The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Things are slightly improving on the home front. I am still going with the marriage option and I am reconciled with that decision. I can't see the future but I hope it improves the situation for everyone. Only time will tell.
I have decided to start getting the focus back on me doing what I need to be doing such as school and taking care of myself. I am going back to the gym regularly, I had been slacking. It really does help my mental state and I feel better about myself when I go, not to mention the stress relief. I feel like I have no time for anything. I am constantly running. I have decided that I am not capable of maintaining a two story town house by myself, the upstairs is always a disaster, the kids don't go to bed on time and I have less ability to supervise this way. I thought when I got into this place it would be wonderful because it is a great community and so much bigger but bigger has not really turned out to be better. As much as I hate moving, I hate this even more and need to be able to implement some structure. I have about 3 hours when I get home to see the kids, clean, go to the gym, cook dinner and do any homework with them and it's just not working for me. The kids are not helpful and refuse to clean so I am going on a huge PURGE and getting rid of tons of stuff starting ASAP so that I can move in the summer. I feel like I'm making more work for myself by having too much STUFF. When daughter goes, a good amount of stuff will go with her, she is a huge pack rat. The other two are not as obsessed with material possessions. They let go of things easily. So, my plan is to minimize and move to a smaller more affordable place. In addition to working and going to school every other weekend.
I wish I could get rid of my neediness and the desire to have the love of a man. If I could have one wish.... I feel like I have been battling this my entire life and I wish that I could master this problem. I know in my head I don't have time for a man, I don't have my life in order enough to attract one that I would want to keep in my life, I just can't seem to find an equitable solution for myself in that arena. I can't let go of the fairy tale illusion that there is a perfect match for me out there but on the other hand I feel like that old saying of would I really want to date someone who would date me at this point and with the way things are in my life and my home.
I have been spending a lot of time in my head and body lately and not so much in la la land.
On the work front, there have been huge budget cuts and it has been madness for the past few weeks. I don't have the usual free time to do other things that I need to take care of while at work. So hectic hectic hectic and so many things swirling around in my head all the time lately.
Funny thing is I always thought that the hardest part was when they were little and that my life would get easier as I got older and in fact the opposite has been true.
I know it is tough going for you now and I am sorry for that. I think simplifying your life is such a great idea. I don't have young children but my hubby is such a pack rat. Every time I turn around he is bringing something else into the house or the garage. When I have bags for Goodwill he wants to look through them to make sure nothing of his is in there. When we were still using a VHS he would make copies of every movie we watched so he could have a collection and now he does the same thing with DVDs. It drives me absolutely crazy. My basement could be a nice tv room but he has so much junk that it is out of the question. He is not going to change so as Jerry F would say "What am I going to do?" Sometimes I wish I could just have my own little home to myself, fix it the way I like and only have things that I bring in for it.
Has anyone ever stayed married and lived separately from their spouse...just asking?
For me personally rather than go into the long list of what I can't do, like get a better place to live, earn more, have a better social life, have support that I could cherish.... I have to focus daily on what I have, better health, better outlook, some opportunities and more. I have to stay in what I have rather than go on and on about what I don't. I have to stay in what I can manage to do rather than the whole long list of "shoulds". I also have to let go of the notion that I'll meet the right man next week or even next month. I let it go rather than hold my breath about it. I know when I'm looking for the "right" man people like the ex A show up. I'm very proud of the fact I let go of certain people really really fast when I dated them. For me with my needs and concerns that is so so huge.
Sometimes for me simplifying my life is about getting down to being nice to myself rather than shoulding on myself day in and day out.
I had to do a massive clearout this winter as it was part of the unmanageability in my life. I took digital photographs of all the crap and according as I got things done, photographed areas, it provided terrific motivation. I also got onto a site recommended by a member on this board called shiny sinks and made a start there. It had loads of tips, and I ran around the house collecting 25 items in ten minutes etc, it was crazy but fun. I emptied 27 boxes of crap, dumped 15 massive bags, sorted, filed, really improved things,now I'm not done yet but it feels so much better.
(((((Hugs))))) to ya CG as you work on you and that which you can change! Keep us updated - still got ya'll in my prayers!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
