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well......we have had a lovely day...shopping together, eating a meal, sitting talking, walking the dog....you know....nice, calm every day stuff. then he just couldnt resist spoiling it!!! We were talking about the impact of us splitting up. He said he missed me terribly,,,realised he had taken me for granted,...promised to speak with the doctor about his drinking and cannabis use....and showed me a list of tasks he had set himself for the coming week (tidying his tip of a home should have been top of the list!). i said little and listened/
then, in the middle of all the promises, came the veiled ultimatum. he said "of course there is no point in me doing any of this if you are going to stay in your new home and build your life without me. i may as well stay as i am. If you are not back by the end of next month i will pull myself together and build a life without you - permanent" DENIAL. DENIAL. DENIAL. yet again none of our problems are really his . yet again he expects me to tow the line with what he needs. yet again he expects me to do my duty and stand by him no matter what he does. It was then, i realised, i had a huge barrier around me that i dont think can be broken down now. i love him to pieces but i dont like him and i certainly cant live with him.
It saddens me to say this....at one stage I thought maybe,,just maybe,..we could fix this but i am so tired! Tired of being a scape goat for his illness...Tired of being taken for granted. Tired of having to live my life the way he choses it for me.
I have been away three weeks now. In that short time I have put a home together on a shoe string budget, got myself onto a training course so that I can get a qualification that I need to set up my Dog Training Business, dealt with the final stage of my Tribunal for unfair dismissal from my job 2 years ago, helped my friend set up home when she was in trouble, and joined a writers club to further my writing skills. Who knows? there may even be a novel come out of all this...something good has to happen. i need to make sure that if its the end of my marriage it is also a new start for yours truly.
That sounds like a strong program GS. I recognize similar things I also decided and did. I didn't know how it was going to turn out but then as directed I had HP review the plan and continue guidance. I can't imagine it coming out better than it has. I don't know what perfect is so I won't have comparison. In support ((((hugs))))
You have a strong awareness of your needs and boundaries, so the ultimatum doesn't really matter. As long as your boundaries are your guiding light, it's not really an ultimatum, more of a way to keep following your path.
Lucy Sounds like you are doing all the right things for you. Keep doing what is right for you I have heard 100+ times from my A (my son) "when/if you do this or that then I can straighten out my life, get recovery but it all depends on you" Of course at first I beleived him and he never followed through. He showed me time and time again that I cannot Control or Cure his disease. I am not his HP. If love was enough to cure this disease or if anger was enough there would be no addiction. An A will find recovery anywhere under any circumstance if that is what they want it cant depend on anyone else. Good luck HP will giude you
If love was enough to cure this disease or if anger was enough there would be no addiction.
Wow - xeno - that just about smacked me right in the head! I thought I had enough love and patience and I know I have felt enough anger - but no changes. That is great experience, thanks for it!
Lucy - thanks for the share...My first reaction was WOW - your program and your strength give me so much courage. To see and recognize what he said and is suggesting for what it is is just amazing to me.
Like xeno, one of my a(s) is my son. Just last night, he came into my room and wanted to talk about earning back his privileges. When I suggested I was ready for sleep/bed, and that we could talk today, he was upset - he's into immediate gratification.
He said a few choice things, and then some more choice things, and I just sat quietly, trying to not react. I am getting read good at keeping my mouth closed, but my body language and facial expressions still talk for me.
I also got the if you .... then I ....
When he paused to inhale, I told him that I was working on a new approach for my life and no longer will react to If ----- Then statements. Then suggested he leave the room.
He cursed all through the house, and slammed the door. I did not follow, I did not comfort and I did not leave my safe place...
For me, I just can't compete with the thinking of an addicted person. They will out-maneuver me every time IF I engage. Here, if I don't react as they want, they then turn to name-calling, cursing, slamming, etc. (my AH also lives here)
My heart goes out to you. These situations can be so defeating for me, as I'm so new. Your strength and wisdom to recognize the agenda/message gives me a ton of hope that I can't overpower the disease, but can get good enough at loving me to see and recognize 'it' and turn it over with my HP.
(((((Hugs)))))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me, I just can't compete with the thinking of an addicted person. They will out-maneuver me every time IF I engage. Here, if I don't react as they want, they then turn to name-calling, cursing, slamming, etc.
Well said, Iamhere. I am still being given the opportunity to learn the lesson NOT to engage, LOL. But I am making progress, for which I am grateful.
Just keep on taking care of you ((Miss Lucy)) and doing the next right thing. You're doing great!
hugs,
bg
-- Edited by blender_girl on Friday 29th of January 2010 11:37:17 AM
