Anxiety N Me...

This is something I have Fought dang near, All My Life... I remember growing up, and I went from a lit. Farm Girl, up till age 9 that is....

When My parents would fight before we left, I remember being scared to death to Move when i was in bed & could hear them screaming at each other, Mostly my Afather, (Mom always tellin him to lower his voice he'd wake the kids),I remember telling myself when i would hear him in that "Mean" and Nasty tone I would say "Thats not him, I"m making it up",

Funny how after hearing my older sister tell me that over and over, I honestly believed that what I heard or seen, "Was not True"...

So I was Anxious only when their fighting would happen (Because when it was day time All was good in the world), I was always on edge of my emotions, (I See this in my Own Son at times & it scares me, )...yet I never know what they are, never knowing if what I was feeling was real, or just my immagination...

Once when I was 8, I was in my room upstairs sleeping, and they started in the livingroom, and made it to the kitchen, and in there was a register that was attached to a register in my sister & I's room...I tried to lay there with the pillow over my head, but I couldn't take it no more... I got up and charged down the steps, as I rounded the corner to the kitchen... I remember the life being sicked out of me, Just like someone reached inside me, and pulled out my chest... There was my Mom 6 inches (at least) off the ground, and my Afather had her by the throat with a knife, I can sit here now and see it in my mind...I can feel my heart race like it did then..

I remember standing in the middle of them, and my mom rubbing me head (Honey go back to bed, its OK) & My Dad not even realizing "I" was Standing between the two of them for what felt like forever... My Mom telling me, "Its OK" while she is being suspended from the floor, & My Father I had not seen in 2wks, Now doesn't even know me... Thats alot at 8, or at least it was for me... 

At times I think this is because I have tryed so many times to just say, "It wasn't real, it didn't happen!", but I think that i am knowing now that it did... My Eyes were not lying and heart had been broken...This was 1 of the Very 1st times that I can say I Remember when My First Boubt with Anxiety started...The 1st time I remember what that felt like...

My Afather had a Great Job (Curtisy of his Mom) as a SuperVisor and he went on business trips, and was a pretty important guy... I was always told how hard he worked, and how he had to be away so that he could make money to feed us, and take care of us, and he was a "Super Hero" in my mind at that time...

Well My Afather was also an addict, (Later news for me), So When he got that big fat check from the big important job, it quickly went up his nose, or was rolled or what ever was availible at the time really...

So sometimes he would be gone Weeks, and I was ALways told.. "He's Working", so i didn't see anything out of the ordinary when he was gone that long, because everyone had the same story..Right? So how could this man, the one I love the super hero of all time, be the same one that I heard in my kitchen screaming at my mom at 2 in the morning when we hadn't seen him for 2 weeks, it HAD TO BE, someone else....

I just realized this morning, that "it Scares me" that my mind could be this clouded with things that "i" talked myself into when I was a Child... And yet still as an adult, I sit here and have to ask myself, in pretty much every day life... "Is that Real?"....

I am very thankful that I have this place to come and sort this stuff out, Just getting this out of my head seems to have helped with my heart rate, so I guess thats a plus, but now I know there is alot more work to be done in Step 4 for me...It has opened doors that frieghten the Crap out of me, but I know i have to keep moving in a forward progress, there are these days tho, that I have to realize my own reality of life, I have to open up and see things as they are, and not as my mind has trained me too... This is a tough one...

HP knows I'm Up for the Challenge, Now if I could just Convince Myself...N So It Goes Anxiety 101 time to "Turn the page"  

Also a Time to sit down with my Own Son, and explain, that "I" understand why he gets the way he does, and I apolige for not exsepting his own Anxiety's and helping him sort them out better... I have a ton of work to do, I only pray HP will help me see it all thru...

Thanks for listening, & Thanks for letting me Share...

Love & Prayers Jozie

Doing my Best One Moment at A Time...