When my ex A said he was fine to drink, he was drinking.  When he said he wasn't drinking, he was drinking.  When he said he'd been through treatment and now he understood it all, he had been through treatment and he was drinking. 

The chances of my own ex going into a bar and not drinking are so infinitesimal that it's not even worth thinking about.

I can sure identify with the longing for someone who could take our son for a while without my worrying about his safety.  I'm so grateful for all my sons' friends' parents who take my son for sleepovers and playdates.  When he's over at their houses, I don't have that nagging worry at the back of my mind. 

Hugs to you.  The "good" thing about alcoholism is that when they're drinking, they usually can't hide it for long.

Good Girl Melissa...Quack!! There goes my alcoholic.  Alcoholics have got to lie, even
they don't believe their own condition.   Use the tools.  ((((hugs))))

((((Melissa)))))

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is indeed very stressful.

The ESH I can give you is that what your A says to you means nothing, now that the courts are involved you can be quite sure that anything he tells you is an effort to manipulate you.

The paralells to my own divorce with my drug using A are eerie, he also went into rehab once he knew I was going to go through with the divorce.  He also added the nice touch of joining a church, so that he could tell the judge he had "really" changed and was a new man and deserved visitation.

I fought my hardest, since I knew it was all a lie (and it was, time proved that) but the judge told me that the court almost NEVER denies a father visitation, as it is the best way to ensure that they pay child support and the child does not become a burden on the tax payers.  That really sounds wrong and corrupt, but that is the sad truth.

If a man is not in prison and out walking the streets, they are considered functional enough to see their child in general, the most a court will do is have supervised visitation TEMPORARILY.

The most stressful thing to me was knowing that I would not be able to exercise my god-given instincts as a mother to protect my child from harm, as in under the supervision of a drug user/alcoholic. My  lawyer kept pointing out that I was not the only parent, and would have to accept that the other parent had equal rights to raise the child as they see fit in the eyes of the law.  It isn't illegal to drink in front of your child, or even be drunk in front of your child (although it should be), although it is illegal to drive drunk, and especially with your child in the car, and if something happens while you are drunk, you can be held responsible for it.

What I did was stop talking to my A COMPLETELY.  I let my lawyer do all of the talking, I didn't let him mess with my head or jerk my chain, and to be honest, the lies and phony front were nauseating.  I did not speak to him even in court, and once again, let my lawyer do all of the talking.  At least that saved me some misery. 

I pray that you find some peace with this situation and that your son is always kept safe.

MP

(((((missy))))) - so very sorry that this is 'there' in your face.

What came into my brain was the serenity prayer.  It's such a simple gift for us, and always brings calm to me, no matter what's presented in my brain.

In my home life, my aH sneaks and uses.  He, of course, thinks he's got it under control.  I've learned that focusing on that, makes me crazy if I let it and do it.

The one thing I wish I had done more of was ensure my children knew they had a safe and secure place to share about things that bothered them.  I'm learning (as they are teens now) little bits of information from mine that I wish they had felt they could share sooner.

I never realized how perceptive the young are.  Mine held onto many things for fear that it would start arguments or worse, a divorce.  Without intent and without knowing, we often create and exist in an environment that makes it difficult for our children to share openly and honestly that which bothers them.

What the serenity prayer allows me to do is ask for the courage to change that which I can - and in my world it's making my relationships with my sons the best they can be so they can feel safe sharing something about their dad, if needed, that may scare them or make them uncomfortable.

I do like the 'let the lawyers do the talking' - I've got friends that also deployed this, and it did minimize quite a bit of stress.  (((((Hugs))))) to you - take care of you and know we're here.

The best way to tell if an as yet unrecovered alcoholic is lying is to check to see if his lips are moving. I should know, having been one. And the worst part is, when alcoholics lie sometimes we don't realize we're lying. I can remember being on my knees with flowers in my hand, tears in my eyes, swearing it would never happen again, and meaning it, only to do it again the next day or the next week. Now, why would a person, who seems fairly intelligent, someone whom at one time we loved so dearly and who seemed to love us, engage in such insane behavior. Because we are powerless over alcohol.

Of course, there are some people who have absolutely no intention of getting well yet. I came to AA many years ago because I thought it would look good on a pre-sentence report. And it worked. I didn't have to go to jail. So I hung around a little longer to see what else I could I could manipulate out of AA and of the people in my life. I guess I hung around too much because I eventually got sober. Must be something in the coffee.

I remember telling my family I was back in, well we don't call it treatment here but I guess that's what it is. Anyway, they didn't believe me. And I couldn't blame them. I had lied so many times, broken so many promises, hurt so many of them, they just figured I was lying again. But that was 12 years ago. Most of them believe me now but some have never accepted me back into their life and that's sad but true.

over the course of my recovery I found Al-anon as well and that's why I'm here. I don't like to mention that I'm in AA because I don't want to offend or alienate anyone but also I don't mind listening to these poignant reminders of the way I was. A good friend of mine died a few days ago. the disease took him. at least he doesn't drink anymore and at least he's not hurting himself or his family anymore. Its small consolation.

from what I read in your post, he probably is lying to you and I can't say if he's doing it because he doesn't care about you or if he's doing it because he doesn't care about himself. I only know my own story and I know that sometimes we have to make tough choices about the people in our life. I know Alanoners who have loved their spouses through the darkest times and never once turned their back on them, whether they continued to drink or not. Personally, I don't know how they do that. Maybe there's more Power in this program than I give it credit.

I guess if you keep coming back, keep praying, keep talking about it, and keep an open mind, your HP will give you the answer you need.