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My son is mean and rotten to the core! I hate to sound so mean but, it's true! He has no respect for me and I'm the one who has always been there for him. We had this hugh blowout argument with name calling and swearing at each other! I'm to the point to where I don't care anymore about him and his selfish disease. I can't take the abuse anymore! I don't want anything to do with him until he gets sober. I always hear you're suppose to be a loving and caring parent and always be there for your children. How can I be loving and caring when I'm treated so abusively? Is this a insensitive expectation to have on my son? Please advise
Hi roxygirl please dont think you are mean for feeling this way....it is perfectly normal to feel anger, betrayal, hurt and all the rest of the emotions you are going through when you are dealing with this illness. Look after you!...thats the only way through this nightmare. throughout all the posts you will find over and over again we remind each other...... 'this is not my illness, i did not cause it, i cannot cure it'. This will empower you to be able to take a step back and look at what is going on with fresh eyes and decide what you need to do to improve your life. Dealing with the fallout and trauma of an AH is bad enough but to be on the receiving end of it from an Ason or daughter must be doubly difficult. And believe me when i say ....your troubles are no reflection on you as a parent. this illness shows no mercy and preys on those closest to the afflicted. only you can decide on your boundaries....and once set you must stick to them like glue....any breach must be met with a consequence. little by little you will be released from the intense grip this illness has on you...and you will flourish. be uplifted that we are all supporting you in your need. gilly
Hey roxygirl - I too have an Ason. He's very aggressive, mean and abusive too. I am very new, and also frustrated with his treatment of me.
From the folks here at MIP and F2F meetings, I am learning that this is the disease in him. It's the disease that is making him be who he is and it's the disease that is lashing out.
I am working hard, minute by minute, to detach and set boundaries. I also no longer raise my voice and engage. This is super hard for me - as I' have a variety of resentments, but these are also really for the disease - not my son.
I am taking care of me ----- baby steps and doing things told by me and I feel less stress and a bit more confident in my thinking. Keep coming back and know we're all here!
(((((Hugs)))))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That's some good ESH Iamhere. You're learning. Learning something new and not usually natural is hard at the start had it not been for the program encouraging the membership to keep and open mind I doubt I would have gotten anywhere or anything. Defensing the disease is very reactive and normal however with time and practice and following the suggestions of the older members it all comes out much better for us.
Roxy if the abuse has gotten to the point of emotional, verbal, mental and borderline physical (threats) I encourage you to check out the nearest Alternatives to violence program or family program and seek information on TROs...Temporary Restraining Orders. If you don't there won't be as much a deterrant to escalation.
Get the number to the local District Al-Anon meetings also and get there as fast as you can if you are not already attending. There is much help at face to face meetings and so much more support including literature and the like.
It's very normal to have feelings of dislike, even hatred for the person affected by alcoholism. Many of us come to these rooms with those feelings. We have been so battered, so abused (physically, emotionally, mentally) that we, in the end, come out fighting. We are like a fox trapped in a corner. We begin to defend ourselves and we develop very bad feelings under horrific circumstances. You are not a bad parent, or a bad person because you feel this way.
One of the harder journeys in recovery is detachment with love - at least for me it was. There was an earlier post where Jerry talked about detaching with disdain, then detaching with indifference, then detaching with love. Keep coming back and maybe working on detachment with love will help you heal.
My heart and soul go out to you. I understand your pain because I also have a son who is an A/DA.
One of the hardest things I have had to deal with has been "you take care of your kids" and being in meetings hearing that I can't take care of him, he has to do it. FRUSTRATING to say the least. Nobody ever told us when we were to stop taking care of them until we go to meetings and find out if we are doing something for them that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves then we are sticking our nose where it doesn't belong. Learning to mind my own business has been so hard for me to do. They stop maturing when they start using heavy and because their behavior is so juvenile we treat them that way. My son was 41 yesterday and I have a difficult time not treating him like he is 15.
The big thing that has helped me is to remember when we talk that I am actually talking to two people; the A/DA and my son. The A will do things and say things to me that my son never would dream of saying or doing. There are times when it is difficult to remember this but when I do it makes the conversations go so much smoother. IF by chance he happens to get nasty in his conversation with me I simply refuse to continue the conversation. Slowly he has learned that if he wants to talk to me at all he has to keep it civil.
Keep going to your meetings and remember it is OK to feel our feelings as long as we don't let them consume us. Take care of yourself and let him do the same because nothing changes until something changes.
((((HUGS))))
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I too have an Ason......with practice I've been able to detach from the disease, which I hate with a vengeance, but I am able to show my son I love him and I receive it back. Boundaries are my salvation. Hard work but rewarding.
In my opinion, some make this all sound like, "The Exorcist." The devil taking over a body, and the body having nothing to do with the horrible actions. NOT TRUE! It is your son who is being "abusive, mean, and rotten to the core", and you have every right to react as you do to this behavior. His alcoholism is, to be sure, the catalyst, but in the end it is HE who is delivering the message. I do not have the answer for you, but I can tell you this: Please do not feel guilty about the feelings you have. None of it is your fault.
I am sorry you are having to go through this pain. I will keep you, and your son in my prayers and positive thoughts.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I don't want anything to do with him until he gets sober. I always hear you're suppose to be a loving and caring parent and always be there for your children. How can I be loving and caring when I'm treated so abusively? Is this a insensitive expectation to have on my son? Please advise 
