The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to have a short pity party or I won't be able to get on with my day/life.
My AH and I are separated and not speaking. We are trying to figure out our divorce settlement, but that is made difficult by his refusal to communicate. He hasn't paid any child support, I don't know if I will get to keep my house, I can't find a full time job with benefits that will support even my basic needs. I am sinking financially.
I am deeply in love with someone and we are very happy to have found each other. Coincidentally, I am best friends with his former wife. We just found out yesterday that she has breast cancer. We don't know the extent of the disease yet, but we are devastated.
I am in a state of overwhelming fear. I feel catatonic. I am having difficulty functioning. I am not coping well. I need to move forward and handle the situations that come my way and know that my HP is walking beside me. I need to let go and let God.
Sounds like it is quite a difficult time for you and I am so sorry for that. I completely understand that catatonic state - paralaysis in coping and moving forward. In these moments when I could barely perform basic self-care functions I had to literally apply FIRST THINGS FIRST. What needed IMMEDIATE attention? Most of the time, it was a moment-to-moment thing and I had to learn to reorganize and reprioritize in the most basic sense. I had to REMIND myself to do normal things because my functioning was so undermined by the crisis before me. You're not alone!!
Letting go and letting God have everything sounds like a good idea. I learned how to stand real still and not make any decisions for myself because I didn't have any solutions and all of what I thought I knew didn't work so why use it. I found the program and turned myself over to it and then worked as best I could to fit myself to it which was difficult because I was the problem. When I get afraid and crazy at the same time...it's time for me to do nothing. Sit still and listen and watch which for me is best done in a meeting.
This morning's meeting was an ask it basket meeting...My question I got to consider was "How does my idea of control affect my perception of a Higher Power?" I'm not a deep thinker but I can review my history in the disease of alcoholism and how I use to work both rolls...controller and Higher Power. Letting go and doing nothing stopped me from both control and manipulation and acting like God.
(((((Hugs))))) to you babysteps - I too am sorry for your pain. When I am 'stuck', and my brain isn't working as I think it should, I truly have no choice but to reach out for help. The F2F meetings and MIP have been my salvation recently as I've walked into a few dark areas.
As best I can, I do as is suggested. I am slowly learning that when I can settle my mind, pray and meditate and get filled up with experience, suggestions and hope from others who walk this path I can get through 'it' - whatever it is.
I went to a meeting yesterday and we were discussing how 'life happens' - and that it's often not so darn pleasant. For me, for so long, I've tried to will things to be right and good as I see them. I know am having to turn everything over and trusting that God has a plan that I don't know and can't see.
Folks keep telling me it will get better if I work it so I am taking baby steps towards a new way of dealing, coping, praying and action.
I appreciate your share and hope that you keep coming back.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
