The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well here i am looking for help on the internet ...i dont even know if why i am here is worthing complaining about..i have read other post and mine seems so petty compared to others. i met a man 5 years ago who is 11 years older than i am i fell in love with him at his worst. He drank alot and did drugs well that all ended after a few months of him lying and cheating and breaking my heart now 5 years later i was reunited with him and the feelings of love i felt back then i felt in a instant. we have been together for a couple of months now -he has been clean for a year now and goes to AA. He does seem like a changed man in every way a better man but he is so negative sometimes and pushes me away and when i am in tears and he comes to his senses does he apoligize and try to make things better between us. i guess what i want to know is what should i do i love him and dont want to give up on him. we are great together when he is not stressed or if someone or something doesnt trigger him.. he tells me that i should talk to someone so here i am on this site looking for god knows what... advice?
I can relate alot to your post. I'm fairly new here as well, I'm learning I can't cure or control my Abf.
Your statement about getting along great as long as he is not stressed or someone or something doesn't trigger him...you might as well be talking about me. And pushing you away when you're crying and being so very negative. If you don't mind me asking, is he actively participating in AA? and by actively I mean meetings at least 5 times a week? I'm told at one year sober that's what the A should be doing to keep themselves "on track". the stress they feel they are supposed to take to a meeting and leave it there where there are plenty of supporters.
My Abf has been "dry" for 8 years, what I'm learning is not drinking does not necessarily mean "sober". My bf can be very affectionate and loving, my best friend, makes me laugh, makes it all worth waking up for. My bf can be very mean and condescending, my worst enemy, makes me cry, makes want to sleep all day to escape him. I'm in love with Jekyl & Hyde, he doesn't work his program anymore and his meeting attendance is sporadic at best. But when we first met he was very into AA, his steps, his program and he was a great guy. Got me to fall in love with him anyway. he let stress get the best of him and here we are.
I am learning dettachment now, it's going to be my salvation I believe. and I have to decide, for ME if the relationship is worth it. you need to take care of YOU! their disease is awful. It makes them selfish, narcassistic jerks. I don't know if I've been any help to you, just your post really jumped at me. how it's all good as long as HE is not stressed, HE is happy, HE is not triggered....what about you hon? I sound just like you and I'm learning from the incredible ppl here that it CAN be about ME too!! when he gets like that I need to detatch and take care of me. I hope you will do the same. Good luck to you!!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
I can relate to your post, too. Just before I got to Alanon, I was talking to a therapist about my marriage to my exAH ending. She asked me to journal and I did. In time, I noticed that nothing I wrote in the journal was about me. It was all about him - how angry he was at me, how his drinking was out of control, how much he blamed me, etc. There was very little about how I felt. I eventually realized that I didn't KNOW what I thought - I only knew what he thought and felt, and reacted to those thoughts and feelings as if they were my own. If he was angry at me, I felt small and scared, and wanted to take steps immediately to make him less angry. If he was happy, I felt relieved. I don't think I had feelings of my own.
The reason I said I could relate to your post is because you seem to have written a lot about your bf and where he's at, and not much about yourself. I want to get to know YOU! Have you been to any Alanon face to face meetings?
I came to Alanon looking for advice in the beginning - wanted to know whether to stay or leave my exAH (since he's my ex, you can guess that I left - lol). I didn't get any advice, and I was really confused after my first experience. People were talking about how much the program helped them, and I didn't understand how. People were talking about not allowing someone else to dictate their feelings, detaching with love, taking it one day at a time, and setting boundaries. I just knew that wasn't what i needed. I needed advice about whether to stay or go.
At the point I first went to Alanon, I got frustrated and didn't come back for a year because I just didn't understand what to do. I wish I'd kept coming back in the beginning, but it's okay because I'm here now. All this is just to say that the program works!! Please keep coming back, even if you're initially confused or don't understand something. Ask questions, someone here has wondered the same things before you and will be happy to share their experience, strength, and hope.
Well I would suggest u find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself , as no one can be UP and happy all the time moods are a fact of life and learning that u dont have to depend on somone elses mood to be happy is a gift . Having a program of your own for me is the best way to be supportive of our alcoholics efforts at sobriety , learning to take responsibiltiy for my own happiness is a big relief for myself and my partner if I wait for anyone else to tel lme that I'm ok ay i am in big trouble . His problems are his they are not yours to fix , you don'thave to take them on - If I didnt cause the problem I walk away its not mine to fix. if your going to have a relationship with an alcoholic u need support from people who understand where your at and how your feeling . this is called alcoholism not alcoholwasm ,it doesnt go away , it can be arrested but never cured . you need support he has found his in AA
Aloha GMB...White Rabbit pretty much said it clearly and then arrived at the solution. What saved my butt and then my life including sanity and other things in between was the Al-Anon Family Groups. Same language as AA but a different focus. I also pointed toward my alcoholic wife and shook my finger at her (called the Al-Anon hand shake) and blamed, blamed, blamed. How confused I was and without an answer to the question "What was my part in it?"
Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up Al-Anon. Call that number to get the meeting places and times in your district and get to the first one you can. Sit down (there will be an open chair for you) and listen with an open mind. After the meeting check out the literature they have available and talk to others too like WR did and keep an open mind. No one there will blame your alcoholic or even wish to know his name however they will love you unconditionally and listen.
thanks everyone i appreciate everyones comments and i am going to continue to come on here and read post and leave some and go to meetings and just see where this journey takes me... i love him and i dont want to give up on him but i dont want to lose myself along the way! once again thanks -you all are very kind take care
