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Need to vent a little tonight about the Limbo that is my life.
I'm still 90% sure that I'm leaving my AH husband in May, after I finish my Bachelor's degree. Living with him is hard because we both know that our marriage is falling apart.
We had a vague sort of conversation today about the state of our relationship, which he asked for a few days ago. Then when I bring it back up, what does he say? "Oh, I don't know what to say." So he says he wants to talk, and then when we're supposed to talk, he clams up? How passive aggressive!
Anyway, during the State of Our Union Talk nothing much got said. I get the feeling he knows that it's over, but doesn't know what to do about it. He's going to a few meetings and counseling sessions (1 day a week), but still drinking. So that tells me how he really feels about it.
Had a friend tell me that we should try couples counseling, but you know what? I don't know if I want to even try. She has faith in counseling because it helped her marriage, and that's great for her, but this is MY marriage and I don't even know if we can salvage it. Or if I want to try and salvage it. This is a hard thing to contemplate, but I don't know that I want to work on this marriage. I'm tired of "working on it" and "giving him another chance" and "the benefit of the doubt". I've done that again and again and what good has it done me? None.
So in the meantime, I'm working hard at my last semester of school and working my program to the best of my ability and working on being kind to him every day. I'm trying to focus on myself. Praying every day.
Maybe soon we can have a real conversation about what's going on, but I'm not going to expect it or plan on it. Whatever happens, happens. It's in HP's hands. All I can do is live one day at a time.
Today, I am sad. Today is a hard day in Limbo.
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish."
~ J. R. R. Tolkien
My experience with couples counseling was both positive and negative. On the positive side, it ultimately was the best thing for ME as the therapist told me to RUN to Al-Anon. On the negative side, my AH simply ended up using the results of our sessions as ammunition and weapons against me. He chose to use things that I had shared and suggestions given to me by the therapist as justification that he was RIGHT and I was WRONG and that essentially all of the problems were my doing. Never mind that the therapist told him to address his drinking. Never mind that the therapist told him to let the past go. He was not ready at the time (and still isn't, from what I can tell) to really accept that he had a part in our problems too.
All that being said, I bought into his point of view for a long time, until I really started working the program. Do I still have a lot of anger and resentment? Sure I do - but at least now I can see it for what it is and deal with it in a more constructive manner.
Unless your AH is truly ready to accept his part, couples counselling will likely mean more heartache for you. But I could be wrong - miracles do happen every day as we see time and time again in this program.
Keep focusing on you, do the next right thing one day at a time.
This is just my ESH - take what you like and leave the rest.
It's a sad situation all around. One counselor told me that she would not take clients with drinking problems unless they were also in AA and working their program. She said that unless they had a handle on their drinking and all the support, other counseling would be pointless.
I wish I had stuck with this, as when we did get into couples counseling, we got a counselor who didn't know very much about alcoholism, and that was useless and maybe counterproductive. The counselor believed my A ex when he said his drinking was under control and just fine, for instance.
So the point I was aiming at was that in my experience, the A has to work his recovery program as a foundation to any other changes, or the whole thing is useless.
Since he doesn't seem to be totally on board with that, it doesn't seem surprising that he doesn't want to talk. He knows it will come up. He's probably numbing himself to the pain somewhat too. You're alive to the pain. But that gives you the power to take responsiblity for your life.
intothewoods - first, (((((Hugs))))) - it's such a difficult situation you are in. With the mayhem in our family, and then a child/teen with addiction issues, we've had the pleasure (NOT) of family counseling as well as couple counseling. It's just so not fun when the A is not working a program.
I enjoy my counseling sessions and she's also in AA (recovery). I did not know this when we were 'interviewing' - found out a bit later. However, when we had our couple or family sessions, I came out feeling run over. The insanity of the disease flowed so freely - very hard to describe, but I believe we also wore her out.
I am learning to just have no expectations. It's not a long term solution, but it will work while I gain strength back for managing me. Thanks for sharing; and know you're not alone - you got us MIP family folks...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
