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I am so sick of my ex-Abf going on about suicide. how he has a plan. He went to a meeting yesterday and his mood was very good, more positive, calmer...like he was when I first met him and he was diligently working his program. It made me want to share with him things I have been learning in my recovery, made me want to actually talk to him (lately it's only been b/c i live there and it's rude to just not answer a person) It was nice. Today he had his first therapy session. He is depressed, said how he stirred alot up. Understandable. Told me how they are putting him on anti-depressants. Then I get a text how the Doc seemed concerned b/c he said how he had a suicide plan. but he never said he was going to use it...lol. LOL?!? really? maybe it's a hook, maybe it's him trying to Look "scary cool"...whatever, it's sick. I worry constantly that I'm going to walk in with my 8 year old and find him dead. and he kids with me? I told him he's making it easier to leave in April (my boundary and cutoff for seeing what therapy and meetings facilitate) and now I'm the one who is wrong, I'm awful, mean, terrible. If he doesn't smile he will cry and he will keep it to himself and this is why he turns to others. WHY OH WHY OH WHY do I feel so obligated to this jerk?? GRRRRRRRRRR sorry to vent. I'm at the point where I feel like screaming "just DO it already and put us all out of the misery!"
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
Aloha Lizzakiss...hmmm I am also a depressant. Dysthymia; low grade, long term will and can and has run terms up to 3 years or more, turns itself on at random without pre-notice, and has a directional gravity directly toward hell. I am also a recovering member of AA. The Dysthymia just turned itself off about 90 days or so ago. The devil's gone and lost this time again and I didn't hear it say "uncle" or "I give up I'll never be back again." It will be back but once again I haven't found the note it may have left telling me when it will be back. I have never found that note and so my expectation, because there is not cure is that sometime I will find myself in the dark spiritually and emotionally with a brain that doesn't work good wondering if this time I will experience that part of the description of Dysthymia that mentions fatal.
I have all the information and the slogans and cliches such as Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Having all that knowledge while waking up another day in the disease alters that definition...suicide becomes a possiblility and not a moral weakness. When the depression leaves I can play and laugh and run around like a puppy with it's leash taken off. I can joke and enjoy funnys, which I just love to do now and the sound of my own laughter doesn't confuse me...it's mine, I know where it came from and its a signal that my soul is in sunlight. I can risk doing some thing creative or a necessary responsibility.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone...even my worse enemy if I still had one after all this time in Al-Anon. I don't wish this on myself. I have come to accept it in myself. It is a part of me...from birth...enhanced at times by alcohol or drugs; prescription or illegal...I will never ever be outside of it; it is like my skin which I cannot shed.
Can I joke about it? Sometimes its the only familiar thing I can joke about it. Sorry that it turns others off at times. Do I have experiences from and with it that "normies" don't have or understand? Do I have a cryptic language that when I speak it only another depressive or a professional understands that I'm standing in the other room reviewing thoughts that would otherwise be seen in a horror movie (I don't watch that stuff any more or most things about violence or crazy people...all that is is moving metaphors of what I have thought and dreamed for years.) I can speak from experience in a language that only another depressive considering another attempt at suicide can relate to or have empathy with.
Do I think that anyone, my family or spouse or friends should walk on egg shells around my Dysthymia? No...It's mine. It's my responsiblity. However don't get angry of the possibilities of depression. If I use anger or fear I will miss the miracles that happen inbetween the period of darkness and those are truely enlightening and a spiritual home coming. I get to play and laugh and live during those times and for me that when I get to feel the hug of my HP and hear it giving me permission to "go play now."
Thanks for the opportunity to face it. (((((hugs)))))
Your post is filled with more than I can express. First of all "acceptance" over which you have no control. Taking "responsibility" that it is yours with no consideration of a pity party or causing unintended consequences for those close around you. Being "honest" and out front, rather than hiding. And, all done with a twist of "humor" because it seems you made a decision years ago that laughing and playing was your choice.........and that for you was much better than the alternative.
Now can I say "Thank You", because the way you have chosen to approach your illness from the positive side, has not only helped you as you walk through your life. That "choice" has allowed you help so many others here at MIP and in your local f2f meetings...... I know this to be true...... because RLC is one of them, and I am grateful.
O.K. Jerry...........with all that being said.........You can go out and play now!!!!!
I'm sorry ur going through this. I responded in PM. Focus on YOU and ur son and detach with love from ur A's feelings, issues, stunts - you are powerless over him but u can work on you and empower yourself ODAT one day at a time. Take care.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
" I'm at the point where I feel like screaming "just DO it already and put us all out of the misery!"
The last time my AH said he would end it all I said (under extreme provocation, I hasten to add) "Go ahead, do us all a favour!" I have to admit I worried about how I would feel if he actually succeeded but nothing happened and he hasn't threatened it again. These are empty threats designed to make us feel bad and - worse - responsible for all their troubles.
In retrospect the ex A I was with was suciidal. I believe his plan was to be killed in a car crash because he certainly had them. Like you boyfriend his focus was on how life was terrible for him. In some respects it was, homeless, penniless, ill, and a substance abuser. What used to really get to me was his lack of understanding or compassion for someone else.
The ex A did not commit suicide while I was around. He certainly caused untol havoc and chaos though.
I know for me detaching when the ex A was out driving like a maniac was very very hard. Sometimes we have to detach under very diffiuclt circumstances but detaching then is so so essential. I hope you will be able to manage this at this time. I don't think its easy, I know all we want to do is to change them but sometimes detaching is all we can do to save ourselves from obsession.
