The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am finding myself in quite a position. My A has been home now for almost a week, after being gone for 4 months (3 months in treatment).
It is so uncomfortable in the house. I tend to be sensitive to negative energy, and you could slice the tension in the air.
I have been continuing to try to do my own thing and let him do his thing. I have been trying to forgive and rid myself of all blame and resentment, I know he is sick. I have been doing my best to communicate with him, but he will not open up. He finally did say that he was uncomfortable and not happy.
He is doing a few minor things, but it does not really seem that he is trying to connect with the family (we have 2 boys, 10 and 8). When I ask him to talk, he says he "can't talk to me". I have no idea what is going on in his mind, and I don't really think he wants to be here.
Yesterday, we had our first arguement (a little too soon for my liking). I have done so much around here to try and get a routine, put things in its place and get some type of order. Now I know I have to let go of some of that. But since he is not communicating, he is just doing, and put our Christmas tree away where I didn't want it because I had a specific spot for it. He didn't ask where it went, and disregarded that there was a home for it. We ended up having an arguement; my issues are not important, what I have been doing around here and my routine "isn't working for me" because things are not perfect. He was totally disrespecting me in more ways than one. He was getting angry, and ask for me to respect him and stop the conversation...(he was violent with me once ever, and the reason why he was gone from home more that his treatment). I made a choice. How dare he disrespect me and hurt my feelings and lower my self-esteem, then ask me to respect him. I couldn't do it.
He said he was going to leave. Said he couldn't live like this. Said I was Skitzophrenic (I now it is not spelled right), and that he wanted to punch me in the face.
I don't understand why he is acting this way. He has been blaming me, and I feel like I am the one to blame. I feel horrible and so anxious, almost panicky.
What am I doing wrong? I am trying to not take on his issues, but it is so hard.
Edit: I just found out that he is leaving...looking for his own place. I don't understand what is going on. He will not talk. He continues to say that he is "ending the conversation". I even asked him why he is control of when or what we talk about. Why is he calling the shots? This is how I feel. I DON"T UNDERSTAND what is going on, and he won't talk to me.
-- Edited by SheWolf on Sunday 31st of January 2010 12:52:48 PM
So sorry that you are going through such a difficult time. Is he going to AA? Keep talking to Al Anon friends. They will help you take care of you. Sending lots of hugs your way!
Aloha Shewolf...these are some of the things that happen when life changes for the alcoholic and the family of the alcoholic. I didn't know what the hell to do myself and I didn't know why what I did was wrong. Best thing for me was into the meetings often and into the literature and like you look for and find a sponsor. This is first second and third step territory...First focus is on the first three steps....Powerless? Yes so don't try to figure it out or control it....Unmanageable? for certain so small steps in controlling myself and my reactions to what was going on...pick and choose what I wanted to deal with and how long I wanted to do that and save time for learning the program. Did I need more than a bit of sanity? More than a bit and I didn't know how to do that because I knew how to get into the crazies compulsively so coming to believe in a power greater than myself and knowing that Higher Power and using that Higher Power to constantly rely on was major focus and practice. And then the practice of consistently committing my mind and will over to that higher power was in the form of "Before I respond to this or anything let me check this out first and I get back to it." Get into the face to face meetings and listen to the old timers. The ones who have what it is that you need most are the ones to ask for support.
i am trying not to give advice here...cos thats not the way we do things on this board.... you have to remember the illness is causing your AH to behave in this way. he has no control over it anymore than you do at this moment in time. this illness presents itself in many forms aside from the obvious one - paranoia, depression, aggression, antisocial behaviour, insecurity, denial are all part and parcel of it. there is nothing you can say or do to make these things stop. there is nothing you can say or do that will fix you AH. you can only take care of yourself (and your boys of course).
Your husb is what I lovingly call STARK RAVING SOBER , he is full of guilt and shame and u bet he is uncomfortable he dosnt know how to live sober . One of our slogans that helped me so much in sobritey was HOW IMPORTANT IS IT ?? that the tree got put in the wrong place , is it worth the fight u just had ? probably not . Have no expectations right now some days all he can do is NOT drink and for today that has to be enough , he will talk when he is ready period , everyone is raw in your home right now not a great time to talk . I hope uare attending Al-Anon f2f for yourself u need support people to talk to , to walk u thru this new phase in your lives . He dosent have a clue what he wants right now and is haning on by a thread , he may or may not leave your home . don't project . Just carry on doing what u have been dong while he was away , life dosent stop just because he came home . find meetings keep the focus on yourself. and he will take care of his sobriety . I was told that an alcoholic cannot go home to an old idea and stay sober , I was the old idea !!!! We have to change too not just the alcoholic , we have a part in the mess that was created prior to sobriety . we cannot keep them sober nor is it our job to do so = for starters just do the opposite to what u have always done and it has to turn out differently . Keep it Simple If you would normally fight = don't If you would normally sit and allow yourself to be verbaly abused = speak up and say enough . Regardless of what he says YOUR not the reason he drank and if he chooses to drink again that will not be your fault either . Your simply not powerfull enough to make anyone drink or stop . * hugs *
SheWolf - I truly have nothing more to add but did want to send a (((((Hug))))) to you. Hang in there and take care of you and the boys!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I noticed that the title of your post begins "I don't have a sponsor yet...." Perhaps getting a sponsor would be a good idea? And, as has been suggested, get phone numbers of members in your area, keep going to meetings, keep reading, keep praying, and keep posting. We all love you.
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If you want something you never had before, then do something you never did before.
Have you read the chapter in the big book called "The Family Afterward?" If not, you may find some comfort in it. It talks about what happens after the alcoholic gets sober - how many times, the neglected famlies just want the alcoholic's time and attention because he/she has been unavailable for so long that it only seems fair. The book explains that, like another poster said, some days all the alcoholic can do is hang on and not drink.
I think it's normal that having the person back home after he/she has been away feels strange. It's not what has become the norm. For me, it felt like I had a temporary houseguest for a while - the person in my house was not the same person that I'd driven to rehab days before. Sobriety is awesome, but it certainly has challenges. Life after sobriety is hard work.
Face to face meetings might really be helpful to you, as well as finding a sponsor to talk to daily. Glad you're here - keep coming back!
