The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend and I separated 4 months ago, he left me after having had an emotional affair and deciding he wanted to quit drinking. He thought he could only do it alone, and alone he is, he has moved into the mountains, cut off his phone, etc. He has not been to a meeting.
Now he has been sober a month and we have been dating. Problem is he is completely emotionally unavailable. He is unable to express any kind of affection for me and says he doesn't know why. I have brought this up with him and he says my talks with him make him crazy, so he said we need to take a break. i believe he has started dating other women.
before him i was an incredibly independent woman that never would have let myself drop to this point where i am nearly begging for his love. i have been in al anon for 3 months now and i can't seem to stop thinking about him, or life without him. why can't i just let this pain go and move on?
i know that having a higher powers is what i really need, but i have been having a hard time really connecting/ believing. so i spend my days thinking about him and how to get us into a good space again... i need to have a life back!
Love cannot survive with out justice = if your not getting back what your willing to give it will die . it takes two to make something work you cannot do a relationship alone . he is sober 1 month and probably nuts half the time , he is doing this alone no support , alone in his own head is not a good thing .trust me It takes along time to begin to think clearly in sobriety , nothing will change except the isnt drinking . dry drunk is almost as bad as drinking . When obsessing about someone else we have no life of our own , Let go and leave him to his HP while u work on finding yours . keep the focus on yourself and your going to be ok .
I am not one to give love suggestions at this point in my own life...but I can tell you abbyal is right...you have to have 2 to make the relationship work. It is not worth worrying about whether or not you are good enough. Take care of you and that is all you can do.
Remember:
You can't change them...You can't cure them...You can't control them...but You do have a choice!!
Someone once told me in this room...and I need to take my own suggestions:
It is up to you...if you allow the other person to hurt you...that is your fault not theirs for hurting you...you have a choice to stay or go...and if you choose to stay in a bad situation it is only You to blame.
I find myself looking back and kicking myself over and over time and time again...for allowing the A's in my life to hurt me! I need to turn a new page in the next chapter and move forward...
I will keep you in thought and prayer!!
__________________
"if you can't say nothing nice, don't say nothing at all!!"
I'm letting go of a 10 year relationship. Read my posts if you wanna. I've done a lot of inventory, prayer, writing about feelings, etc.... Today I'm trying see her as a disease. Like a walking tumor.
You've probably heard it once or twice Nala...recovery needs a focus...on recovery or it gets out of balance quickly for both the alcoholic and willing Al-Anon Family Group member. Just stopping drinking doesn't mean sober. If he's been drinking for a while it will take a while to even wander around in a near normal world and who is to say what is normal anymore. Alcoholics don't grow up straight. When they start drinking they stop growing and life becomes influenced thru the alcoholic filter. Everything....everything is done under the influence and I don't mean drunk only; I mean culture. I am a member of both programs and came to understand in both that when the disease kicked in within my life I was alcohol focused at all times and that means from birth. So how could one find normal outside of alcoholism from me? I couldn't and no one else could either. It took me 37 years to get to the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups and I have not yet reach the half life of recovery (where recovery time equals disease time). You're trying to get from a person something they are unable to give and they are trying to find recovery while trying to accompany your needs at the same time...that is what his "he says my talks with him make him crazy" is all about. So much time in the disease and then a little time out of it results in deep confusion or the insanity referred to in the second step. He needs a power greater than you or any other human being; other than a willing supportive sponsor that he is committed to and then plus HP, to commit his effort with.
Alcoholism is described as being cunning, powerful and baffling...after we stop drinking that doesn't diminish...It gets worse because like members of Al-Anon the alcoholic doesn't have the anestheria of alcohol to block out reality. It comes at us loud, clear and in living color and the only secure place is in the program if we can remember not to drink first. I recommended a book a couple of days ago titled "Under the Influence" It might be a good read for you along with open face to face meetings of the Family Group and open meetings of AA.
Hi, I would agree with all of what has beeen said. My A is still very ill even though sober only10 months but that includes slip in Nov. He is finding it really hard facing guilt of what he has done in past. He has accepted he is an A that brings a lot of damage to his male ego too. His brain races nd he is so confused. The way I see it is my brain goes crazy trying to fix understand all this. I go to al anon to challenge my sick thoughts. My addiction is fixing rescuing. I am getting better by going to meetings changing my beliefs , thoughts and actions. My A has put down the bottle now in AA he is changing his thought beliefs and actions. When he or I do not go to our meetings the crazy brain tales back over. Your partner may not be drinking but that is only the start of the journey. I too expect my needs to be met by a man who can not possibly give me what I need. today I accept that he is really ill. i have made the choice to see him casually because he i in AA and I am in al ano we are both ill working on our own probs. I wish I ould have all my dreams come true a reliable partner but that is up to HP I am just taking one day at a time. Hope this helps take what you ike
Thank you all for your very insightful and thoughtful posts. I feel like I need to reread and reread them. There were a lot of comments in there that I needed to hear. I'm going to meetings and just got some more literature. As they say, one day at a time.
