The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good evening MIP friends. I sit here, and again - have a heavy heart. My heart is heavy from guilt ... which I know I should not feel but I do and it's so real. I also ache in my heart as my ASon is back in treatment.
Why - oh - why does this disease make lovely people into such monsters? I LOVE my son but I HATE this disease --- with a passion. I have been working very hard on boundaries, and on detaching and modifying my reactions to his disease.
We had a huge blow-up today - can you believe it was over shoveling snow? *Sigh* - it was and he destroyed his bedroom door and put a hole in his wall. Of course, he also called me everything but mom - very colorful, hurtful words - including the ultimate I hate you and you are a f......g b.....h.
All during this escalating event, I did not react; I did not scream - I did not cry. I froze for a bit - then held firm on all that I'd committed to and gave him 2 choices - jail or treatment.
He continued, so I gave him 30 minutes to decide. I went into my bedroom and prayed for guidance. He came in and stated treatment. I handed him the insurance card and the phone, and told him he needed to call and get referrals for centers with open beds.
He got 4 phone numbers, I asked him to dial and discuss. He picked a center and I told them we were on the way. He packed his stuff, and we were out the door. The center is an hour and 15 minutes away - a very long ride. I cried the whole way and he listened to music. He asked for McDonald's, which I purchased.
He hated me before - it's magnified now that I've created some boundaries and refuse to tolerate unacceptable behavior. However, in spite of all that I have learned and my desire to no longer accept unacceptable behavior, I feel such guilt and sadness that we're - again - at this place.
I've heard it here and in F2F meetings that it's not my son - it's the disease. I said that to myself 100+ times today - so it seems. It hurts so bad - no matter the source and I sit again and wonder....did I do the right thing?
Thanks for listening all and thanks for being here...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I understand. I am sending a hug your way. I had a discussion today with my AH. I told him that I hate the disease but love him. I told him that I hate the selfishness of the disease. I told him that I am learning that I can love him even though I do not love the alcoholic behaviors. Love the person not the behaviors is what I am trying to say. It is good that you have boundaries. I know that it is hard to enforce them at times.
Keep praying and keep coming back. Your HP will take care of you and your son.
Only you and your HP can know if you did the right thing - but it seems to me you worked your program really well - even if it feels horrible. From what you wrote:
1. Your son exhibited unnacceptable behavior in your home and to you. 2. He crossed your boundary 3. You let him know the consequences of crossing your boundary 4. He chose one of the options 5. He got himself back to treatment
I say, bravo lady! You may have helped him save his own life. You exhibited a wonderful love for the future of your child.
Thanks all - I feel like one step forward, 2 steps backwards. I'm working tonight to connect my head and my heart again - which was one of my first posts here at MIP!
(((((Hugs)))))...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Start collecting more tools for yourself while he is away like the Serenity Prayer and the slogans. Get literature from meetings in your area and gather up some face to face friends. You did great and better is coming when you have the tools. If the rehab he is going to uses the steps as a part of their program then learning the steps your self will be good for common language. Let go of the day and restart a new one anytime you want. You're not alone as you already know. You got family all over the planet now. Let us love and support you till you learn how to love and support yourself better and better. (((((hugs)))))
Love your son but hate the disease, wow..that is a statement of progress in itself..this disease just sucks us all in and it destroys everything in its path.
Your son in in treatment that's a good thing, he is alive, that is a great thing. Please try and remember where there is life there is hope.
It often takes some people more than one try at rehab to get it.....I am praying for you and your son.
I pray he gets it and you become stronger thru the love and help of alanon.
In the circumstances you have done the very best you can. Please take this time to take care of you. Take time to detach, reflect etc . Remember this too will pass.
Hey all - thanks for the prayers, hugs and support. It's been a calm day and I took a long nap....that's what sounded good and that's what my body wanted.
I did some reading today to focus on me/recovery and a bit of laundry. I also cooked sgetti for dinner - which is what my 2nd born son asked for. He invited 2 friends over to eat with us, and it was so nice.
He (my 2nd born) is very guarded with his emotions and tends to not share very much. He and I talked a bit last night and this morning and he came clean that his brother scares him and yesterday was very scary. My AH has unintentionally conditioned both my sons to be protective of their emotions - he's from old school where 'men' don't show emotion/share feelings. He's called them 'pussies' before when they've been genuine - another downfall of this disease.
I can say that the day has been OK. Peaceful, yet sad as I work to think about my best next steps for me. I still hate this disease desperately...
Thanks everyone for your shares and support and prayers. It's so great to be able to come here, in my jammies and share what's up, good, bad and indifferent!
Oh yeah - I also put together a spreadsheet of all the meetings closest to me so I can plan a bit in advance. I like going to different groups, and there are quite a few choices in my area so I now can just 'look and go'~~~!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
