The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
After I do that...then what? I have been spending a lot of time alone just thinking about what I want for the rest of my life. Can you accept that you cannot change something but not accept that it cannot be changed? I don't even know if that sounds right.
I can accept that I cannot change certain things but I don't know if I can live with those things not changing. Does that make sense? Let's just say that there is a certain way I want my life to go and things that I need in my life to make me happy but in staying in certain situations (because I cannot change them) will not allow me to have my own needs met.
Please share you esh with me...(if you can even understand what I am trying to convey)
Im sure I dont know what you mean. I am invisioning a situation where you feel morally obligated to someone in which lets say for instance moving to Europe would change your situation but you couldnt live with it. All situations can be changed if only in the way you pereceive them in your mind. I doubt thats the only way to change your unchangeable situation but its a start. Time has a way of changing things too. Maybe you would like to share more but if not maybe you can find a way to change your perception and therefore be able to live with whatever it is for now. Or I could be way way off. Thanks for making me imagine stuff either way.
I'm not sure if how I read this is what you're trying to convey but what I got from your post is you can accept that you can't change your A, but in accepting that you've realized that staying with your A will not allow you to have the life you want for yourself so now you're dealing with possibly wanting to leave?
If I'm close, I know exactly what you mean. I love my Abf, truly care for him and I want to see him succeed in life. I want him to get back to his meetings and work his program and steps like he was when we met. He's a good man with a horrific illness. I am learning that I can't change, control or cure him. Acceptance. but am I willing to live the rest of my life with the threat of this illness rearing it's ugly head at any time and possibly throwing MY life into turmoil? Not so sure anymore. So though I truly want him to have a good life, I don't know if being with him would be a good life for me. A month ago I would have berated myself for being so selfish but in coming to al anon I'm learning that it's not selfish to take care of yourself and your needs. This is a great website full of understanding people. I felt SO alone and guilty all the time and now I realize there is a ton of support out there. I hope you keep coming back here and find peace for yourself.
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I hear you. I have often said and truly believe the power of the serenity prayer.
GOD grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I believe that when I truly accepted the things I could not change - God granted me the Courage to change the things I could and the wisdom to know the difference.
I think that when I surrendered I could see different options for my life and was given the courage to attempt them. I must say they were not the options I would have chosen or wanted but again I had turned my will and life over to HP so I needed to keep an open mind as to the directon my life was to take.
I needed to remember that alanon states that "Changed attitudes can aid recovery" I worked very hard in changing my atttitudes. Gratitude lists, reading, mediations, living odat. The process is slow sometimes painfully slow but worth it. Without alanon I do not think I could have survived.
I think.... you are discovering the depth and power of the Serenity Prayer.... At times, I think it's easy to read into it's words that I "can't change" or "can't stay" or "can't leave", etc., but nothing could be further from the truth....
The reality is there are some things we cannot change (grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change) - i.e. other people - I can't cause my A's sobriety, drunkeness, happiness, sadness, etc - so it is fruitless to try....
Our self-care reminds us that there are some things we CAN change (to change the things I can) - i.e. ourselves, our perspectives, and many times, the people we choose to include in our lives, etc....
And, with some recovery under our belts, we gain an understanding of exactly what we can and what/who we cannot change (the wisdom to know the difference) - i.e. Al-Anon never "shoulds" us, in my opinion..... it just provides us gentle reminders, of what is more likely to work, and what will not.... Quick show of hands - how many out there reading this tried to ignore all of the great advice/books/program and tried desperately to CHANGE our A's?? Yep, thought so - me too!! :) - With time and experience, we stop beating our heads against that emotional wall, and expend energy to activities and behaviors that will benefit us and our well-being, and reduce/eliminate the useless efforts of trying to change others....
I loved this post.... Nowhere does it say we "should" stay, or go, or stand on one leg, or whatever.... If we can focus our active minds/bodies/spirits on activities that will contribute to our self-care, well-being, and serenity - we start the long (but rewarding) process of getting better!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
"....I can accept that I cannot change certain things but I don't know if I can live with those things not changing......"
Tom is so right and, in my opinion it is the NEXT step that leads us into recovery.
You say you can accept that you cannot change certain things. I guess by that you mean you accept that you cannot change your A, (and by the way, no more than he could or should expect to change you).
BUT, and I use BUT rather than however because the next thing is asking for...
....the courage to change the things I can....
That means I take the courage to change the things I can - ME - my attitudes, my opinions, my thoughts about living with the things I cannot change and focussing on ONLY the THINGS I CAN [change].
That means that you may have to change your living arrangements, your relationship arrangements, your life style, your boundaries, what you consider acceptable and what is NOT acceptable to you, amonst other things, and that requires COURAGE.
It is that next part of the prayer that makes way for the changes that are the changes I CAN MAKE, and not the changes I THINK THAT SOMEONE ELSE NEEDS TO make.
Once I have the COURAGE to change the things I can, I move forward.
And I move forward KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE, through wisdom.
The wisdom comes once one stops expecting someone else to change. The wisdom comes when we KNOW the difference in that way of thinking.
IT is the absence of COULD and SHOULD that gives us the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Once one has realised that nothing changes until something changes NOTHING CHANGES, and it is in our own stubbornness not to change something in ourselves and not to accept the things I cannot change that the stumbling block stops us from stepping into holistic recovery and a better life, because in the beginning it costs US, and it involves US in making some change in ourselves, or in our way of thinking.
You will never know if you can live with the things you cannot change and hence your dilemma about " ...but I don't know if I can live with those things not changing......"...until you accept that YOU need to change something in you. Your thinking and your acceptance and the realization that YOU are the one who can change how you think about what you can or cannot live with.
It is a challenge and a scary one at that at times...but I would ask myself...CAN I CONTINUE TO LIVE WITH NO CHANGES BEING MADE AT ALL and therefore continue as I am living now.
As Tom says, no SHOULD in there...it's all about acceptance, courage wisdom and the difference and it is centered all on ME, as in YOU. "...accept the things I cannot change, the courage [for ME] to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference.
So much power is so few words, but the truth is there to grasp and live by.
With love, Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
((((((gail))))) - thanks so much for this topic and for everyone who posted some GREAT ESH!!! I don't have anything to add, but learned so much from the reading. I'm going to mentally mark this post for re-reading because the Serenity Prayer is something so important to me, and yet so elusive too!
I don't even know if that sounds right.
