The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We found out today that my AH will be having his driver's license suspended for 3 years because of his DUI. There's a chance that he can get a special license in 90 days to drive himself to/from work, but he will have an ignition lock device on his vehicle for the 3 years plus 2 years after he gets his license back. So for 5 years, he has to breathe into a machine to start his car. He also has to be monitored for 5 years (AA meetings, therapy sessions, alcohol testing) through his job.
I guess the driver's license thing just threw me over the edge today. Our son will be 9 years old before all of the reprocutions of his actions come to an end (that's if he doesn't screw up). Our son is 4 now and I can not even imagine him as a 9-year old, so this seems like a long time to me.
I've also been thinking about all the fines and fees associated with his actions and that's making me mad too.
Today, I told my mom that I feel like jumping off this sinking ship. And she said to me "if you want to leave, I've got your back." She has NEVER given me any kind of advice in the past 4 years since we've been dealing with my husband's drinking problem. She's always listened to me and understood as I complained, but she never told me what to do. She put in 5 years in Al-Anon, so I guess she knew it would do no good to tell me what to do. But after her comment today, I know full well what she thinks I should do.
I know I need to take things one day at a time. And I know I shouldn't project about our financial problems, but it's hard not to. The scary thing is that, us getting through all this, depends on an alcoholic not drinking (at least for the next 5 years).
I honestly don't know how I can handle this - waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I use to go tantrum (on purpose) under those conditions. Remember how? Its good that you want to stay away from projecting or fortune telling. Our program suggest living just in the moment and on a longer scale the day. By the way AA is a one day at a time program also. To some degree Mom's always have our backs but I learned my Mom had boundaries...I just couldn't get away with anything. She wasn't ready ever to co-sign my crazies and I have had those a lot more than just once.
Go tantrum and when done...straighten up and put a smile on your face set a date to go talk with your HP.
It is amazing that when some alcoholics come face to face with the whole community telling them to S T O P!! the disease just keeps rolling on. Sick, sad, crazy.
My AH went through the ignition-device thing. I'm not disputing that this whole thing is major, but that means that he will be able to drive if he can get the car to start, right? So his license isn't removed for five years; he's just on probation.
I liked that they required it of my AH. I liked that there was somebody besides me saying that his drinking was beyond reasonable proportions. Not that it seemed to get through to him. The thing is, once they start the car, they can start drinking, as long as they don't turn the car off before they get back home. You can imagine.
But remember that you have choices. If you don't want to stay around for all this, you do have the choice to leave. And if you stay, remember that it's a choice you're making. You can change your mind at any time, and if you don't change your mind, it's not because you can't, if you follow me.
This is taking life on life's terms. Try not to project. It always got me into serious trouble. It's hard to stay in the present, but for me that's how I got through it. It is what it is right now, nothing you can do about it. So try and take a deep breath, step away from it for a while and see where you are. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
License suspended for three years, with the possibility of a "drive-to-work" permit after 90 days? Have I got that right?
Of course, you have every right to be angry. He will be of no help to you for at least three years as concerns anything that requires driving. Bummer!!! Anyone who attempts to deny you your righteous anger is foolish. But......all you can do is cope, so try to put this in perspective. You certainly do not want him driving you or your precious child while he's drunk, and this is a sure way to see that does not happen.
I wish you all good things,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
The way I dealt with the issue of whether to jump off the sinking ship was to make a plan be. Making it stopped me from being so angry at him and focusing on him and his actions rather than my choices. I did not like my choices but at least I was looking at them rather than submerged in rage at him.
"Any advice on taking it one day at a time?"-N8smom
I had major problems getting into right now - today. I couldtn do, I was obsessed with the projecting into the future and imagining the worst and in the past, bring ing up all of my old war wounds and making sure I was feeling them still. It was a habitual way of thinking, I'd developed. I did read a certain book that helped me, in fact I had to read it twice but when i did, it began to sink in and that helped me - along with new behavior (think it is called cognitive behavior therapy - when u replace old patterned behavior with new, healthier behavior - I did it on my own thru alanon). When u notice ur old behavior - bring your awarenss to YOU. When u realize u arent focused on you and thinking on him - bring it back to you and keep practising this.
Perhaps the book that helped me get into now will help u also - its cd: The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle. They also have the book in an audio format but for me, I get more out of it when I can see the words, read it in my own voice outloud (so my right hemishpere hears it too - it really works!) and so I can underline passages.
After living in the now for a few years here, I can easily say it is waaaay better. I was missing out on life b4 - always focused in future or past - I was missing the good moments of my life and I wasnt equipped to handle my problems obsessing like that either. The truth is - the right now - is reality and it is where we can make a difference in life. It gives us more choices & allows us to be open the unlimited possibilities God has to offer us - so I do feel like it helped me stop controlling and playing god, and let me get busy in my own life - right now/today.
It is also where I detach to - me, in the here and now.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I can surely understand your anger and frustration!! I am new to this program too and am taking baby steps at "detachment". It is tough to detach when I have been married to the same guy for over 30 years! The only reason my AH didn't get DUI's is I was driving him! You have to make your own choices because you are the only one who has to live with them... stay or go; it is one of the hardest questions I have ever asked myself! I am still pondering... good luck to you.
