The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a lot of emotional pain and I thought it would be good for me to find a sponsor to work on it. A woman in a meeting said her strength is compassion and empathy, so I asked her to be a sponsor to work out my pain. I didn't really know her that well.
We had one hour of phone conversation. During the conversation, she asked me to tell her what happened in the past, and I obliged. She was indeed empathetic, and I felt a deep sense of relief later.
During our second conversation, she seems to become a different person. She monopolized the conversation, and tried to analyze me. There were misunderstandings on her part about my past, and some of the analysis were simply off. I had to try really hard to get her to stop talking so that I can correct her.
She later told me that she got a bad feeling from me, I fought her too much and she doesn't want to be my sponsor. I tried to get her to talk more, but she was determined to hang up on me.
I feel deeply wounded by her. Had she not asked me to delve in the past and tell her about the past pain, I would not feel as bad. Part of me is feeling that this is high school girl who did nasty thing to another high school girl. On the other hand, I'm not sure she is aware of what she did. Many people think that they should use their feeling as guideline. Of course, how it affects other people is not their concern. I want to tell her what she did was cruel and wrong. What do you think?
How do I get over this new emotional pain created by her?
I am beginning to wonder that perhaps many sponsors want to feel they know more than their sponsees. Frankly speaking, I think anybody who attempts to analyze another person based on one single conversation is overshooting. They really should wait until they know me better. Is it really possible to find a sponsor who is willing to be empathetic and compassionate without feeling they really know more than their sponsees?
I can relate to how difficult it is to open up and share with a Sponsor and then regret it! I had things fall apart with a f2f sponsor and I was really shocked and disappointed. But I realized that they too are human, they too have flaws and they too have choices to determine if the relationship works for them or not. I have decided to not take the situation personally. I'll find another sponsor at some point.
I've not experienced this but wanted to share hugs. I know it's not a solution, but my AA sponsor always used to remind me that everything happens for a reason. Being 'me', I always tried to dissect everything to know the reason. So - then my sponsor always had to remind me in God's time....
Rora gave a great answer - and perhaps there is a better fit for sponsor at a meeting today! Hang in there, be gentle with yourself and know we are all here for you.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm sure what you shared with this sponsor will remain with her and not be shared same as if you shared in a meeting. Usually if I share something with someone or at a meeting I feel better afterward.
I don't have an "official sponsor" yet but my thinking is when I am serious about getting one I will focus my speaking to one or two people. When I am comfortable that person is the right one I will ask them if they want to sponsor me. Kind of a test drive or getting a sample before buying the product. Gerry
Do not be discouraged. No one in the program is perfect and the definately includes sponsors. Since it doesn't appear it will work out with this person, try again with another person.
Seeing that the results of this first attempt haved caused you to feel badly I would definately not just disregard all that was said between you two. Your first conversation made you feel better, so you said some things you needed to say. Perhaps not all of what was told to you in your second conversation was "accurate" as you believe but maybe there was still some things in there you needed to hear and can use.
I heard a speaker talking once about how to deal with criticism from another person. The suggestion was to file it away in a corner for a bit to allow any emotional responses to die down. Then pull the critique back out and look at it objectively if possible. If there is anything that might be true, or might be usable in improving myself, keep that part. If there are parts that I just don't think apply or are useful to me, throw those in my mental trash can, and put that out at the curb on the next trash day.
Perhaps something like that process could help you too.
Thank you all for the sharing of your kind words. I couldn't sleep for the 2nd night. Too agitated.
I don't want her to be my sponsor any more. However, I hope she can get me out of my mess by offering some consolation. After all, she caused it and I really don't need another wound. The wound happens in an unconscious level , and any thinking alone will not solve it.
Had she quit on me in a more friendly way, it would be much easier for me. What she did was cruel. Given that I followed her direction and trusted her the first time , and only to see her rejecting me the next time because I "fought" her. She certainly expects a lot of obedience from me.
I'm thinking of getting another person to talk to her so that she can undo her harm upon me. I know the program wants us to see that sponsors are humans. Perhaps this human being can have some kindness to another human being too. It will be good for both she and me. She might lose a bit of face in front of the third person. But it may save me from a lot of tears, tension and sleepless nights.
Of course, I don't know this is possible. I mean maybe nobody is willing to step in and get her to reverse what she did to me.
Thanks for sharing boston, I've had the same situation happen too. Trust is something I take seriously and when people break it, it nearly kills me. I still don't understand how people react in these deeply wounding emotional feelings. I know its ok to be angry and hurt but learning from it and letting it not wound me forever is the hardest part. Thanks for bringing this up, I've never seen anyone else be brave enough and I appreciate your honesty. It's made me feel very guilty for having these feelings.
I think you should prayer for her and let it go. Find another sponsor when you are ready. You don't need this anguish and it is not up to her to analyse you. I am deeply suspicious of that. I have a wonderful sponsor who shares with me also and I do not feel threatened. A friend of mine however is constantly analytical and to be frank it is ruining our friendship so I have some experience of the pain you have gone through. Sending prayers your way.
I think you should prayer for her and let it go. Find another sponsor when you are ready. You don't need this anguish and it is not up to her to analyse you.
I appreciate your response but I need some clarification. I hope you understand that I have no intention to have her back as sponsor. I just want her to undo the harm, and she may not be even aware of what she did to me affect me.
Perhaps you understand this too, but you still think it's not a good idea? Is it because you think she may not want to help me, or she may harm me again, or this is against the 12 step spirit?
I may be off base here, so if this doesn't make sense, disregard it. It sounds to me as if this woman may have enough of her own "stuff" that she's not able to be an effective sponsor for you. I wonder if some of the habits we have with alcoholics have come into play here? She said she was compassionate and empathetic, and so you moved ahead without getting to know her well first. That's kinda what I did with my A -- I believed what he said about himself, and didn't wait to get to know him over time before I plunged into a deeper relationship with him. Then when he hurt me, I wanted him to undo it. It's still hard to tear myself away -- I keep thinking, "If I just explain what happened clearly enough, he'll take responsibility and help me heal." But, to use the Al-Anon saying, expecting healing from someone who's still immersed in their own "stuff" is like trying to buy bread at the hardware store. So my best and only recourse (though I keep fighting with myself, trying to return to the old ways) is not to wait for his help to get started on the healing and moving forward.
It's a big and awful shock, though, when someone you trusted proves themselves unworthy of the trust. It's especially bad when we're still working out our problems and traumas with trusting the wrong people too much and the right people not enough. Take care of yourself. And don't let one person with "stuff" derail your progress in recovery -- you deserve so much more.
Aloha Boston Fern and great thread and trust for bringing it here. In short I handled the situation (yes been there done that on both sides) as Rora put it. It is the cleanest and simplest way of doing it and then I learned that after years of "practicing taking offense" from others. My part "taking". It was my default reaction until after sitting in the rooms and listening from other members the different ways they handled the same situation. I don't like feeling crappy so I do the things that rid me of taking and holding on to crappy feelings. Praying for, practicing and holding on to freedom of and from fear was a biggie that brought me to "deciding not to take situations personally." When that happens there is no continuing hurt.
I think that this woman may be too sick to undo the harm she has done and one of the things I have learned is that when peope show you who they are, believe them! I concur with Mattie's post, when we are thrown into unreasonable situations we try to make sense of them instead of just walking away and concentrating on us. I know its hard to take any gratitude in the situation but I just might be glad that she showed what she was like so soon,
I somehow don't think she is so hopeless that she would refuse to help me out. But, we don't know until we try right?
I sense people are against my idea. Too unconventional? Too different from the 12 step principles?
Hi BostonFern
The 12 Step principles are what a sponser/ sponsee relationship should be built upon.
Your relationship with this sponser did not work out-she ended the relationship.
Asking another member to intercede for you and thinking that this "sponser" must fix the hurt she caused is pre program thinking.
Alanon taught me that I am responsible for my feelings and that I must learn to forgive and let go if I am going to survive. I learned how to work alanon tools by first having to use the tools with alanon people.
It is not easy but as has been suggested by others, Find another sponser.
I would also recommend that you get the booklet Sponsershp what's it all about. That might help in defining the role each plays in the relationship. It also helps to set up ground rules before beginning the relationship so that any surprises can be avoided.
My favorite slogan is:" Let It Begin With Me"
Take What you like and leave the rest
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 1st of February 2010 03:34:41 PM
Am sorry u had a bad experience but perhaps u chose to soon , you said u didnt know her very well . A sponsors job is to listen , guide and accept not to take over your life , the choices u make are yours and if thier wrong a good sponsor will not do the I told you so routine she will just hug you and start again . Listen in your meetings talk to people who have what u want that have worked thru the steps and are living them to the best of thier ability . i was told to follow the winners , to me those were the people who were smiling talking about the steps going to meetings and in general were just plain happy so if they went to roundup s and conventions so did I , if the did 3 meetings a week so did I . A really good way to get to know people out side of the meetings is to go for coffee if t he group does , out of meeting setting people are different . I ahve found that anyone can be awsome for an hr . durring the meetings . outside is a diff story . Take your time and next time it will be different . Louise
I have been with my sponsor for 2 years she is an old timer who lives and breathes al anon. She is very very passtionate and it is her life. She knows the steps like back of her hand traditions etc etc.
But I am slowly learning she is only human they say take ehat you like and leave the rest. She is of a diffrent generation than me and has had different experiences. She has helped me so much over the past two years but as we get closer she is loosing her objectivity. I hae notie that shecan be control and has given her opinion on cetain things. But she has taught me well and I have worked hard. I know she can have slips just like anyone else. I also know that i must be learning lots about the programme to be able to identify when she slips regarding sponsoring me. I do not take it personal I just take what i like.
we are all on our own journey change what you can hand rest over to HP
I don't think I will get another sponsor again. It seems that many sponsors like to be seen as an authority figure. If they do have more wisdom than the sponsees, then the relationship can work out well. The trouble comes when the sponsors don't know all that much more than the sponsees. In this case, they give advice and analyze prematurely, meaning they just want to do so not so much for the sake of sponsees, but for their need to be seen as an authority figure.
I treat everybody as equal. I don't put people above me or below me. Besides, I've have more life experience than most people do and have generated many insights of people in general. What I can learn from another person is usually very limited. All I need from sponsors is compassion and empathy. But unfortunately it seems that most sponsors don't enjoy being empathetic only.
I have a different idea - co-sponsoring. People ask for specific help from each other. This way, both can get what they want, and not falling into ego or dependency trap.
-- Edited by BostonFern on Tuesday 2nd of February 2010 08:42:07 PM
I don't have a sponsor, I ususally just come here and post what's going on and read what people say. It's kind of like having a whole board full of sponsors. They share their experiences, their opinions and I take all of that and put it together to either validate what I was already thinking or take a second look at my motives and what I am thinking in a situation. I too have had many more life experiences than most and have insight from that. I know what you mean and it's hard sometimes when you know that the other person can't possibly know what you are going through or how you are thinking about a situation because they have never been in the same lake much less the same boat. This is anonymous - as much as you want it to be anyway - so I put it all out here and let the chips fall where they may. I like the support I get here and even when people have harsh words for me I take it as their opinion and not personally. I see if it fits for me, I have been challenged on here and it has caused me to change my thoughts/actions about various situations. In that way it is beneficial. I once had a sponsor when I first started out and it didn't work out very well for me either.
I had things fall apart with a f2f sponsor and I was really shocked and disappointed. But I realized that they too are human, they too have flaws and they too have choices to determine if the relationship works for them or not. 
