The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have never done this before, and I am new to Al-Anon, that being said, I am no stranger to Alcoholics and their behavioral and emotional tendencies. So here is my story and subsequent question.
I share a long and varied past with a now recovering alcoholic. We have spent the past five years in either in a relationship, as best friends, or as sworn enemies. Suffice to say we know eachother inside and out. Over a year and half ago, we broke up for the last time while he was still using (which was obviously one of the primary reasons for all the ups and downs). We did not speak whatsoever for about a year. Sometime during that year, he has made the commitment to become sober, and has truly embraced the process of AA. Believe me, I have seen him totally bs about getting sober enough times to know that he is geniune this time around. We spoke again for the first time about 5 months ago, where we had 2 hour conversation and he apologized for everything he had done to me. Since then, we have slowly been building trust. I cannot emphasize enough how proud I am of him. He has made it to the six month mark, and I am amazed and so happy to see the best parts of him come into focus. Watching this transformation has made me a huge advocate of the program, which is why I am turning to Al-Anon for advice.
Since re-establishing our friendship, it has become more and more apparent to me that there is a very real possibility that this is the man I will spend my life with. Clearly, I am not without hesitation. He has done some of the most horrible things anyone could do to me in the past, so I am therefore very aware of the ugly side of things, and want to make sure that he is able to maintain his new approach to life. I also know that he is so new to sobriety, only 6 monhts in, but I am so impressed with his growth I can't help but think about it. To his credit, he is not rushing into anything whatsoever, he is in fact saying that he has no intention of getting involved until he is sober long enough, which gives me even more faith that he is serious about the program. I would never do anything to jeopardize his progress, not only because I love him and want him to be happy, but also because his progess is essential for any future. I have to know that this is a life change, and six months is too early to say. Therefore, I am conflicted about what I should do. Should I wait on him, and continue to talk to him on what is now a daily basis or should I keep my options open? How do I know when it is a for real life change? I know he is serious, but I would be a fool if I wasn't cautious. He told me the other day he was happy that he could show me he was a different person, but when and how will I be able to tell that this change is going to last? We love eachother, and he will always have my support. But I am confused as to what is the best thing for me. I vacillate between being hesitant and happy about having him in my life, so what on earth is the best thing for me to do?
-- Edited by HollyGolightly on Friday 5th of February 2010 09:28:16 PM
-- Edited by HollyGolightly on Friday 5th of February 2010 09:37:02 PM
-- Edited by HollyGolightly on Friday 5th of February 2010 11:46:49 PM
I think you are wise to be realistic and cautious about everything. Since you spent so long in a relationship with him, or reacting to the relationship (even in the form of not speaking to him), recovery is waiting for you too. Both AA and Al-Anon suggest that people in recovery not make any decisions hastily. So concentrating on your own recovery -- even exploring what that means -- will help you more than anything else. Try out some face-to-face meetings till you find some that are a good fit for you. Explore your part in what's happened and the ways in which you live your own life. These will help you whether or not you end up with him, whether or not he never drinks again. And then you'll be in the best place to make a wise decision about him when it's time to. Meanwhile, I wonder if the best decision is to not leave the door open, and not close it either, if you see what I mean -- look at yourself, not at the door.
Glad you're here. Read a ton of posts -- I've learned so much from reading other people's experiences.
Aloha Holly...We do our separate program for ourselves only. You're impressed with his first 6 months and looking into the future to determine what you do with it or about it. For me the answer was "nothing", "it's not about you" and after the initial stumble I came to the awareness that it was absolutely true. I got in and stayed in Al-Anon and only one of the reasons was the answer to the question why was I always in relationships with broken people while not realizing how broken I was myself? If I focused on my alcoholic I lost focus on myself and then I started worrying about "her" everything and attempting to manage and direct her again. How in the hell did I get that job? I didn't even have the manual for it, she didn't like it when I did it and there was no letter from God directing me to fix her or anyone else for that matter.
Confused...you betcha. You don't know what to do, when to do it, or how or why. Best not do anything under those conditions. Apply "Let go (absolutely) and let God (absolutely). Get into your own program and listen, learn, practice practice practice. The first three steps are summarized "I can't...step one" "God can...step two" and "I'll let Him...step three". Early AA recovery is shakey ground for him and for you. Let him have his HP and his Sponsor and his fellowship before anything else.
Since this disease is a fatal disease if he doesn't get sober...going crazy and/or death are realities.
Keep coming back here and continue to reach out for support. We keep each other alive and sane. (((((hugs)))))
I can so relate to your confusion MY partner hit his six months recovery in NOV , however his 5 month old nephew died he was so strong arranged the funeral took care of everyone I was so proud. But he forgot to keep the focus on him the disease struck again he drank two weekends on the run hating himself with his head down low he went back into AA and is back on track today. When this happened I was sent into shock I thought he was better. But i am glad he had a slip we have both learnt so much from it. He is seriously ill, he has to fight it on a daily basis . He can never promise that he will never drink again. My sponsor said to me tracy How would you like it if you was ill and trying to beat it and everytime you slipped your partner left you, kicked you out etc. She sad you have to accept he is an alocoholic, will always be an alocoholic. He may stay sober but he may have slips too. Today I ahve chosen to stay with my ABF he is in recovery and trying so hard. Today I know if he does start drinking that his his problem to del with I can not do anything about it. I will not worry about tomorrow or I will go crazy. I just take one day at a time. hope this helps as for yourself I could not have any form of relationship, friendship with my ABF unless I was in al anon it has educated me on alcoholism and helped me to learn about myself, my life and the things I need to change. Its an amazing journey for you nothing to do with any other person it gives you an inner contentment that help you to deal with life.
Hi Holly and welcome to MIP! I can only add that I'm glad you're here and keep coming back!
(((((Hugs)))))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Holly, I also cant add anything that the above posts havent said. I love the great experience, strength and hope you find here. Please know that your not alone and we are so glad you are here!
Welcome to the MIP family. Congrats on your friend's sobriety and recovery. I hope it works out for him. The most loving way to support him is to work on your recovery. It sounds counterproductive. But it isn't. Your reocvery has to be about you and for you regardless if he chooses recovery or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.
Recovery is selfish. It has to be. It's how we get better. It's how they get better. The more you know about this disease and it's impact on you, the better off you will be. Alanon will empower you to make the decisions that are best for you. We won't tell you what you should do. We will guide you and support you on your journey of recovery, so that you can make those decisions. When you make those decisions we will not judge you, but support you. Look for some local meetings, read the literature and enjoy the journey. Please keep coming back to us. Much love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Let me tell you a story. I like to tell stories, especially ones with happy endings.
Once upon a time there was a little boy who loved his father very much but his father never seemed to have time for him. One day the boy asked his father if they could go play catch and the man said not now I'm busy (because he was drinking).
The next day the boy asked his father if they could go fishing but the man said no not today son I have a lot of work to catch up on (but really he was just hiding in the garage drinking).
The next day the boy was back with another question and the man was starting to get annoyed with all these interruptions. He searched around the room for some way out. On the coffee table was a magazine, open to a map of the world. He tore that page out, ripped it into a dozen pices, gave it to the boy and said, "When you put that back together, then we'll see about that game or whatever it is you want to do."
The boy rushed off with his treasure for really that's what he saw the torn pieces as, a puzzle that his father had given him to play with. Well, little boys are like that. About ten minutes later he returned with the map all taped together and asked if they could play another game.
The man was astonished. How did you do this so fast?
The boy said, ah it was easy. he turned the page over. on the other side was the silhouette of a man's head. the boy said, when I put the man back together, the whole world came together.
I've been the boy and I later grew to be the man. Both Al-Anon and AA put us back together and a funny thing happened. The whole world came together.
Some stories have happy endings, but you gotta hang around to see how they turn out. ;)
Keep coming back. Have a great day.
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If you want something you never had before, then do something you never did before.
