The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So...The A's Sister in Law told me last night that his roommate is apparently an active addict per the A and that the roommate is bringing two girls down to visit this weekend. Anyway, the assumption was made that my A is also using again, etc. I don't know as I have not spoke to him since Sat since his tatoo text. Anyway, today I was thinking of calling the rep from the rehab who I spoke to for the A to go there, but I resisted. I just can't imagine such a rehab that people come and go and use, etc as they please- but apparently this set up is more like a halfway house. So....I detach right? Mind my own business???
If he is using, they will figure it out. They've been in this business long enough to see the signs. Let his HP take care of him and your HP take care of you. That's all you can do at the moment.
Remember your boundaries and keep them inforcable. Family and friends especially using and drinking friends can and will bring stuff with them from my experience. While he is gone set up your program of Al-Anon. ((((hugs))))
Who is paying for the rehab? You or the tax payers? In either case, I look at this as money wasted, and I'd spill the beans. Yes, they will likely find out for themselves, but I think the sooner they do, the better.
I know my opinion differs from everyone else's, but it's mine.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You have some third hand information that indicates that he "might" be using....
Yep, I think it is a great exercise for you to practice detachment.... Any Rehab worth their weight will figure it out if he is using - it's not yours to deal with....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
They will figure it out...do you think he is the first person who tried to get high in rehab...don't think so...I also agree with Diva....I would tell.....
I recently had an issue and wasn't sure what to do. Wise folks here and at F2F meetings told me to 'examine my motives'....this may (or may not) help you find an answer.
My son has been in an assortment of treatment centers. I know that he was using in one of them, but did not know during his stay. He talked about it at the next center, thus my awareness.
I did pass along the information to the center, with the hopes that they might change their processes for future residents. My son chose to use - he owns it, and I couldn't change that at all. But, I felt the center needed to know - and then they could decide whether a change was necessary.
Recently, when I was asked to examine my motives, they were more about controlling than solutions. I therefore then deployed the 'when in doubt, don't'. I had two strategies telling me NOT to react.
This of course applies to my situation. The center my son is in now kicks folks out for use. It's a non-lock-down facility, and folks may walk at any time (first for him). If I knew he was using, I would share - with the hopes they would boot him out and make room for another who wants recovery.
May sound cold, but leading a horse to water (many times) doesn't mean they'll drink. So sad but so true for us affected by this disease.
(((((Hugs to ya)))))...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
One of the many things that happens when I take control is that I interrupt the process between HP and others. I can't tell how many times I have done that in the past however my life got better when I stopped. Me first? God and others last. That doesn't work for me today or ever.
((((Hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 4th of February 2010 04:09:16 PM
My sponsor always tells me.... they have a right to go as far down the scale as they need to go.
If you examine the motive for ratting someone out, I know for me, it would most likely be, to get them to STOP. Do any of us really have that kind of power? Simply put, I am not god. Sometimes my anger makes me feel very powerful, but my experience proves, it's just an illusion.
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol....
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
My first reaction would be to call the centre. Why not? What would be my motive to NOT call...hoping to win back the A's love and trust? Hoping to look like the saint or the martyr? Doesn't even matter who I heard it from or how common it is to happen. If the information got to me, I assume it is for a good reason. I would use it, do the footwork and then let go and let God take care of the rest.
It is not a lock down. It is a come as you want facility- no forced meetings. It is in South Florida. I found it online. I didn't know all the details. The counselor online sold it as specializing in opiates, etc. However, I am not paying for it. I think you get the level you pay for. So...his mother had to finance it which might be why he is in the lower spectrum of treatment I don't know. Anyway, they have a 10pm curfew and take a breath test- but alcohol is not his thing. I do think if he is consistently using they will find out. I guess I am just sad that he went for treatment in an environment that was not with enough control maybe to give him a good chance and feel sort of responsible since I found the place and "sold" the family on the idea of not only rehab, but this particular place. I guess I just wish he had the "best" circumstances to discover sobriety. I sorta want to call the salesman because I feel jipped on the facility. I'm not sure what kind of program they are working that doesn't require accountability,etc. But, I haven't talked to him in a week so how can I say and I don't want to start getting needy and calling around and asking. He has been there 21 days today. My calling is not going to help him now as far as I can tell. I guess I sort of want to confront him, but would that help to ease my guilt? I think that's it....at the heart of it...I feel guilty for picking out the place...I feel guilty that he is using there without enough controls in the place to prevent it. I feel guilty that his mom spent money on a rehab that may not really be a rehab. I feel guilty that he may not be getting a good shot at sobriety. Thanks for letting me share.
I'm sure there are people who practice their addictions at times in every rehab on earth. After all, that's what addicts do. The rehabs can remove obvious temptations and surround them with support towards recovery, but they can't control their every move. Not even prisons can do that, and prisons are much more of a lock-down than rehabs. The addict also has to make the decision to do their best. In other words, recovery has to come from inside as much as from outside. So I don't know whether this is a crummy rehab facility or a great one. But it sounds as if he may not have made the turn-around in his mind, and no rehab on earth can help him if he hasn't gotten tired enough of life under addiction. Remember, you can't control it ... rehab can't control it ... he is the only one who can control it. But we keep trying to control it, don't we? That's what the first step is all about. It's a measure of our pain, not our powers.
How much shorter and simpler this discussion would be or have been if you had gone with your first solution...mind your own business. That is what Al-Anon suggests and practices...MIP though is not Al-Anon.
In Al-Anon we have relapses just like in AA. In both programs there is the suggestion if you're gonna go back out...go all the way back out until the insanity drives you back in.
If what you've done in the past trying to control and manipulate the alcoholic hasn't worked...keep doing it until you're convinced another time. We get to feel the insanity without the anesthesia of drugs and alcohol. For those that suggest you call and mix it up consider that if and when you do and it doesn't get to come out your way they don't get to suffer any guilt, embarrasment, shame, anger, confusion or all the other hundreds of negative consequences you get to earn that one all by yourself. Could you be wrong about what is happening? Have you been wrong in the past? What do you get out of getting him? What's the payoff? Trying to to be right or trying to be happy? I'd rather be happy. For me I'd be happiest staying out of the way of the alcoholics choices.
Everyone handles their own situations and circumstances differently. For me, when in doubt .....I don't react. I have found out over time..... the hard way I might add..... when I stuck my nose in a bee hive I always got stung. In Al-Anon I have found it is much better to let something that is none of my business take it's own course, without any interfrence for me.
I have a saying I repeat to myself when these situations come up, and it works for me....If it is none of your business RLC,..... then it is none of your business. If I have to justify my motive,..... I now realize my motive is most likely not justifiable. If the answer is not in front of me at the time I try to turn it over to HP..........then get out of his way. That way it is not my problem anymore....but then again.....It never was.
RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 5th of February 2010 05:20:57 PM
A topic of a good meeting I went to recently was "If you're not part of the problem, you're not part of the solution." I think that's a good motto. If there's a problem out there that is not mine, it is not my business to get involved in solving it. To me, making a call about someone else's behavior in rehab falls into this category. It's the other person's behavior to own, and the other person's recovery is not my business.
