The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Over the past few years, as my Son's addiction has progressed, I have been unable to look at family and baby photos. We repainted the largest areas of our home 3-4 years ago, and never put the photos back up. We've got some in other areas of the home and I do my best to avert my glaze.
The photos of my boy, so alive and free and smiling as a baby/young boy have taken my breath away over the years. My brain knows, because of this program and the 12 Steps that I ache because of projection and living in the past - however....my heart doesn't care.
As I've embraced and worked to accept that it is what it is, it's gotten a bit better. Trust me when I say it is not to the point where I can put together an album or hang photos back on the walls. However, I don't just stop in my tracks and cry, and I can actually muster up a small smile on good days.
So - yesterday - my Ason (got fired - is home every day), I was working to put back together my storage/basement area from our furnace replacement. My son was tagging along, and found a box of older photos.
He pulled them down and began to go through them. These are the moments where I get so 'stuck'. He kept saying, as one would, 'hey mom - look at this one...' I tried to engage, I really did. I looked at was quiet. I could not muster up happiness from the photos, only sadness. I just felt so very guilty for not being able to engage with him and enjoy this moment - but I just could not.
He brought them upstairs, and the process continued. He'd find a cute/funny one and want to share. I'd try to look/enjoy and felt more and more anxiety.
I finally began to get emotional, and said to him, "Honey - I am sorry - I am just not able to look at these photos right now....it makes me too sad."
I did not take the time to see his reaction as I did not want to own his emotions. I had to leave the room.
So - for those who've been at this a longer while than I - is there a way to take care of me without being hurtful/hateful?
How do you walk away (or run) from these situations that trigger emotional responses that I'm not ready for?
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((((I am here)))))...I learned how to look at the picture in pieces and when I looked pull out the positive with the negative so that I could find balance. I had to do this also with the pictures of my past before adult time so that I wouldn't get depressed and angry. I remind myself "there are good times, there is good here if I want to have it." I got addicted to the negatives and Al-Anon and the process brought me back. Today I can stay in the positive and want that more than the pain of the negatives. Even as something escalate toward the wrong side of the scale...I go for the positives such as no matter how bad I think it gets or has gotten, today I know there is always hope, miracles, HP. That is no longer an idea for me...it's the truth.
I so understand your pain and know how deeply it can go. I too have a son who is an alcoholic/drug addict.
I can honestly say that the only thing that has helped me keep any part of my sanity is Al-Anon, my meetings, having a sponsor and working the steps. No that does not take away the pain that has to come with time.
I highly recommend the Al-Anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. One of the meetings I go to is studying this book from cover to cover and it has been so rewarding. We have had people share things from their past that they were never able to talk about before. One girl the first night said "Now I know what has been wrong with me for the last 30 years".
Grief comes in many packages and talking about it, sharing about it and working through it helps us eventually get rid of the pain.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thanks all ---- I am and always have been a photo person. It pains me greatly to have lost my joy for photo memories. I do have to share only because folks here will 'get it'....
I was concerned last evening and this morning too about how my need to walk from the pictures may have hurt my son's feelings. So, I prayed and decided I would try to share that I love him and I'm working through my issues, and the photos are painful - for now - but won't be always.
At 11:30, he's still not awake (or shown himself). Of course, every day until I see him awake I wonder if he's been taken from us. It's a daily struggle for me - the not knowing - and the wondering if the worst has happened.
Well - 11:30 is very, very late - and I'm almost as panicked as the other day with the Needle & the Spoon. So, I send my AH up to check. He comes back down, and says, "He's in bed - it's OK." (My ASon used to sneak out all the time - so my AH is telling me he's here.)
I asked if he was alive (which was my concern in the first place), and he turns around and goes back up to see. He comes back down, and says Yes - he is.
My son comes down around noon, and is in rare form. Within 10 minutes, he's upset, cursing, etc. as he doesn't get his way. Needless to say, today was not a good day to try and have a discussion.
I did not react to his drama again, but ... am very, very exhausted. Refraining from engaging and practicing detachment this week has worn me out. I am off to a meeting that starts in 20 minutes - and am so grateful it's available and close.
I am trying real hard to stay in the moment/day - my husband leaves town tonight, and often the weekends are the most painful/chaos filled.
(((((Hugs))))) to all - thanks for sharing and letting me share!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The only thing I wanted to add is the idea of grief. I am grieving the loss of my AH at the moment, and reaquainted myself with an Al-Anon book titled "Transforming Our Losses" or something like that. I first read that book several years ago when someone pointed out to me that although my AH was alive back then, I was already grieving the death of the relationship as I hoped it would be. Your comments about not being able to look at the photos reminds me of a person who is grieving - perhaps the loss of innocence of her son, perhaps the loss of the mother/son love? Please ignore this if you feel it doesn't fit, but I did get a lot of help from that book and it may be worth a read for you too.
I agree with Rocky......grief is not just associated with death.
Grieving started for me when I started to change, as you are now, when I began a gradual letting go of my sons disease and all that that entails. Photos were (are) a big thing for me, I even kept a photo diary of his downward spiral to confront him with.....put a lot of work in on photoshop doing before and after montages......yep I was truly insane....those photos have since been deleted because the only person who looked at them was me.
It is a frightening process letting go, but every day I tell myself it cant be as painful as the place I am leaving behind because the fear of staying where I was is worse for me..... and thats how I get through it, one day at a time. I dont ever want to be back in the fear and insanity.
Could only do it with the support of all who walk in the same shoes, my f2f group and coming here.....my lifelines.
Ive now got two of my favourite photos back out and its ok.
Rocky & Ness - thanks for your shares/comments! Also, Rocky - appreciate the book suggestion. Literature/books are truly helpful for me - studying others stories and actions help me go forward and take those necessary steps each day to transform my thinking.
(((((hugs))))) to both of you and may your path be blessed each day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
