The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It may be the sickness that is responsible for this, they do say that Shingles brings on depression, or it may be a turn of events that simply brings my brain back to a negative point; I don't really understand.
So, why have I once again found myself travelling the lonely path of self destruction by simply getting myself tied up with the past and what has been and what might have been? Well, just a little but enough to bring me low.
I have to say that I do feel poorly and the pain is disturbing as it shoots down a nerve or two. And I cannot sleep when I should be sleeping and am sleeping when I should be awake. In fact I am topsy turvy as they say, and back to front.
The thing that has been going around my head is the fact that in all the years that I was married (20)to my AH I actually never saw him drinking excessively and never realised he was drunk or under the influence of - though I smelt the Vodak - and I smell it as I write. in actual fact I never saw him sober but that makes no difference when the dark one gets a hold of me and grills me as to why I did not recognise for so many years that he was an alcoholic and that it was not my "poor performance",as he put it, that was the root of all our marital problems. Neither was it my fault that we were penniless and lost our home whilst I worked three jobs and took full time care of the children whilst he sailed around the world on many world cruises courtesy of HM and felt me without any money except my family allowance (£11.00 per week at that time).
So, why in the darkness and the low times do I STILL find myself blaming myself for the loss of so much and the home, the family life and our marriage going to the rocks?
I am not one to normally work with blame...I prefer to work with the challenge of finding a way forward and through a difficult situation, however, all through that marriage and as it deteriorated I took the blame, I took the flak and I let the children in the end accuse me of all sorts of things that should not really have been laid at my door. Why? Because I was afraid of losing them forever if I did not accept the blame.
And now, all these years later I am the one who is the poorer, the one that has a financial insecurity, the one who has worked for 35+ years with no pension, no savings, no capital assets and no inheritance to leave to my children when I am gone.
I struggle on a day to day basis financially. I help my children all I can but I had to ask for help with my fare at Christmas, and I am struggling to save £63 toward a weekend in June when I hope to celebrate my birthday with the only family that is interested at this late stage in sharing a birthday with me. It will be a first for me, I did it for everyone, but no one did it for me so this is a first and I am financially embarrassed.
I am embarrassed at the impoverished state I find myself in with nothing to show for all the sacrifices and all those hard, long years of full time employment I put in for the family, only to know that my retirement will be even harder and more of a financial struggle than I am experiencing now and have done over the last ten years of sickness and unemployment.
Now I have no chance of being employed again so cannot even improve my financial security before my retirement and my retirement looms ahead of me like a HUGE precipice (? cannot even think if that is even spelt right at this time so say it as it looks.)
Why does this happen when I am least able to fight it all off?
Why do I go back and forth through the failures and sadness in my life at times when I really need to be able to be positive and optimistic?
Why am I letting this hurt me again, when I should be holding on to the positive, the good, the achievements that I have attained and be able to say to myself, "Hey Sue, you did the best with what you had and you made a good job despite all that was lost...look at what you gained despite all."
Truth is, right now I do not feel as though I have gained much if anything other than a freedom to just live on my own and please myself what I do and not do with no other person to think about on a day to day basis, which I absolutely HATE. Hey, perhaps it will look different in the morning when the sun is shining (I pray).
I simply need to return to my positive and hopeful self...and get this gremlin off of my back? Thank you for letting me get this down and out of my head.
Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah on Thursday 28th of January 2010 10:03:11 PM
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
I can totally relate -I too am grappling with a focus on the bad/negative. I'm asking HP to help me be more balanced in my thoughts. Shingles is a very painful condition and is a lot to deal with. My prayers go up for you to have a speedy recovery.
Hi Suzannah, shingles does indeed bring on depression, I had a dear friend who suffered with shingles, a very positive person but it did take him down and a short course of anti-depressants sorted him out. Have you had this checked out with the doc? A disturbed sleep pattern is one sign.......dont let it take hold.
Your post reminds me.... it's just One day at a time. That means we never get to graduate.
When I am stressed, it's usually because my thinking is out of alignment with my HP. Typically it's related to fear, which can be so subtle sometimes. HP says to me, "fear not, fear not, fear not." And what do I do?? I believe a frightening thought.
I love the promises of the program, especially reading that "fear of financial insecurity will leave us." Imagine that. Keeps me coming back, that's for sure.
This is a time to take good care of yourself and just Be still with your HP. To me, that is your only task right now. No more thinking. Tell the disease to hit the road.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
