Nancy...hi...:)  thank you for your post.  I understand how your feeling and I think one of the greatest things about this program is that we can apply it to all aspects of our life.  I am powerless over alchol and many other things in life and I remember sharing similiar feelings with my sponsor one evening.  I was told "it sounds like your powerless over your feelings"..this certainly was the last thing I wanted to hear becasue I thought I always had at least control over myself...lol...anyhow...that was an accurate statement alright.  It was suggested that I do a step one , two , three....I am powerless over my feelings for **** and my life is unmanagble..etc...Nancy, i said this many many times thru out the day followed by step 2 and three...I am living proof it worked....logically I knew all the right things, emotionally was a whole different ballgame..but I did know that it was going to take a power greater than myself to cure me and these feelings I had...:)  I'll tell  you I will never underestimate the power of God, I tried for years to cure me of the feelings and I just couldnt do it, he did for me what I could not obviously do for myself :)  blessings Nancy

Hi Nancy,

I understand what you are asking, and in my opinion, its the same. I asked my exAH to leave, but he was already gone. Had been for years. He's been out of the house for three years, but "gone" for ten or more. I just didn't know, or maybe just didn't want to know. What I have come to realize is that what I "miss" and long for is a fantasy, what could, should and would be, if only.... If only he wasn't a alcoholic? Oh no, that is only a part. Truth is, its only if he were someone he is not, and I was different too. Bottom line, I don't like him and I don't respect him. He doesn't make me feel good. When I see him, unless there is something pertinent, I don't have a single word to say to him. All important factors in a relationship, and it could never work, but that doesn't stop the longing of marriage to the father of my children, and a "normal" family life, though it is getting much better.

I'm not divorced yet either. Close, but I have to do the final paperwork, and I have felt frozen. He will be taking some of my financial obligations. That makes me feel bad. Part of me still wants to take care of him. That is crazy. For me, it is about really letting go, and definitely only a power greater than myself will be able to do that. Also, I have to be willing, and I am not totally there yet.

The finality of divorce, I imagine, will feel like the knife in my heart will be pushed and turned, and the stabbing ache will be intolerable. But, I have heard from many who have gone before me, that it is the exact opposite. They say when it is finally done, the knife is pulled out, and with it comes a sense of relief, the ablility to breathe, and the opportunity for true healing to begin.

Good for you for looking for a new place to work. Its a step forward in the process of letting go. Go easy on yourself. It isn't easy to unhook. You had a life together, you have children. Keep working on you. One step at a time. You ".. have a good life" . How great is that! And, its only the beginning....

Blessings,

Lou

I can see that it can be worse when they leave, bc it is a blow to our ego.  When we leave, we are taking control.  When we are rejected, it hurts.

Think about what a dysfunctional relationship does - it gives us a lot of drama and chaos to focus on - anything to avoid us, right?  I was stuck in my mental bad habits and chaos and dysfunction were normal to me growing up acoa.  I had to face the fact that I was addicted to chaos and used ppl to avoid myself.

In my process, I had to use a lot of logic that I kept repeating to myself - I even made signs and stuck them up on my condo walls (in EVERY room) so I had reminders everwhere I went - to focus on ME & remind me of what I wanted to do - implement new behaviors.

Part of how I got focused on me and not him, was -- if I dont take care of me and love me first, who will?  If not now, when?  -- I knew no one was going to prioritize me and that it was my responsibility to do that for me.  I also worked on loving me first, as my own priority.

When I set & followed through on my boundaries it got easier bc I was getting self respect in the process. 

The sayings and acronyms really helped me and I clung to them.  One that I really love is -- rejection is God's protection.  That way I could see it as a positive thing, instead of being stuck in the why's.  The why's dont help u feel better or help u find solutions.  Focus on your solutions, not what is bringing you down. 
   What u focus on grows - manifests.  We create tomorrow by what we are doing today.  Focus on what u want to grow in your life.  I know from personal exp focusing on the pain, only brings you more pain.

I like how u wrote that u get upset when u see ur AH.  That is a clear indication for you, that when and if u see him, u wont feel good about you.  Once I began making choices on how I felt in the end - it got easier to stick to my boundaries and "boundary out" the people that were toxic &/or abusive for me. 

I also asked myself a question daily - what can I do to allow me to feel better today and then when I figured that out - no matter how mundane it may have been - I did it & when I felt better, I got better one day at a time.

You can do it and you're worth it.  Take care of YOU whatever that looks like.

Wow Nancy you have gotten some powerful support responses.  I'm convinced that
the womans support for your situation is much more appropriate than mine and I
am humbled.

I was the one who left both the addict I was first married to and the alcoholic after.
The addicted didn't want it to happen and didn't want to stop using and using me.
I made the decision and followed thru "for me".  I have never made a good victim
or martyr.  I become an animal when I feel trapped in those kinds of situations and
I reject situations and people who attempt to power and control me by any method.
It is my responsibility to work out my own life and others in my life are there by
invitation not design. 

I heard in a meeting years ago, "My life is God's gift to me.  What I do with it is my
gift to God."  Since I fully believe in not blaming others for how and what my life has
become it comes with that believe that again just for today I have this responsibility
to my life, my HP and my community Al-Anon and beyond.   "Happiness is an inside
job" also supports my belief and behavior.  It was given to me by an Alateen in
conference and she was soooo right.  "I am responsible". 

If I wait un-necessisarily for someone to make the decision and the action especially
if that person reveals a refusal or reluctance to be responsible I am consciously
putting my spirit into bondage.  I'm in the program to listen, learn and practice not
having that happen any longer as long as I am able to exercise my own choices and
abilities.  "Courage is fear that has said it's prayers" (from the ODAAT) is the best
sign post on my journey of recovery when I am weary in the face of problems but it
is a part of the solution. 

God on one hand...sponsor on the other...the entire family groups at my back and I
go thru, over or around the problem.  I get to the other side. 

You were not created (in my imagination) as the Siamese twin of your alcoholic.  You
are not attached at the hip.  You are a separate person; creation.

With love and aloha (((((hugs)))))

For me, it is hard to digest that while he is an Addict who struggles to maintain a home who has not only a disease but also all the physical ravages that go along with it and yet he rejects me. So...I feel your pain. That being said, I have come to believe that because we are not on the same level and do not share the same addiction in many ways I reflect back to him what he does not have in his life...meaning a job, a life, structure, etc. He feels comfortable only with people who reaffirm that he is okay with the life he is living. That may be true with your A as well so even though he may technically be the one leaving it may be not out of rejection of you, but because he recognizes that soon your asking him to leave is inevitable. Hugs and Support.

Nancy - I don't have experience in this arena as my aH is here.  I do have (((((hugs))))) for you and appreciate you bringing this up.

The ESH in this thread helps me to know that no matter where I go and what I do, there I am.  May you find peace in your journey and know that there's tons of hugs, support and strength here at MIP!