The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having difficulty determining if i am really accepting of Step 1, or if I am having trouble trusting my own instincts.
I have self-esteem issues, and trying to understand my own emotions can be trying some times. I think I believe that my life has become unmanageable; having to take over everything, and not having much time for myself. I have realized that I need help and have issues getting motivated. My A has been back in the house for almost a week now from being in treatment, and I find myself TRYING to do my thing around the house, and NOT worry about him or take on his issues. It is very hard. I know that I am not responsible for his issues, his feelings and his responsibilities. But I find myself feeling anxious all the time, because I really am putting on a fake front. I am doing my things, but I find myself doing even more and still walking on eggshells around him. Hence, knowing I am POWERLESS is also difficult. I can see these things, but don't really know if I believe them. I know I am POWERLESS over him and alcohol, I did not cause it, I can not cure it or control it.
I am trying so hard, but I feel like I am feeling deeper. I am doing my meetings, and going to a counselor. I hear and read what I need to do, but maybe I don't understand it.
How have others understood and believed this step?
I knew I had accepted Step 1 when my sponsor told me I was ready to move on to Step 2.
I have also learned that just because I have accepted Step 1 does not mean that I will not have to go back and study it again. Things change in our lives and we go back and start over with the new changes. It is a life long process but we do survive if we are faithful to our meetings, work closely with a sponsor and work those steps.
If I can make it so can you.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
For me, when the desire to fix and control my A and the situation had diminished, I moved on to step 2. My sponsor worked steps 1-3 very early with me and I stayed there for a long time. I needed to hear it all together... "I can't, God can, and I think I'll let Him." For me, I couldn't let any of it go, without trusting that "someone" was gonna take care of it. Then, I could breathe a sigh of relief.
Step one is the foundation of the entire program. For me, as soon as I gain consciousness every morning, the foundation of my day must begin in powerlessness.... and praying the step 3 prayer.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
For me, Step 1 is something I have to do every day. I recognize every single day that I am powerless over alcohol (and people, which is harder) and that my life, as it was, had become unmanageable. In my life, if I don't start out every single day admitting that I am powerless over alcohol and other people, I find myself eventually slipping back into old behavior patterns.
Step 1 is the beginning of freedom for me , I am focused on my own needs and not obsessing about what other people should or shouldnt be doing . The min I get involved in someone elses stuff my life becomes unmanagable again , I start to obsess and forget about taking care of me ., I too am never finished with step 1 , there is always someone who dosent do what I think they should be doing when i think they should be doing it hehe , remind yourself every day that today u will not get involved in others lives and allow them the dignity to figure it out for themselves . while u go about enjoying your day . A friend of mine keeps it real simple he says the only thing he has any control over is the clothes he wears that day and his attitude while wearing them .
Aloha Shewolf...The first part of getting step one was mental; in my head. I studied it figured different angles of it, pondered how others did it, compared it to how others spoke about it and then just left it to head work until I learned I had to act it out. Like the rest of these other wise women I had to put the awareness into action. Self focus without fear; stop looking over my shoulder while I was doing my life to see if the alcoholic was in and around and in and around some kind of condition that use to throw me out of whack. There might have been eggshells laying about and I learned how to say, "Oh there are eggshells laying about and keep walking over or around them." I prayed to be released from fear and that was answered. I looked to my sponsor(s) for guidance and made every effort to follow thru on what I was being lead in.
I learned not to try soooo hard but to make my best effort for the time and take it easy. Take your recovery in little bites and little baby steps and each day you will progress some and then some more. You certainly are not in this alone.
I too have to start each day reminding myself what I am (powerless), over this disease (people, places, things) and need help (HP, group, MIP).
If I miss this, I quickly begin to return to my old way of doing, thinking, processing, etc. I hear it over and over and practice it - I can start my day over @ any time.
I too often have that anxious feeling (I'm newer to all this than most) and feel as if I'm walking on eggshells. At these moments, I often pray the serenity prayer, and meditate on what I hear from others - I am worthy, take it easy on yourself, etc.
Know that you're not alone and we're just a few keystrokes away...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
