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This is probably going to end up more likey life story than a vent but i swear if i don't get this out my head is literally going to explode!!! I got a call from my alcoholic mother this morning because today would have been my dad's 56 birthday and a year since his death...understandably she was really upset and that would have been fine had she not already drank her body weight in whiskey at 9am! She was crying and sobbing talking about killing herself because she's so lonely and has nothing to live for - clearly me, my brother and my two beatiful children don't rank high enough on her reasons to live list. Anyway i spent 1 1/2 hrs 'talking her down' - something i have done for the last 15 years on a near weekly basis - it is absolutely exhausting (she's been an alcoholic all my life but i've only been able to step in as her crutch since i was 10 ish). Anyway despite this talk we had i got a phonecall 3 hrs later from my brother telling me that she'd actually tried to kill herself (this is the very first time she has actually tried to go through with it) and rather than being upset about potentially losing my mother i felt angry at how selfish she is and then almost relieved that i wouldn't have to have this constant alcohol drenched cloud over my head and then obviously i felt ashamed for feeling that way.
I mean I 26 years old, i'm happily married and i have two wonderful children and i live over 300miles away from her so everytime i get one of these calls all i can do is talk to her - i can't physically do anything and she will not under any circumstances accept outside help. So take today for instance the paramedics arrived at the house following her suicide attempt and she refused to go to hospital. Nothing at all the paramedics could do so my brother calls me to try to convince her - had i been there i could have dragged her there had her stomach pumped and got her admitted to an alcohol rehab facility but no - i do my best to convince her but she says no and i feel completely impotent and if she dies as a result of this attempt i will always feel partially responsible because maybe i could have done/said more.
My mum comes from a family of alcoholics and drug addicts and i understand that having been brought up with it it might be hard to see addiction as anything but the norm but hey - i managed to avoid it! I am just sooooo angry, i feel like i've had half my life robbed from me by this disease - most teenagers worry about boys and homework, not me i had to worry about coming home to clean up urine and vomit and then cook tea for my dad who until he became ill worked 14 hr shift in a mine to support our family cos my mum couldn't hold a damn job down cos she couldn't make it into work without a 'hair of the dog'
She always has an excuse as to why she drinks and will never admit that she has an alcohol problem which i find completely insane - nobody could be in that much denial. When i was young it was 'the stresses of being a mum', then when i was a teenager it was all my fault because i was bulemic (ironically an attempt to gain my mothers attention), following that it was because her friend died and then it was because my dad got sick. My dad tragically died last year after a long drawn out illness and ofcourse my mum just dove into the nearest bottle and didn't resurface. So rather than being able to grieve for him myself i had to register his death, arrange the funeral and wake and be the shoulder for everyone - to this day i still haven't been able to cry. But to be honest he's well rid of that life in that house with her - she's like a leach just draining the happiness and life from everyone and everything around her, wallowing in self loathing and self pity.
Now despite everything i've said, i love her, much more than i want to because atleast if i didnt i could just cut her off and leave her to it but i always go back and i always will because i believe she can do better. i believe that through rehab and a regular consistant programme she can be the person she wants to be. Its strange to think that my mum used to be a gold medal winning tap and ballet dancer as a young woman. I want her to be that person again, full of life and vigour who see's the world not as a closed door but an open book.
Thanks to the creators of this forum for giving me this outlet and i'm sorry to anyone who might be offended by anything i've said about my situation/feelings
I'm glad you are here. In al anon we have a saying, we didnt' cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. I know full well how it is to feel responsible for an alcoholic. I lived with one for 7 years and eventually I could not take responsibility for his behavior any more.
I can also understand well the sense of frustration and impotence on getting emergency phone calls. At one point the ex A lived 25/50 miles from me and the emergency phone calls came every single day. There was always a crisis, intervention needed and then denial. Eventually I came to see that was part of alcoholism and addiction as it progresses.
The ex A who I was with was parasuicidal all the time, drove cars at all kinds of speeds, crashed them, got in trouble with the law regularly and had catastrophic finances. If he was ever challenged he took off to commit suicide and then used that as an excuse to go and use. I can very much understand the issue of walking on eggshells with someone like that. I felt absolutely totally imprisoned with his addiction and trying to keep him alive.
I was very lucky I had this forum to come to and I certainly vented a great deal about him. Eventually over time I started to use skills that are al anon stalwarts, detaching (needless to say in the beginning I detached with anger and with indifference). I started to put myself in the equation.
(((((((((hugs))))))))) to you Jellybean. This is a wonderful place to vent and to read the experiences of others who have been where you are and survived. I am reletively new here, but I have found so much comfort over the past month by reading and learning about the disease of alcoholism. I hope you will find some peace as you read through these posts. You can't control your mother's disease and you are not responsible for the outcome of her behavior. When I read the Three C's - you didn't CAUSE her to drink, you can't CONTROL her drinking and you can't CURE her disease. - that was like a lightbulb going off in my head. Keep coming back here, there are online meetings and you can find info about face to face meetings in your area. All of these things have helped me through the chaos and craziness I was feeling.
Hugs to you. It is an irony that she says her life is so bad that she needs to kill herself, yet she refuses treatment to make her life better. Of course the disease makes people insane and that's the insanity talking.
I have heard people on these boards say that when someone says they're suicidal, the thing to do is to call the emergency services. If they're really suicidal they'll get the help they need; if they're not, they'll see that we take their statements seriously. The most serious thing is that we're not trained professionals who can deal with suicidal people and we don't have the tools, the resources, the stamina, and the detachment to deal with them. It takes a huge toll. It's clear that if you could affect the course of her disease, you would have by now.
I hope you can get to Al-Anon meetings. There will be lots of people there (as there are here) who have been through the same thing. You need and deserve lots of support. Hugs to you.
Hugs to you and you are at a great place~! I'm reasonably new to MIP and you can see by my post count that I am always in need. Knowing I was not alone was so helpful when I finally reached out for help.
F2F meetings are so very helpful too. So glad you're here and again, hugs to you.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Jellybean, just want to add my welcome. Keep coming back and vent all you like. Better out than in as they say!! Your Mum is just doing what alcoholics do, its a cunning baffling and powerful disease. I agree with Mattie about calling the emergency services over the suicide threats.
