be smoking in the house!" "Yeah, yeah, get off my back." (Does it again.) Etc. ....
If it's a deal-breaker for you, then that's where it would involve setting some boundaries and some consequences that you really are ready to follow through on.
Unfortunately, scolding my A (or in fact anyone I was involved with) didn't tend to produce very much cooperation, even when he was very clearly in the wrong. (Which was most of the time, lol!)
