The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I will be attending my first al-anon meeting tomorrow night. I'm really looking forward to it.
Because I haven't been to a meeting yet, I don't know much about enabling, trying to control an alcoholic's drinking, codependency, etc.
I'm really freaking out and need some advice until I can get to a meeting.
My husband is an alcoholic. He has cut way back in his drinking from every night to once or twice a week and much smaller quantities. Recently he binged to a point of stinking drunk. I talked to him about it again and asked him to stop. He has. At least as far as I know. He's not drinking at home and he's home every night and he gets home from work around his usual time.
I've done a lot of research and am aware that many people hide drinking. I've also heard that eating peanut butter will cover up alcohol breath and I even tested it and found it to be true!!
My worry is that he could be hiding it and I may never know about it. I'm so scared to believe that he really quit and find out someday that he hasn't. Since alchol is a progressive disease, I worry that if he is hiding it that he'd manage to hide it until he's really messed up. I will file divorce if he's drinking but how will I know?
Do any of you have experience to know if an alcholic is still drinking? My husband has a high tolerance so I couldn't tell by stumbling or slurring. It just seems so strange to me that he could just stop with no side effects that my paranoid mind starts thinkign he may be drinking at lunch or he may be just having one a night before he comes home or whatever....
Aloha Moemoe...In Al-Anon we don't give advise. We only honestly can suggest what has worked for us after it has worked for others and passed on.
The first part of the first step that you will hear in your first meeting is "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol (ic) (ism)...
That is the universal truth you can't control the disease and have never been able to only you haven't heard that from enough people yet who have tried and failed at it also...me being one of those members.
The disease has your full attention at the moment...in a sense it owns you and you are hooked into it. All kinds of stuff are happening at the same time on different levels (mind, body, spirit and emotions) and the very very best place to be is at that meeting where the people, experience, strength and hope and literature and support are. You will hear your story told by others and you will know we know and understand.
In the mean time as best as you can come here and focus on the posts from today and yesterday and the days before that and read with an open mind without trying to "figure it out" just information. Get as much as you can here and get your mind off of the smell of peanut butter (in 31 years I've not ever heard that statement LOL) or staggering or slurred speech or how much or how often or anything about "the problem" I know that sounds so impossible and it did for me when I first got here and it was then, so impossible however what I needed was whatever bit of change and peace I could find because alcoholism takes every bit of peace it can feed off of. I has taken yours and your husbands and probably dozens of others who are associated with you and your husband. Stop for now. Stay here and read. Go to your meeting when it comes up.
I went to my first f2f meeting a little over a year ago. I didn't know what to expect. I was nervous and had no idea what it would be like. I found the people to be warm, friendly and welcoming. In a short time I felt comfortable and part of the group. There is magic in the rooms.
I dunno about the pb. I don't think it would've helped any of the alcoholics in my life. ;)
Before I got into the program, I felt absolutely insane at particular points in my life. My life became more and more consumed with "dealing with" my alcoholic ex husband - praying for him to get home from work in one piece without getting in an accident or getting arrested, finding lawyers to get him out of whatever new stuff he got himself into, picking him up from bars and clubs, calling him all night long and hoping he'd answer his phone so I would know where he was, sitting on the stairs by the front door all night waiting for him to come home, fighting with him when he told me I was nagging, etc. It was all completely insane - and the worst part is that it had just become the norm for me. I didn't KNOW it was insane. I knew I was tired, but nothing made any sense anymore. I couldn't focus on my job or my child or myself. When people asked me how i was doing, I'd tell them how my ex husband was doing.
Being here really gave me the opportunity to have my life - not have it back, because as long as I can remember, I gave it away to other people. Sometimes I still do, more than I should. But life is so much easier with the program and fellowship. I hope you will keep coming back!
PB may momentarily quell the smell of alcohol on your breath, which is not the most horrible smell in the world, but it will never get rid of the horrible stench that seeps out of every pore for the really stinking drunk. My husband used to smell up the whole house, he would be passed out drunk in the back room and people would come over and tell me I needed to take out the garbage because something was rotting in there and smelled really bad. They weren't trying to be funny. It smells so bad that it has woken me up out of a sound sleep with naseua.
My husband tried everything to cover up the smell and could not. I asked my doctor about it and he said it is the smell of the by products of alcohol metabolism. He said it comes out of your lungs, skin, mouth, and everywhere. It is like if you eat a lot of garlic, no amount of mouthwash can mask it if you eat enough. So, if PB is doing the trick, he must not have drank that much.
As far as him having a high tolerance, my husband had a very high tolerance, but I could always tell when he was drunk. He didn't slur his speech or stumble, but his eyes looked glazed, he talked more than usual, was silly, and smelled strange.
My husband was an extremely hard drinker, most days he drank more than a gallon of high alcohol content malt liqour (10% proof) he bought at a ghetto store. That is a LOT of alcohol in one day. And I am not exagerrating, I added up the ounces before alanon, LOL.
He stopped cold turkey, I am sure he felt ill but I never noticed anything amiss. He kept it to himself. If your husband says he stopped drinking, he probably did, don't just assume he is lying.
Just some ESH...what is he doing answering to you in the first place? When I finally learned from alanon to butt out of my husband's drinking, he finally got sober on his own, after fifteen years. I stopped asking him about it, it became the elephant in the room no one talked about...because it was none of my business what he did with his body. As he used to tell me "It is NOT illegal to drink as much as you want in your own home, it may kill me one day, but I will go happy and it is MY RIGHT to go that way". He is right...
The only thing you can decide is if you are going to be a spectator...and he may just quit like mine did.
My husband had a few false starts and stops at first, for about a year, then he quit for good and is now over a year sober.
One way to enable is focusing on their behavior - it feeds the disease and makes you lose sight of you. Focus on YOU and u wont be enalbing him anymore.
Welcome to alanon.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
