The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't even know if this question addresses exactly what I need help with...
A little background...
I'm realizing that I'm not very good with feelings. Knowing them, recognizing them, expressing them or dealing with them.
I am trying hard to determine how I can be detached from a romantic partner and still love them in a way that is different than how I would love a friend. Ie. for me, there are things I really value in a romantic relationship, including reliability, responsibility, accountability, honesty and trust. These are not things that are typical of an A. I value these things so much that without them I don't feel I am capable of giving to a relationship in a way that I need to and want to. I have a lot to give, but only if those qualities are present. so for me, I arrive at the conclusion that loving an A romantically is not possible. I want to, I really, really do, but I feel like I can't.
But, I see many do it. At least say they do. And so I wonder if my ideas on "love" are flawed and that perhaps I have program work to do on this.
How do you love, with all you have to give and in a safe and fulfilling way that makes you feel complete, and at the same way, be detached and have no expectations for anything in return?
Good question. In the early days I detached with anger and indifference. These days I am able to detach with love. Much of the love is of course for me. I have limits, I have perspective and I have objectivity. I had none before.
For me, detachment doesn't mean indifference or that I don't care. I think that, the way I've come to understand it after a while in the program, detachment is a sign of love. Back when I couldn't or didn't detach, I was overly involved in trying to get other people to give what I wanted. I didn't live and let live - I lived to make other people provide me with whatever I needed to be comfortable. I kinda had the motto that I don't get what I EXPECT, I get what I INSPECT - and I inspected everything. I dug through other people's mail, dug through their pockets, dug through their cell phones and email, and whatever else I could get my hands on to make sure they were acting in ways I thought were right. That is not love.
Detachment also doesn't mean I'm a doormat and don't have opinions and let other people treat me however they want. I have boundaries now - that's one of the most important parts of loving myself.
When I detach, I allow the alcoholics around me to live their life and focus on living my own life instead of controlling theirs. I don't see detachment and romantic involvement as mutually exclusive by any means. My AH and I have a really wonderful relationship that I very honestly would not change for the world. To me, THAT'S love - accepting someone where they are.
I think I know what you're saying. All the things that mad eme fall in love with husband don't exist when he's drinking. I loved that he was responsible, caring, and supportive. Since his drinking got out of control, he was no longer any of those things and sometimes I wonder if I even love him anymore. If he quits drinking, can I fall in love with him again.
At the moment, I'm detached from his drinking - I know for sure I'm not detached with love, I just don't give a damn what he does when it comes to drinking.
Hi For me when I do not love someone I can walk away or sometimes I can detach with anger. However when I am working my Al anon programme well I understand that my partner is very ill and that he doesnot want to hurt me I try not to take his behavior personally. I know I can not stop him drinking or prevent the bad things that happen when he does. So I talk to my HP and hand my BF over. I detach from it all best I can and accept I am powerless there is nothing I can do to change him. However it is my resposibilty although I love this person and know they do not mean to hurt me in reality they do so I have to take measures to protect myself. E.g do not believe the promises, hide the car keys when he is drinking just protect myself and have boundaries, follow through with consequenses say what I mean and mean what I say but do not say it in a mean way. This I have learnt in theory but still practicing one day at a time to put it in to practice.
That's a good question. I think for me, I've come to see that I can't expect a relationship with an addict that's fulfilling for me. They can't meet my needs for reliability, trust, and the other things you mention. But that doesn't mean that I don't care about them at all. It's more that I feel a tenderness and compassion for them and their predicament. (This doesn't mean that I don't feel frustrated and exasperated -- sometimes at the very same time.) But I have to be detached, or else I'll expect things of them that they can't deliver.
I cannot imagine myself ever being unloving anymore. I was that before and I hated myself and what I had become and did. I learned in program as much as I could of unconditional love so that I could become that. It is not what I do...It is rather what I am. Early on I choose "Love is the opposite of hate" and that worked for a little time. Then it became "Love is the complete and total Acceptance of every other person for exactly who they are (without condition)" and most recently I have learned that "Love is the absense of fear". This one came from HP directly for what is one description of HP but Love and I cannot love what it is that I fear or fear what it is that I love. Profound huh? But then now everything I get from my HP is more profound than before. Maybe HP trust my understanding more.
So for today and I think a long time coming...Love is a part of character not only behavior. Mother Theresa wrote a short essay entitled "Love anyway" and although I wasn't really into it at the time it had a hook and I read it and she was the teacher me the student. She knew how to do it and I wanted to know how.
Sometimes I ask myself the question "How would HP want me to do this?" Silly question I learned later. If you're asking the definition of Love how you're supposed to do it the answer could only be...with Love...unconditional and unending." I have learned and accepted unconditional love. I don't love another person anymore or less than I love the members of the fellowship or MIP. Today I cannot have a prejudice. It's not about liking.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 6th of February 2010 12:33:16 AM
This is a great question and one I've asked myself often. I'm pretty new to this and while I'm beginning to understand detachment with love (instead of with anger or indifference which was the only way I could detach at first) it's still sometimes difficult for me to do. I hate that my A lies to me, when he's drinking I cannot trust him or count on him for anything and he is no company or comfort to me. I hate that too. I hate everything about this disease. If I had just met him recently there is NO WAY I would become involved with him. But we've been together for years and the drinking has just gotten out of control in the past 6 months. I love him and know he loves me. And when he can go for a while without drinking he is once again the man I fell in love with -kind, compassionate, generous, affectionate. So for me, for now, that's enough. I don't know if it always will be enough. He is not in recovery and if the time comes when he is that other person he turns into when drunk more often than the wonderful man he really is I don't know if I'll be able to live with that. But that's the future and I'm not going to try and predict it. I appreciate and enjoy the good times with my A when they happen. And I try to take care of me every day no matter what's going on with him. And part of taking care of me means I come here often for support and ESH.
I dont know if this even really addresses the detachment topic but its just something I wanted to add, in a meeting the other day we were talking about unconditional love. I was wondering are there conditions on my love for my A? Then the answer came to me, no there arent conditions on my loving him, but there are for conditions in order for me to be a presence in his life. The day may come when I cant stay here, but I will always love him.
All those qualities you value in a romantic relationship, I also value in a friendship. I always said that I loved my Tim and we were really good friends as well. I hated his disease. I was able to detach from the disease and yet still love my husband. I had an advantage that I knew him in college where he barely drank. He was a late blooming alocholic. Just because you detach doesn't mean that you stop loving the person. It takes practice.
To not love and not being able to give it in all sorts of forms for me would be just going through the motions of living. I don't want to go through the motions of life, I want to experience it. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, happy, sad and goofy. All that life has to offer. The alternative is not an option for me. You are quite capable of being loving and being loved. Every time you come here and post and respond you are showing us how much you care and love. We are all better off for it. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
For me detachment with love simply put...... is getting out of HP's way. I love that definition of detachment and I picked it up here on MIP. To me it says everything in just a few words.
I have always loved my AW, the hard part when I arrived in Al-Anon was separating the two, my wife from the disease. Like pineapple, I too love the good times and detach during the other times, while allowing myself to hate the disease.
Getting out of HP's way were simple words to say, but more was involved. To get out of HP's way I needed to turn my AW over to HP 100% and not take her back. I did that in Jan. 2009, and at this point I have not taken her from HP one time. What good did it do me to worry, or try to control a disease I had absolutely no control over. For me detaching and turning my AW over to HP 100% was much better and less painful than lowering my head and running head first into a brick wall as I had done for years.
There were times when it was hard to detach with love, more than I care to mention, but over time and with practice I made it a habit. When I practice detachment with love over and over and get the same results....thats a good thing, and I retain my serenity.
Detaching and geting out of HP's way is.........Taking care of yourself first ....... those five words were the first words I heard when I came into the program. Later I learned detaching with love is the great tool that allows us to do that.
