The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im just looking for some reality from those of you who left the true love of your life because of the hurt and mistrust of active drug/alcohol addiction. How long before you didnt feel so attatched? How long before you felt like you werent in love anymore? Whats the process like? I know I have to move on but I cant stop thinking about her even though its been 5 months and Ive been seeing someone who I like and so has she. Is it unhealthy to think about maybe a years or so down the road getting back even though the hurt and mistrrust would still be so great that it would be crazy. Not that I even think its realistic but I seem to have this unrealistic vision.
It is amazing how things happen and how one finds oneself sharing at such deep levels.
Yes I have and it took me years to leave the love of my life behind. It took the same length of time to stop loving in the same way, especially as he remarried not twelve months after our divorce.
It broke me, and it took strength, courage, hard work, FAITH, TRUST and years of working through it all but then I had been married to him for almost twenty years and I had known him ALL my life (our families were very close, so I lost family too, close family and a surrogate mother and father too that I thought the world of, and the support of my own parents and family too so I was the one that was solely alone for the first time in my life; not easy when you are born a twin - being on my own did not seem natural to me.)
If you want to know a little of my story read my response to "Am I expecting too much?" by montrose.
It is not the same for everyone, each of us has to work through our own depth of emotion, torment and disappointment and grief in our own time, but I can truly say YES I have left the love of my life and I have struggled to find a life after that too.
The denial, the deception, the physical abuse, the loss of the man I married to drink torn me apart...I am still in love with that man...the one I married all those years ago and made vows for life...but I am not in love with the person that man became. And in truth when he found someone else so soon after our divorce I realised he was no longer that boy/man I had known and come to love. He had chosen life with someone else and he had no love for me. He had only a love of self through the poisoning of his self through alcohol abuse.
Now I am content though still very sad that my love disappeared into a bottle of vodka, and I do still grieve from time to time. Rather he had died and I could truly let go and bury him, than have him still living his life with another. This is the living hell of my situation IF I do not follow my programme and LET GO LET GOD. I loved him enough to let go of him and walk away holding myself together...just (at the time).
The good thing is, I now know myself and I realise I have worth and I do have a life to LIVE and I try to live it everyday with compassion, patience, peace and forgiveness for these are the positive attitudes that helps one heal and move on. And I have enough love to pray that he is happy, content and living a decent and honourable life now after so many years of abuse after his second marriage. And I pray that they are at peace with one another too and he is in his heart for he knows he did the children and me wrong and hurt us deeply.
Living with hope, and developing an attitude of love and forgiveness brought me to were I am now. Practicing to let go and let god was the way forward for me. For me living the serenity prayer and listening to the words as I recited them and then acting upon them one day at a time truly got me through the mire.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. (Here is real POWER and TRUST.)
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
am just in the process of doing exactly that....its a tough call but at some point i had to decide. i realised that my life would be so much more fulfilling if i were not dealing with AH's illness. putting myself first does not come naturally to me....but i am learning and so will you! (((hugs))))
Ugh...been there and done that somewhat that way also...oh how crazy!! First things first always helps me to stop, look and listen before going to the next step. Your post reminded me of an early metaphor for my addictive, compulsive need to be needed. It was simple, "switching drinks thinking the drunk would be different". I also had to deal with a sponsor question...so is it love or addiction? Crazy question deserved a crazy response...It's addiction. Her addiction was drinking and mine was being needed and needy. I had to finally say no to all relationships for up to two years before I understood what a relationship withdrawal was and how to go thru one. "Don't try this alone..." is only one caveat so I did it with a sponsor and others in the program. Have I ever gotten over my past relationships...not as long as I have a memory and can still feel. I can choose my feelings so I go for the celebrations in past relationships. The old resentments...don't wanna do that stuff anymore. Its not healthy.
I'm three years out and just beginning to get my bearings. I don't think there is a timetable for everyone. Some of us take a long long time to get to a place of feeling okay about it. Some people never do. Some people bounce back very quickly.
I do know from day one I left him there was an enormous sense of relief. Relief wasn't everything though.
It is heartbreaking to walk away from someone and the life that we thought was going to be our "Happily Ever After" or our "Dream Come True"
I lost that too and all the other things that went along with it - the home of my dreams, some family, etc. but as far as the love of my life - I found another -
ME
I discovered a healthy, beautiful ME on the inside - that is learning to embrace life and life Happy, Joyous and Free.
It's not always easy - but it is worth it and sweetie - YOU ARE WORTH IT!
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity) Rita
-- Edited by Rita G on Thursday 4th of February 2010 09:42:50 AM
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hard to say for sure. I was sure my ex husb (the a) was the love of my life and now when I'm around him I wonder how I ever lived with him. I met someone new, I was sure he was the love of my life but he turned his back on me and walked away. I am in a place now where I'm wondering if the next one will be the love of my life or if the last one was really it? I still believe the last one will always have my heart, before him no one had captivated me like that and the feeling I had for him is what I compare all others to. On the other hand, it helps me to say I love them so dearly but they are no good for me and I have to let them go on their way. Being with my ex husb was destroying me. So, I guess that's probably not helpful but time does soften the wounds and hopefully heal them completely at some point. I focus on me now, I am trying to learn how to not be so attached to another person, it's hard, it's my nature to do the opposite.